Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my husband right or am I reasonable?

243 replies

Mayjune1 · 02/10/2019 11:51

So my husband (who does drink far too much) got very drunk last night. Hes generally sweet as pie when hes drunk (hes soppy not abusive). But when he falls asleep he wakes up a couple of hours later for a wee. But he's not properly conscious when he's in this drunken sleep state and doesnt know what hes doing.
Last night, about two hours after he fell asleep he woke up, was totally incoherent and went downstairs. I tried to usher him back upstairs but he was getting very upset so i let him go down to the kitchen. Where he proceeded to wee all over the kitchen floor and cupboards. I was furious and at the end of my tether with all this. It was late and i had work the next day and i was so upset. So i filmed him on my phone doing it, just to show him what he is like when he gets into that state.
This morning when he woke up he saw the video i sent him. Hes angry at himself for doing this and he admits he was very wrong. He cleared up all the mess. But he seems more angry at me for filming him doing it. He says he’d never to this to me and i am wrong to film him during a dark moment. I told him i only did it to show his sober self what his drunken self is like, but hes so angry with me. Im pretty sure he’s deflecting and i told him so, but he insists hes not, and that I shouldn’t have done it.
Its not like im ever going to post the video anywhere and i genuinely only did it to show him what he’s like so that he can see it for himself.
Am i as out of order as he says i am?

OP posts:
RONNIETRIX · 02/10/2019 13:57

It is a Bit mean but I taken it you have deleted it.

Hopefully he will learn now..doubt it though

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/10/2019 13:58

Huh.
This isn't even the first time he's done it and HE's broken hearted that you filmed him pissing in the kitchen - does he hear himself?!

God, that's ridiculous. It really is. You've videod him, presumably because he "doesn't think he's that bad", especially since he's a repeat offender for this - and he has the gall to get humpy about it? What about you, having to clean it up (in times gone past, glad you made him do it himself this time)??

Yeah, it might not have been the best idea to film him but seriously - if he couldn't fucking work out for himself that him pissing in the kitchen is a bad fucking idea, and that getting so drunk that he can't even work out he's pissing in the kitchen is an even worse idea, then he obviously needed SOMETHING to make that plain to him!

You are less unreasonable than him here.

As for his broken heartedness, I hope it's just fucking shame that's sent him away. Because it should be.

aLilNonnyMouse · 02/10/2019 13:59

I can understand your reasoning, and if he'd been doing anything else I would agree with you. But you've filmed him with his penis out, without consent from him.

You wouldn't like it if someone took images or video of your private parts without your consent so YABU for that.

fanhair · 02/10/2019 14:00

Deffo not out of order. He should stop getting so drunk and out of control.

Caledoniahasmyheartforever · 02/10/2019 14:00

Don’t be surprised if he has someone on the side. My Uncle by marriage was an alcoholic, my Aunt stood by him as he was hospitalised and told he either had to give up booze or die. He gave it up for several years before disappearing overnight and for whole weekends apparently doing a job for a woman. He was having an affair with her. My Aunt gave him an ultimatum and one week after she retired he chose the OW.

Of course the OW was more fun, wasn’t worried about his health as she had no idea how badly he had damaged his liver. Only now several years down the line, the OW keeps calling my cousins, telling them to speak to their Dad and tell him he needs to stop drinking. He is a moody, grumpy alcoholic, who gives her the silent treatment when she dares nag him for his very heavy drinking.

@Mayjune1 your dh will likely head to the pub, a friends or to another woman who will facilitate his drinking. You don’t need to put up with this behaviour anymore! You deserve so much better!

MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 02/10/2019 14:01

@aLilNonnyMouse she said that she made sure his genitals weren't visible in the video and his pants were on.

Hidingtonothing · 02/10/2019 14:02

Yeah I wouldn't be accepting any of his 'broken hearted' bollocks if I was you OP, he's had a big fat slap in the face with visual evidence of his own behaviour and he can't deal with it so he's turning it on you. Stinks of DARVO actually, deny, attack, reverse victim and offender, which is both cowardly and abusive.

I would be turning this on its head as PP have suggested, strongly maintain that it's his behaviour which is unacceptable, refuse to be shifted from the issue of him pissing all over your kitchen because he has an alcohol problem and every time he tries to deflect with the filming issue keep turning the conversation back to that, because that's where the root of this issue is.

