Is my husband right or am I reasonable?

[Mayjune1]

So my husband (who does drink far too much) got very drunk last night. Hes generally sweet as pie when hes drunk (hes soppy not abusive). But when he falls asleep he wakes up a couple of hours later for a wee. But he's not properly conscious when he's in this drunken sleep state and doesnt know what hes doing.
Last night, about two hours after he fell asleep he woke up, was totally incoherent and went downstairs. I tried to usher him back upstairs but he was getting very upset so i let him go down to the kitchen. Where he proceeded to wee all over the kitchen floor and cupboards. I was furious and at the end of my tether with all this. It was late and i had work the next day and i was so upset. So i filmed him on my phone doing it, just to show him what he is like when he gets into that state.
This morning when he woke up he saw the video i sent him. Hes angry at himself for doing this and he admits he was very wrong. He cleared up all the mess. But he seems more angry at me for filming him doing it. He says he’d never to this to me and i am wrong to film him during a dark moment. I told him i only did it to show his sober self what his drunken self is like, but hes so angry with me. Im pretty sure he’s deflecting and i told him so, but he insists hes not, and that I shouldn’t have done it.
Its not like im ever going to post the video anywhere and i genuinely only did it to show him what he’s like so that he can see it for himself.
Am i as out of order as he says i am?

YANBU.
My dad was an alcoholic and refused to believe he had a problem or take responsibility for his stupid behaviour.
He's dead now. Died at 54.
Whatever it takes to get through to them. It's not like you shared it with anyone else FFS.

YANBU. This wasn't a one off. He needs to not get into that state. End of story. Don't back down, tell him he can have dignity when he stops being disgusting.

Bloody hell OP I’m angry for you now after your last post. He is so out of order to make out that you filming him is a bigger deal than his horrendous behaviour.

If it were me I’d say to him that you only filmed him because you were so upset it was happening again and that you were at the end of your tether. And that if he truly believes that you filming him is worse than his actual revolting repeated behaviour then he is welcome to fuck off and not come back.

You were right. He's angry because you've given him proof. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who has a drink problem? It can only get worse.

So let me see if I’ve got this right. He is so drunk he is incapable of getting to the toilet, pishes all over the kitchen, keeps you awake and you have to deal with his behaviour in the middle of the night, and then he is angry at you!

If I was you, I would be saying that I would not film him again in that state, because you will not be tolerating that level of drunkenness.

Thank you, everyone for your comments. Im pretty confused. I love him, im pissed off with him, im scared for his - and our future. Ive kept most of this away from the kids and thankfully they are grown now so they can deal better with this situation. I dont know. Maybe him going away is a good thing. He says he wont drink so im not to worry. But hes turned his location off on his phone so i cant see where he is

Lets hope he's booked himself into rehab.

I know he's not like this all the time, but really seeing him piss on the floor & up cupboards, doesn't it just kill any love/respect stone dead?

And now he's turned his phone off & said not to worry!

Well my advice is don't!

As for your kids-better able to deal with it now that they're older?

Poor sods that they have to.

Probably good he's gone away. Of course you're going to worry about him, but maybe he needs time to think. He'll never get that video out of his head. Maybe it will help him stop drinking.

Sounds like the "I'm going away and making sure you can't track me because I'm so distraught over you filming me" is a way to put it all on you. Does he make a habit of this? Is he trying to get you to back down so he can brush his own behaviour under the carpet?

If so then don't react. Just be calm and say that if that's what he needs to do then fine, that you love him but you're concerned about his drinking and its consequences and leave it at that. See what happens

Having lived with an alcoholic I get why you did it.

He has to start facing his drunk self. He needs to own up to his problem and needs help.

I'd feel violated and did feel violated when I was repeatedly faced with this kind of thing with the ex. It ultimately ended our relationship.

Set boundaries. He either lives up to them or doesn't but there has to be consequences to not living up to them.

He’s never said hes going away before. First time ever. So either its a reaction to seeing what he did for himself, or whether I really have ‘broken his heart‘ i just dont know. Or both. Probably both.

Al Anon is a helpful resource if you haven't already used it. They have a helpline as well if you wanted to talk to someone.

What you did is understandable because you're frustrated and fed up, but honestly it's unlikely to stop him drinking. Being ashamed is a powerful emotion and you want to block it out, so you kind of end of back where you started, drinking again to stop the feeling.

Giving up alcohol tends to be a complicated journey and he has to want to do it himself. You can't make him.

