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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I watch my grandma die tonight or tomorrow?

131 replies

Clingingtothewreckage · 02/10/2019 19:36

I’m having a meltdown. My beloved grandma is dying. I’ve been at her side for the week and slept next to her overnight a couple of nights ago and been spending most of the day here every day. I’m exhausted and a mess and can’t sleep. My two cousins have slept here a couple of nights and will stay again tonight so she won’t be alone if I am not here. I meant to stay last night but fell apart and she made it through. I thought I could do tonight but I’m getting major palpitations and getting very upset at the thought of watching her. I left last night and thought I’d let her down. What do I do? Is it as bad as you think watching someone die?

OP posts:
Idontwanttotalk · 02/10/2019 21:18

Others have said it all OP. There isn't anything to be afraid of. Just hold their hand and talk or not talk. Just be there for them. If you pop out to the toilet and they choose that moment to pass, don't have regrets. I agree that the dying often choose the timing. I don't believe anyone ever passes alone - I believe loved ones who have passed before come to collect us and take us on to the next stage of life.

Flowers for you OP.

To all posters, I am writing through tears on reading everyone's accounts of their loved ones' passings. Sometimes people (including me) can be a bit harsh on MN and it is utterly heartwarming that so many are sharing their personal experiences of death and extending such kindness towards the OP. You are all lovely.

PavlovaFaith · 02/10/2019 21:18

It might sound silly but some people seem to wait to be told it's okay to die. We told Grandad that it was okay to leave us and that we'd be fine. And then he went Thanks

ChevalierTialys · 02/10/2019 21:18

I'm so sorry OP, this must be a very emotional time.

My Gran passed away when I was 24 and I was there with her. I will never forget her last breath. It was so peaceful, her breathing slowly got shallower, she was calm and holding our hands. Then eventually, she looked into my mums eyes, breathed out as she slowly closed her eyes and never took another breath. It was a beautiful and heartbreaking moment. I am so grateful I could be there to see that, to be with her in her final hours and witness her final moments. It bonded those of us who were there (my mum and two of my sisters). It broke my heart to lose her but absolutely wouldn't change being there.

4 weeks ago my Grandad finally joined her and somehow I just couldn't watch him go. I loved him just as much, I spent day after day with him at the hospital, but when it came to it I had to leave his last moments to my mum and uncle. I just didn't want to see him that way and know I would always remember it.

If you want to be with her, be with her. It's ok if you can't do it though. Your cousins will be there so she won't be alone. I'm sure she knows how much you love her so she will know how hard this is for you.

Sending you strength Flowers

Purplestorm83 · 02/10/2019 21:25

My Nan waited until we had gone - the nurses said they thought that was what she was doing. My uncle came at the last minute to say goodbye, and then we were all there for an hour or so, then we wondered if she was waiting for us to go. So we all said goodbye and went out, she died an hour or so later. She was on morphine, not sure what she could still understand but I told her to have a rest and she would feel better, that we all loved her and that I’d see her later.

FaithInfinity · 02/10/2019 21:36

I was an elderly nurse for many years and have cared for dying patients. I’ve seen many bedside vigils. In my experience, people usually go very quiet for at least 24 hours (it’s not like on TV when they say their last words and then breathe their last breath). I often used to send exhausted relatives home after they had been there for days..I used to say ‘I will call if there’s any change but don’t be surprised if they go while you’re gone. They know you’ve been here. They know you love them. They may just slip away while no-one is looking’. It happens a lot, I think especially with quiet, unassuming people who don’t like a fuss. It often felt like a choice. Stay if you want to. Leave if you need to. You do sound tired. Your Grandma knows you love her. Flowers for you, I have experienced the personal side too, I do know how difficult it is.

Mydogmylife · 02/10/2019 21:43

I was with my mum, she had slipped into unconsciousness , and then just slipped away while Dad and I held her hand. It was peaceful, and I was glad I was there.
When my father passed, I had sat with him for several nights, but he slipped away during Christmas night/Boxing Day morning when I had gone home to see the rest of my family. As a pp said, the hospice staff told me that some people seem to hold on until they can slip away in private.

I'm trying to say - badly- that everyone/ situation is different, please don't feel badly whatever happens, I'm sure she'll know how much you love her.

cacklingmags · 02/10/2019 21:47

OP you are so full of love for her that it is spilling out in tears and fears as it rightly should at this time. Every death is different, but the end game - where your grandma is - is often a peaceful passing. It does not matter to your grandma if you stay or go because she will have already felt your dear presence and your loving goodbyes. There is a reason, OP, that traditionally it is the crone, the older woman, that sits by the dying, having experience already of death and watching for it helps us to prepare for our own passing. Stay or go, it is your own choice about which is best for you and your own dear ones at this time. Your grandma really is going to be just fine.

hazell42 · 02/10/2019 21:57

Being there for my mum has brought me immense comfort
She told me I didnt need to be, and she would understand, and some of my siblings did stay away, but I'm so glad was there.
In the end , only do what you are strong enough to do.
My mother said, you all know i love you, and i know you love me. If you cant bear it its fine.
I'm sure your grandmother knows you love her too

81Byerley · 02/10/2019 22:16

Watching someone die, at the right time, is a comfort in a very weird way. Really nothing to be scared of. I'm sorry about your Grandma.

swishswashswoosh · 02/10/2019 22:21

I am reading all of your lovely posts with tears streaming down my cheeks. You are all lovely people and your families are so very lucky to have you supporting them when their time has come. So so many Thanks to you all. Good luck OP, you will do what is right for you and your grandmother.

