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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my husband right or am I reasonable?

243 replies

Mayjune1 · 02/10/2019 11:51

So my husband (who does drink far too much) got very drunk last night. Hes generally sweet as pie when hes drunk (hes soppy not abusive). But when he falls asleep he wakes up a couple of hours later for a wee. But he's not properly conscious when he's in this drunken sleep state and doesnt know what hes doing.
Last night, about two hours after he fell asleep he woke up, was totally incoherent and went downstairs. I tried to usher him back upstairs but he was getting very upset so i let him go down to the kitchen. Where he proceeded to wee all over the kitchen floor and cupboards. I was furious and at the end of my tether with all this. It was late and i had work the next day and i was so upset. So i filmed him on my phone doing it, just to show him what he is like when he gets into that state.
This morning when he woke up he saw the video i sent him. Hes angry at himself for doing this and he admits he was very wrong. He cleared up all the mess. But he seems more angry at me for filming him doing it. He says he’d never to this to me and i am wrong to film him during a dark moment. I told him i only did it to show his sober self what his drunken self is like, but hes so angry with me. Im pretty sure he’s deflecting and i told him so, but he insists hes not, and that I shouldn’t have done it.
Its not like im ever going to post the video anywhere and i genuinely only did it to show him what he’s like so that he can see it for himself.
Am i as out of order as he says i am?

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 02/10/2019 15:36

It's bizarre that the first few replies seem to think his behaviour was somewhere in the realm of normal and you were unreasonable.

What's unreasonable is expecting someone to act delicately about an out of control drunk who pisses all over the house. He needed to be shown what that looks like. He'a angry because you showed him what that looks like. Projecting his anger onto you is easier than having to think about his issues.

redcarbluecar · 02/10/2019 15:40

I think YANBU. You weren't just filming any old drunken behaviour. He pissed all over the kitchen floor!

GrumpyMcGrumpFace · 02/10/2019 15:42

I'm amazed pps think YABU! To me, he is behaving so unreasonably he needed to be shown the truth of what it's like for you living with him when he gets himself in that state.

So YADNBU!

Branleuse · 02/10/2019 15:45

YANBU, hes disgusting. How dare he get so drunk that he pisses everywhere in the house

AryaStarkWolf · 02/10/2019 15:48

It's bizarre that the first few replies seem to think his behaviour was somewhere in the realm of normal and you were unreasonable.

You've kind of put 2 and 2 together and come up with 5 there. I was one of those first few comments, I never said I thought his behaviour was reasonable but that wasn't the question being asked, the question was about filming him semi naked, which I believe is out of order...........I didn't think I needed to add a disclaimer that his actions were also unreasonable, I would have thought that obvious enough tbf

tolerable · 02/10/2019 15:54

op.filming it might well have been hurtful.good.pissing all over the house is fucking depraved. You dont sound THAT angry(im guessing cos your conditioned to this happening,and seem to love him anyway)If he doesnt like it tough.

user1486131602 · 02/10/2019 15:54

YANBU
mine used to do that and blame the dog........leaving me to clean it up!

If filming it was the only way for the message to get thru then, as it wasn’t done maliciously, I would leave it there.
He the one drinking, and peeing. He’s the one who needs to accept he needs help, or needs to stop drinking.

Not really your problem. Unless you are pooing everywhere and he needs to clean it up! 🙈😂

Timandra · 02/10/2019 15:57

He's upset with you for making his drunken behaviour real.

He wants you to protect him from the consequences of his drinking so he can continue with a clear conscience. He doesn't like seeing the real impact of his habit and he's redirecting his digust at himself towards you.

Hopefully some time in his own company might help him process the reality of his drink problem.

Myriade · 02/10/2019 16:00

You did it to shame him.
Really? It certainly would have been shaming if she had decided to show it to other people. But to him and him only? Nope I dont think so. It was a very factual film of how he behaves hen he is drunk.

and of course he found it shameful because his sobber him is. It doesnt mean that the aim of the OP was to shame him (he was perfecly able to do that all on his own).