I suspect he'll be back, probably once he's had the drinking bender he no doubt feels he deserves for his 'broken heart', maintaining his wounded puppy stance and attempting to bury the actual issue under his outrage at what you did. Don't fall for it OP, now is the time to stand your ground and really show him how unacceptable and damaging his drinking is. He wouldn't be coming home to me until he admitted his drinking problem, made real commitment to change and apologised profusely for trying to fudge the issue over the video. Time to get tough Flowers

Mayjune1 · 02/10/2019 14:03

Hes got a couple of weeks off work, so he’s basically on holiday. Im not though!

OP posts:
AmIThough · 02/10/2019 14:05

I think he's embarrassed and can't handle it. He's angry at you because you've made him realise what you have to deal with. I hope he's going away to get help.

Pumpkintopf · 02/10/2019 14:05

He was totally out of order for getting into that state and is absolutely deflecting on to you.

ImNotYourGranny · 02/10/2019 14:07

He’s never said hes going away before. First time ever. So either its a reaction to seeing what he did for himself, or whether I really have ‘broken his heart‘ i just dont know. Or both. Probably both.

Or more likely it's an attempt to manipulate you into begging him not to go and learning never to try to make him see how awful he is again.

FetchezLaVache · 02/10/2019 14:08

YANBU. I'd imagine that his usual practice is to minimise and accuse you of exaggerating, OP, and what's made him angry is that this time, he can't do that.

Purpleartichoke · 02/10/2019 14:09

While in general, filming him would be cruel, sometimes you need to be a little cruel when someone has an alcohol problem. If he is lucky, this is his rock bottom.

Rachelover60 · 02/10/2019 14:10

It's good that he's gone away for a bit, you'll both have a break though I do wonder where he is and what he's up to. Still, you know him and probably have an idea about that. I expect he is feeling very sheepish.

I hope he bucks his ideas up op, he's a grown man with responsibilities, not a nineteen year old student. Binge drinking is so undignified and dangerous too, people have accidents.

JavaQ · 02/10/2019 14:10

He has taken a holiday...?!?!

Selfish fucker

Ijustwanttoretire · 02/10/2019 14:11

I'm with you OP. Sometimes they just block it out 'it's not that bad; you're making it up' - delete the video in front of him if that is really what he is worried about - but sometimes they need a kick up the backside, make it clear that it is totally unacceptable behaviour and you are not willing to live in a house where the kitchen smells of piss.

FizzyIce · 02/10/2019 14:11

He’s trying to make you feel guilty as he realises what bloody mess he is and he’s embarrassed.
Let him go for a while ,maybe he’ll see that he needs to get his arse in gear or he’ll go away and get shitfaced .
Either way it means you won’t have to clean up his piss for a few days .
What he did was shocking , not what you did.
Please remember that

Purpleartichoke · 02/10/2019 14:13

Wait, he didn’t mean rehab when he said he was going away for a bit?

Bonniegirlie · 02/10/2019 14:15

Good for you filming him. They never believe just how bad they are when they're drunk, they always think you're exaggerating. Tell him you're going to film him every time and that might help him think twice about getting so drunk. Serves him right, and he is deflecting the blame because he's embarrased

Loopytiles · 02/10/2019 14:16

So he has a longstanding drink problem and doesn’t want to accept this or stop drinking.

You’ve chosen to stay in the relationship, so should expect this kind of thing to continue to happen. Sad

AlbertWinestein · 02/10/2019 14:17

Agree. He’s totally deflecting his shame back to you and he’s probably upset that you’re not enabling him right now. Tell him you think it’s a good idea he goes away for a bit and send him links to rehab places. Whatever happens, don’t take the blame. You did nothing wrong.

Horehound · 02/10/2019 14:17

Meh id let him go. He's hardly a catch!

Mayjune1 · 02/10/2019 14:25

No he didnt mean rehab

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 02/10/2019 14:27

How can he call it a 'dark moment' when it's a regular thing? I mean, it's not like he got drunk because something terrible had happened and he wanted to blot it out - he was drunk because he enjoys getting drunk!

It might have been 'dark' being shown it, but would he have listened if you'd told him how bad he gets? Or would he just have laughed, agreed, patted your arm and said 'isn't it a good job I'm a sloppy drunk and I don't get violent' and brushed it all off. Or under the carpet.

He needs a wake up call, maybe this will be it.

mayaenya45 · 02/10/2019 14:29

Yes film him!! He is a disgrace and should be humiliated. If that was me I would post the video online and tell him Ill do it each timne he gets drunk. He has a drinking problem