Mammylamb · 02/10/2019 22:23

Hi, I was with my Granny when she passed. It was very peaceful. If your gran would prefer you were with her, then please be with her xx

TriciaH87 · 02/10/2019 22:27

It's tough. Whilst I did not watch my aunt pass away from lung cancer I was in the next room. Most of the family were there. I had my 6 month old baby with me and I will always remember hearing her take her last breath. I couldn't go back into the room after because I knew she was gone. In some ways it's comforting to know we were there but it does not leave you. She was my second mum as when I was little she raised me for 7 months whilst my mum was in hospital. So being there for her up until the end through her treatment felt like showing her how thankful I am too her.

PEkithelp · 02/10/2019 22:27

I watched my grandparent die. It was incredibly peaceful and in a strange way quite beautiful. I'm glad to know she was okay in her final moments.

Ontheboardwalk · 02/10/2019 22:35

Me and my mum sat at my Grandma's bedside for days. We both stepped out for half an hour and she died. My mum was upset but I thing Grandma wanted it that way. Everyone is different

If you are there or not it will not make the slightest bit of difference to how much you love your Grandma or how much she loves you

Look after yourself and do what you need to do

Molly2017 · 02/10/2019 22:36

Haven’t read all the replies but wanted to provide my experience. I was with my Mum when she died. I’ll be honest, it wasn’t pleasant and it’s an experience that will stay with me forever for all the wrong reasons.
That said, was I glad I was with her when she died? Yes
Would I have regretted it if I hadn’t been? Yes. I would probably never have forgiven myself.

Skinnychip · 02/10/2019 22:41

My ddad died 3 weeks ago. The care home called me and my sis when they thought he had not much time, we spent the day there. Then we visited the next day separately , i felt like i was saying goodbye then, and i said he could let go. My sis talked to him later about shared memories (he was unresponsive for several days) and he died the next morning, alone.
My mum died with ddad and dsis, i had just got home from visiting and then they called to say she was going. I decided i needed to put DC to bed first as they were 4 and 1 and i had spent several days away from them. But i was too late and she died about half an hour before i got there. I feel really sad and in tears just writing this.
Wishing love and strength to you OP and everyone else facing such traumatic times x x x

Outsomnia · 02/10/2019 22:45

Grief is something everyone encounters, some deal with it fine, others find it tough.

Why do we feel that grief should be hidden, is it stiff upper lip and all that?

It might be the cause of a lot of issues for people. I dunno.

Hope all bereaved on here are ok.

It is not easy by any means, and I am a veteran of bereavement. Still weeping out loud now and then.

SinkGirl · 02/10/2019 22:48

When my Nan died - I realise this sounds completely woo and I’m not at all - but her face changed in the last minutes of her life. Her wrinkles seemed to fade and she just looked light and happy. She’d had dementia for a long time and was 93 so I hadn’t seen her look happy for a long time.

When my mum died it was a much more upsetting situation for us witnessing it, but I took comfort from the fact that the hospice had her heavily medicated including a drug that meant she wasn’t aware of what was going on. She wasn’t at all distressed or aware. I’m so glad I was there even though I try not to think about that day.

My wonderful uncle dropped dead in the night of a heart attack, my Nan found him in the morning on the floor by his bed. I feel so sad that he was alone.

SerenDippitty · 02/10/2019 22:49

I was with my mum when she died of pneumonia aged 93. It was peaceful and not terrifying. I’m glad I was with her. Thinking of you OP.

Outsomnia · 02/10/2019 22:50

Sorry now, but the day my 40 year old sister died was a deal breaker for me. This is me letting it out now. But she also said for us to go get a coffee or something, some stayed, I went, and then she was gone.

I look on it as her protecting me. May she rest in peace.

Sorry for all your losses. I am in bits now. Sorry.

stucknoue · 02/10/2019 23:00

Thanks thinking of you

Outsomnia · 02/10/2019 23:30

@stucknoue,

If your post was directed at me, thank you so much. And I am sure you feel the same for many others in the same position, as I do myself.

Big box of tissues by my side always, never know when the tears will fall.

Thank you.

ConstancetheGardener · 02/10/2019 23:57

I was with my sister when she died aged 38 . Our Mum and Dad were there as was her husband . It was difficult to see her body like a shell , destroyed by cancer but we all sat there and I held one hand and Mum held the other (her husband was too upset to) and told her we loved her and that it was ok for her to go . It was very sad but peaceful and I am so glad that I could be there with her . 25 years later she still leaves a gaping hole in my life. I can usually talk about it quite dispassionately but some things occasionally set me off - a favourite record from when we were kids , a favourite place of ours . I wasn't with Dad or Mum when they died but I had spent time with them before so they knew I loved them . So OP I would say do what you feel is best for you and whatever you decide will be a good decision

OldGranvilleHouse · 03/10/2019 00:14

Reading all the posts on here is giving me a real lump in my throat - you’re all amazing, whether or not there at your loved one’s passing.

OP, all I can add is that I totally agree that there’s no one size fits all and, whatever you decide to/are able to do will be the right thing. You’ve done so much already and your gran knows without doubt how much you love her. Flowers

OldGranvilleHouse · 03/10/2019 00:26

@ChorleyFMcominginyourears I just wanted to say what a fantastic job you do - massively undervalued but so, so valuable. My mum is 95, has dementia and has been in a local authority care home for five years.

The staff are amazing, despite having to do an often very difficult and sometimes challenging job. I am in no doubt that my mum would no longer be with us had she continued to live at home. I visit 3/4 times each week and, with my sister and other family members, she gets at least one visit (sometimes two) every day. I’m lucky as she is a happy person with dementia and still knows my name and laughs a lot - I know it’s not always this way.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for being a care worker. It’s a necessary and very important vocation.

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