@Mayjune1, tbh, it. might ir might not wake him up to the extend of which he is drinking. I susoect it wont because drinking is so addictive.
The real question is whether you are happy to give him yet another chance. To find yet another excuse. Or if you are actutely aware of what your boundaries are and when you will decide that a line has been crossed.

Pringlesfortea · 02/10/2019 16:03

That’s fucking gross ,yes you were right to film him ..

WiddlinDiddlin · 02/10/2019 16:10

YANBU...

Done after discussing his behaviour with him multiple times and him not taking it seriously, and done purely to show him what he is actually like, no, thats not unreasonable at all.

I recorded OH's snoring when he would not take me seriously that he was extremely loud and was obviously stopping breathing.

He took it seriously once he actually heard himself, and now has a CPAP machine for his severe, obstructive sleep apnea. He wasn't overly happy at me recording him but he did appreciate why in the end!

holly30 · 02/10/2019 16:32

From someone who had their husband film them being a drunken mess....i was mortified and i actually pretty much gave up drinking as i was nasty and just ridiculous. Not nice for someone to have to deal with. I think it was a reality check and its done me no harm!

WingDefence · 02/10/2019 16:36

YAabsolutelyNBU.

Spidey66 · 02/10/2019 16:36

I don't think you were mean-sometimes people like your husband need to be shocked into changing their behaviour. Now if you were planning to put it on FB or YouTube or show it to his mum/boss, that would be different but if it's just him, I think it can be effective.

Topseyt · 02/10/2019 16:55

So fucking what if it has shamed him or was done to shame him!!??

His behaviour was utterly shameful and he is a repeat offender. Sometimes you just run out of options and ways to get the message through! OP didn't share it on social media. She just showed her DH what he is like when drunk.

If that shames him then it is his own look out.

Actionhasmagic · 02/10/2019 16:58

Yanbu

Original poster
Mayjune1 · 02/10/2019 19:03

So he came home. Says he’s going to go on AAs website in the morning.
Fingers x

OP posts:
RoLaren · 02/10/2019 19:13

I recommend you yourself check out Al-Anon, it's for people close to alcoholics. It can be very helpful/clarifying.

everyonecaneffoff · 02/10/2019 22:03

So he came home. Says he’s going to go on AAs website in the morning.Fingers x

Wonder if he genuinely means that or if he is just doing it to appease you. Has he apologized?
Maybe the video was a wake-up call after all.
I hope he does contact AA, he's obviously got a big problem if he's getting in that state and pissing all over the kitchen.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 03/10/2019 07:51

So he came home. Says he’s going to go on AAs website in the morning. He says he will, it is still in the future, he may, he may not! Don't think he is trying, he has done nothing yet! Just sulked, blamed, done a disappearing act and then come home to bathe in your sympathy.

Get yourself onto AlAnon, they can be an absolute lifeline when you don't know just how codependent you are, and after so many years married you will be very, very numb to the reality of your situation. I bet your now adult kids will suprise you... they will be very aware of all those years you worked to hide their DFs behaviour!

Good luck!

Totalwasteofpaper · 03/10/2019 08:20

Yanbu at all.

Good that he seems to have some intention of getting his act together but I would not be too forgiving until I saw he was serious - he should find a meeting and go today and every day for the next two weeks while on holiday

diddl · 03/10/2019 08:21

I do understand why you filmed it & think it was OK.

But he's peed on the floor & had to clean it up before, hasn't he?

So would seeing himself do it really make a difference?

I mean I would have thought that knowing he'd done it would be enough.

So I'm just thinking, don't get your hopes up too much!

From his pov you've already put up with it for more than 25yrs!

MyKingdomForBrie · 03/10/2019 08:32

So it's ok for the OP to have to watch his behaviour but not ok for him to have to watch it?

Some of you are fucking cracked.

GabriellaMontez · 03/10/2019 08:32

Great news.

You sound worn down from his behaviour. Cleaning up after him and keeping it from the kids for years. It's time he sorted himself out.

MulticolourMophead · 03/10/2019 08:39

You sound worn down from his behaviour. Cleaning up after him and keeping it from the kids for years. It's time he sorted himself out.

I'd say the kids know. Kids always know more than you think.

Let's hope he puts words into action, and this isn't an attempt to shut the OP down.