Just say
"Off you go, you drink too much, piss of kitchen floors and blame me when you are at fault, I'll hold the door open while you load your bags into the car. And you can go fuck yourself if you think you are turning yourself into the victim and me the bad guy because I am just not having that"

You are not unreasonable, and he's an arse for deflecting it all onto you, making it your fault. He's alcohol dependent. This is only going to get worse. I would recommend contacting Al-anon and getting to a meeting as soon as you can - you will find the support there that you need, and coping strategies for dealing with DH's drunkenness. Let him 'go away for a bit' and have a good long think about what your expectations for the rest of your life are.

I think he has a problem if he's that drunk regularly (and on a tuesday night seems a bit much!) I think promise to delete it now that he has seen it, and explain you're at the end of your tether with the drinking and try to help him get to the root of it.

I don't think you've broken his heart, OP. He knows what he did and he's embarrassed. I could be way off the mark but this extreme reaction could be to teach you a lesson so you don't do that again. Rather than him stopping his own behaviour.

You are not unreasonable OP you sound at the end of your tether. My ex (with him for 6 years) did this EVERY NIGHT i too filmed him- just to embarrass him as he had no idea how bad he was when drunk.

What your husband is doing is deflecting, trying to play the victim.... anything other than sort it out. What a coward

If that was me id be absolutely on my knees grovelling for forgiveness . I uded to try shock tactics .. like saying " How can i want to sleep with a man who pisses himself every night" didnt make the slightest bit of difference. Had a life of constant washing of pissy sheets it was digusting. In the end i lost all respect for him, threw one of his young daughters nappies at him and fucked off for good. Never looked back.
Dont enable his victim behavior. Greet every txt with a "sort yourself out you disgusting pig who has no self respect" and stop feeling sorry for him

YANBU, at least he now knows that you aren't exaggerating or embellishing what he gets up to when he's too drunk to remember.

It depends if you’ve had this conversation before, sometimes if that doesn’t work, you have to show them what they’re like

Im sure it breaks your heart too to watch a grown "man" pissing himself like a baby

he’s angry because you’re making him face his behaviour, which in turn may mean he has to make changes. he’s protecting his drinking, hoping that you will feel sorry for him, he can make a token apology and then carry on regardless.

he doesn’t want to have to stop. cutting down never works. he is choosing alcohol over his family.

i’m a recovering alcoholic, five and a half years since my last drink. in the end, having lost everything i went to AA and it saved my life. however, i then got i to a relationship with a man, moved i with him and have just left him after 3 years living together as he is an alcoholic and will not face up to it. i can’t save him, so i saved myself.

you can’t force your husband to change. you have one of two problems here : 1) he wants to stop drinking but can’t or 2) he just doesn’t want to stop. either of these are going to make your life unbearable if he won’t address them himself.

let him go, OP. if he wants to live like a drunk, let him do it on his own time, and in his own space. this will not get any better whilst he refuses to accept that his drinking is now having real consequences.

my advice to you is to get rid. i know you’ve been together a long time. you probably still love him. but he will drag you down with him if you let him continue like this.

i’ve found myself at 46, living in a studio flat with just one of my 3 cats. i could only bring one. i miss the others but apart from that, i can’t tell you what a relief it is not to have to manage a drunk any more.

this is your time, OP. this is your chance to cut this dead weight loose. gather your courage and go for it. i promise, you won’t regret it.

His anger is misplaced.
It’s up to him to keep himself away from situations and actions that he’s not proud of. I say this as someone with experience of addiction, both in myself and others.
The journey to recovery begins with a Rock Bottom, an experience of it getting so bad that you take a good long look at yourself, and admit that you have a problem.
It’s a risky business to provide someone with their rock bottom, but if he can own it, and not continue to deflect the anger onto you, he might have found it.

The next big issue is your involvement in and connection with his addiction. You patently want change, and filming him was a function of that. Your job now is to be very very boundaried. Your actions have to match your words and desires here. It sounds like it’s time for you to be completely clear about what’s acceptable to you.
Is there anywhere you can stay for a few nights? Call him and let him know that you’ve withdrawn while he decides his next moves, and that you’ll support him if he makes concrete steps to stop drinking, if that’s your truth.

Research resources for alcohol problems. Alanon is a good starting point, it’s an organisation for families and partners of drinkers.

I’ve not read the thread , so apologies if any of this is out of context with what you have subsequently said.

And i was going to clean it up

There is no way in hell I would have cleaned it up. I can’t stand drunks and I have no sympathy at all when something happens to a person whilst intoxicated.
YANBU for filming him to prove how he gets. He should be ashamed of himself if anything.

Your DH decides to get blind drunk on a Tuesday... he clearly has a drinking problem and that's what needs to be addressed. Do he have a Monday - Friday job or is today his 'day off'? Trying to understand why someone would get so drunk like this during the week.

I don't blame you for video him, he needed to see it and I bet he is mortified it happened. I'd let him know you will delete the message but you needed him to see what he's like whilst drunk.

I personally don't think YABU.