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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my husband right or am I reasonable?

243 replies

Mayjune1 · 02/10/2019 11:51

So my husband (who does drink far too much) got very drunk last night. Hes generally sweet as pie when hes drunk (hes soppy not abusive). But when he falls asleep he wakes up a couple of hours later for a wee. But he's not properly conscious when he's in this drunken sleep state and doesnt know what hes doing.
Last night, about two hours after he fell asleep he woke up, was totally incoherent and went downstairs. I tried to usher him back upstairs but he was getting very upset so i let him go down to the kitchen. Where he proceeded to wee all over the kitchen floor and cupboards. I was furious and at the end of my tether with all this. It was late and i had work the next day and i was so upset. So i filmed him on my phone doing it, just to show him what he is like when he gets into that state.
This morning when he woke up he saw the video i sent him. Hes angry at himself for doing this and he admits he was very wrong. He cleared up all the mess. But he seems more angry at me for filming him doing it. He says he’d never to this to me and i am wrong to film him during a dark moment. I told him i only did it to show his sober self what his drunken self is like, but hes so angry with me. Im pretty sure he’s deflecting and i told him so, but he insists hes not, and that I shouldn’t have done it.
Its not like im ever going to post the video anywhere and i genuinely only did it to show him what he’s like so that he can see it for himself.
Am i as out of order as he says i am?

OP posts:
Topseyt · 02/10/2019 14:29

I don't think you were even remotely unreasonable. I'm amazed at those posts suggesting you were.

He obviously hasn't taken you seriously in the past and he is a repeat offender. I would find this a deal breaker, to be honest. I simply wouldn't be able to live with someone who regularly got this drunk. I certainly couldn't take him pissing around my house in anywhere other than the toilet. It would be very offensive indeed and I am surprised you have lasted so many years with it.

So he has "gone away" now has he? That would be fine by me, and I wouldn't be in any hurry to let him back in. I think my reply to him might well have been "stay away."

You did nothing wrong. He is an alcoholic and an arsehole.

Molly2017 · 02/10/2019 14:33

He is definitely trying to guilt trip you with the ‘I’m going away for a few days’. Like he wants you to say sorry, all is forgiven, please come back.
OP you have done nothing wrong.
Unless he comes back with apologies and promises of no more alcohol, I’d be tempted to change the locks while he’s away.

Topseyt · 02/10/2019 14:34

Just to add, I wouldn't have deleted the video. Not for a long time yet.

Without the evidence he can go back to being in denial about how disgraceful his behaviour is, so if you have to film him in similar circumstances again then keep it a evidence, no matter how hard he whinges.

For me, the relationship would be well and truly over. I would find the behaviour totally insulting, as well as gross.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 02/10/2019 14:40

The old drunk is going away so he can drInk his head off.
He'll never change

Either live with it, kick him out or leave.

Mythreeknights · 02/10/2019 14:41

Jesus, he became so drunk he was out of control, disorientated and pissed all over the kitchen floor. And he's angry at YOU for filming him and showing him what you have to put up with?? What a dick. It's the wake up call he needs. Take back control and get angry at HIM. He's behaving like an absolute baby.

Ambidexte · 02/10/2019 14:43

Sorry, not RTFT.

Sounds like he is projecting his guilt onto you and trying to make you feel like you're the one with the problem. Like you're the one who ought to be ashamed of yourself.

I would have done the same as you. I admit there's a possible argument that you shouldn't film someone in that state (even to make them understand what they're doing to themselves). But even IF that's true, it's nothing compared with what he's doing.

He sounds desperate not to face up to his drinking problem, and desperate to deflect any criticism onto you.

I hate to say LTB, but I think it might be one of the options to consider here.

Jaxhog · 02/10/2019 14:53

I think it’s absolutely disgusting behaviour and I don’t blame you for filming it if it’s something that’s happened a few times. Just awful.

This. So he's embarrassed. Well, he's the one who got drunk! Remind him that this is what YOU have to witness when he gets drunk. I would keep it and show it to him every time he drinks too much. You shouldn't have to put up with HIS drunkeness.

montenuit · 02/10/2019 14:53

Let him go away for a bit, hopefully he will come to his senses.
Drinking to such excess that you piss all over the kitchen is not normal behaviour, seriously i have never heard of anyone do that !

