Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my husband right or am I reasonable?

243 replies

Mayjune1 · 02/10/2019 11:51

So my husband (who does drink far too much) got very drunk last night. Hes generally sweet as pie when hes drunk (hes soppy not abusive). But when he falls asleep he wakes up a couple of hours later for a wee. But he's not properly conscious when he's in this drunken sleep state and doesnt know what hes doing.
Last night, about two hours after he fell asleep he woke up, was totally incoherent and went downstairs. I tried to usher him back upstairs but he was getting very upset so i let him go down to the kitchen. Where he proceeded to wee all over the kitchen floor and cupboards. I was furious and at the end of my tether with all this. It was late and i had work the next day and i was so upset. So i filmed him on my phone doing it, just to show him what he is like when he gets into that state.
This morning when he woke up he saw the video i sent him. Hes angry at himself for doing this and he admits he was very wrong. He cleared up all the mess. But he seems more angry at me for filming him doing it. He says he’d never to this to me and i am wrong to film him during a dark moment. I told him i only did it to show his sober self what his drunken self is like, but hes so angry with me. Im pretty sure he’s deflecting and i told him so, but he insists hes not, and that I shouldn’t have done it.
Its not like im ever going to post the video anywhere and i genuinely only did it to show him what he’s like so that he can see it for himself.
Am i as out of order as he says i am?

OP posts:
SinkGirl · 02/10/2019 12:52

YANBU in the slightest. I’ve grown up around alcoholics and it doesn’t matter how you try to explain how bad they are when drunk, they simply do not understand the severity of their behaviour. Seeing it for themselves is shocking and embarrassing of course but may be the wake up they need. If you have to watch him behave this way, and deal with him at the time, asking him to take a proper look at himself like that isn’t asking too much.

He’s angry with you because it’s the first time he’s ever had a clear look at himself drunk and it’s not pretty. He’s shooting the messenger. Stay strong.

Span1elsRock · 02/10/2019 12:52

The fact he's got the gall to act like the wronged party here speaks volumes OP.

He doesn't see his drinking as a problem.

I'd be running out the door, sorry.

Dragongirl10 · 02/10/2019 12:53

Op YANBU !
Personally l couldn't live with a grown man who gets so drunk he pees himself or everywhere.........
You clearly had no intention of doing anything other than showing him his appalling behavior....perfectly reasonable of you...l would have thrown him out.

bookwormsforever · 02/10/2019 12:54

He regularly gets drunk enough to piss in your kitchen, and he's worried about you videoing him?

He's worrying about the wrong thing. Hopefully this will be the kick up the arse he needs to cut down or stop drinking.

Do you have dc?

Mayjune1 · 02/10/2019 12:55

Been married 25 years. Hes in late 40s. He has drunk to excess our entire relationship. Hes calmed it down to two or three bottles of wine a week. But last night he went out with a friend and by the look of it, he acted like a dog let off the leash. Totally went for it.

OP posts:
Nuttyfellalovesnutella · 02/10/2019 12:55

I’m not sure. I think you probably did the right thing. How is Dr Jeykell going to know what Mr Hyde is doing if there’s no evidence. Hopefully it’s a wake up call. And like you say, there was no malice behind it.

Naillig222 · 02/10/2019 12:55

My husband has done this in the past. Having witnessed him doing it it's hard to be that angry. He is 100% sleepwalking when he's doing it. There's a difference between being so shitfaced that you piss on the floor, and having a couple of drinks and sleep walking. I wouldn't take a video of him.
That's said, if there's more to this and your husbands drinking is a problem then that is different.

Naillig222 · 02/10/2019 12:56

I just saw your last post, apologies. YANBU

Nogoodusername · 02/10/2019 12:57

You were absolutely not unreasonable - the situation requires a wake up call, that just telling him would not have had

Bumfuzzled · 02/10/2019 12:57

YANBU. You need to tell him to stop deflecting onto you. You were not the drunk pissing all over the kitchen like some incontinent dog. It’s really extreme behaviour OP, he needs help to stop drinking. I hope it’s shocked him into some positive action.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 02/10/2019 12:57

Is he dependant in alcohol OP?