Do not apologise, you didn't film him with malicious intent. You didn't share it. You did it to shock him into realising that it is not ok. There is nothing wrong with that.

pointythings · 02/10/2019 14:53

So he has run off in a strop, has he? Use the respite to think. Are you going to keep putting up with this or are you going to set some boundaries? This kind of drunken behaviour is not acceptable. The first incidence should have told him where the limit was and he refused to learn.

You don't have to live like this, just waiting until the next drunk pissbaby night. Don't feel bad, be tough. You will soon learn whether he loves his family more than the booze.

justasking111 · 02/10/2019 14:54

My DS had this with a house mate. He woke up shouting one morning there was pee and poop in his bed and on the floor adjacant to his en-suite bathroom. He told DS someone must have broken in and done it. DS said no it was you. It was a turning point for him.

everyonecaneffoff · 02/10/2019 14:58

I havent spoken verbally to him since this happened. Just by text cos im at work. Hes now saying he needs to go away for a bit. He’s acting like his heart is f broken cos i filmed him. Like ive let HIM down. I mean, wtf!

His heart is fucking broken. No it isn't. He's embarrassed at having seen the state he gets in when drunk. He has to deflect this embarrassment on to you and blame you for the situation.
He should go away for a bit. I'd just let him. At least he won't be pissing all over your kitchen floor.
That is so disgusting. It's not the first time he's done it either!
I lived with someone for 5 years who had an alcohol problem. He never pissed on the floor though. But the rest of it was bad enough.
If he had pissed on the floor he would have been straight out.

RoLaren · 02/10/2019 15:00

When I was 12 I came home from school to find my alcoholic, abusive stepfather flat out in the garden, covered in piss, cock out, unconscious. Again. I took a picture to show my Mum what I was being subjected to when she was at work. I was at fault for doing that, apparently. Bad times.

Snowfalling · 02/10/2019 15:03

The only people I've known who have had to film each other doing ANYTHING to prove a point have reached a point where the marriage was already over.

Yabu to film him, although I understand why you did it. However, he is off on a 'finding himself' type holiday which would only be acceptable if he was off to rehab. If you have dc, and apologies if I've missed this, this would be the end for me.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/10/2019 15:06

YANBU - if he's so upset about it hopefully it will shame him into drinking less - which would be good for his health and your relationship.

Regularly being so drunk that you don't know where you are peeing is not good for you - and it's disgusting!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/10/2019 15:08

RoLaren

That's dreadful - no child should be subjected to that sort of vile spectacle.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

hugogino · 02/10/2019 15:08

YANBU!

shearwater · 02/10/2019 15:21

YWNBU. YWBU if you shared it beyond the two of you.

I guess he was mortifedly embarrassed. Good, he ought to be, what he did was absolutely disgusting and I hope it proves to be a wake up call.

MirandaGoshawk · 02/10/2019 15:21

YANBU

DoctorAllcome · 02/10/2019 15:24

So long as you have now deleted the film, I think it was reasonable to do. It was just for him to see himself as a wake up call.

Lovemusic33 · 02/10/2019 15:25

I think it’s ok to film him, he drinks too much and your the one that has to deal with it/put up with it. It’s not as though you were going to show anyone else the video, it was just used to show him what he’s like when in that state. I hope he thinks twice before drinking that much again.

Durgasarrow · 02/10/2019 15:26

FOR FUCK'S SAKE YANBU. You don't like looking at it. So why should you have it in your face. He should be very very very very very embarrassed that this is the way he looks. If he doesn't want to be filmed looking like that, he can stop it. What is it with the drinking culture in the UK that having husbands piss all over the kitchens is not a deal breaker?

snowball28 · 02/10/2019 15:27

I think YANBU. Id feel more violated by my drunk out of control husband peeing all over the kitchen where we all prepare food!

Clearly his problem is serious, hopefully this is his see the light moment.

higgyhog · 02/10/2019 15:29

Good for you. He deserves to; be; humiliated for behaving in this way and you have previously been far too tolerant If my DH did this he would be living somewhere else until he had addressed his issues with drink.

Tonnerre · 02/10/2019 15:34

If filming him was what it takes to get it through to him what sort of state he gets into, I'd say YA 100% NBU. If you have to see him in that state, why shouldn't he see himself?

Belfield · 02/10/2019 15:35

You did it to shame him. It seems you are fed up with his drinking which is understandable. I would be focusing more on whether in the long run you are going to stay with this Alcoholic or not and if he is getting so drunk that he can't function then he is an alcoholic.