Personally I think you were massively unreasonable to record him, however I’d also be unhappy that he urinated all over the kitchen.

Would you consider him an alcoholic, if not then he needs to know his limitations.

I have a family member who does this, they aren’t an alcoholic, they cannot control their bladder when ANY liquid is consumed, so if they do occasionally have a drink during a drinking session etc... then it’s beyond their control, (he has a medical condition with his bladder and numerous surgeries havrnt been able to correct it) however they have measures in place for this.

Mayjune1 · 02/10/2019 12:59

I havent spoken verbally to him since this happened. Just by text cos im at work. Hes now saying he needs to go away for a bit. He’s acting like his heart is f broken cos i filmed him. Like ive let HIM down. I mean, wtf!

OP posts:
JavaQ · 02/10/2019 13:00

Good on you. It is unreasonable of him to be so drunk and then piss in the kitchen. His embarrassment might help you push him towards AA. Clearly he cannot moderate his alcohol intake himself. Save the film so he never forgets how damaging alcoholism is. I have no sympathy for your husband. Good luck.

wanderings · 02/10/2019 13:04

I’ve seen posts on MN advocating filming your own children tantrumming, to embarrass them with when they’re older. Is that mean?

SinkGirl · 02/10/2019 13:04

Tell him straight. He needed to see it. Don’t blame you because he didn’t like what he saw.

Going away doubtlessly and getting wasted isn’t going to help.

LightTripper · 02/10/2019 13:05

I think if he's done it before and you just telling him about it hasn't woken him up, then trying to use the "shock tactics" of a video is not unreasonable. Understandable he's being defensive but he really needs to sort himself out and not just expect you to put up with it. Even if he cleans up it's not OK (and it sounds like he hasn't always cleaned up?)

I think I would say something like: I'm sorry it upset you but really it was meant to, because we've talked about this so many times and nothing seems to change, and I'm scared for you and your health if you can't stop drinking like this.

CaptSkippy · 02/10/2019 13:05

I am with you, OP.

He needs to see how he acts when he is drunk, particularly when just dealing with the consequences of his drunk actions is not enough to make him change.

But you need to consider he may not change his behavior at all and this will happen again and again. Are you prepared to deal with that?

viques · 02/10/2019 13:06

The reason he is having a go at you is to deflect his guilt onto you.

His logic goes like this:

"Yes, last night once again , despite you telling me about what has happened many many times before, I got so drunk I was incoherent, couldn't find my way around my own house, then in my drunken state urinated all over the kitchen floor and cupboards like an animal, which behaviour I promptly completely forgot about. OK, I accept that my behaviour was wrong But YOU, YOU! Have totally violated my right to privacy by filming my vunerable drunken behaviour and then showing me the video privately. How dare you take advantage of my self inflicted anti social drunkenness just because you want to show me what I am like when I am drunk. You need to show me more respect and recognise boundaries."

I think he is ashamed, but unwilling to acknowledge how ashamed he is so is making it about your actions, not his.

Perisoire · 02/10/2019 13:06

Yes that’s mean wandering because the intent is to embarrass children when their older. But what OP is doing is different because she’s hoping filming and showing him what he’s like when drunk will make him change his behaviour now.

ElizaDee · 02/10/2019 13:06

I don't think you were unreasonable. If he deems fit to keep getting in that state, he'll have no problem watching it will he.

itsgoodtobehome · 02/10/2019 13:07

I think you were absolutely right to film him if he does this regularly. What sort of grown man gets into such a state that he pisses on the kitchen floor. I knew people that did that, but when we were students - I would like to think they have grown out of it now.

I am actually angry on your behalf that he is mad at you for filming him, rather than being mortified about the state he got himself into.

viques · 02/10/2019 13:07

YANBU by the way. Not in the least.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 02/10/2019 13:09

I havent spoken verbally to him since this happened. Just by text cos im at work. Hes now saying he needs to go away for a bit. He’s acting like his heart is f broken cos i filmed him. Like ive let HIM down. I mean, wtf!**

I would shut that conversation down now.

You’re trying to deflect because your embarrassed, as your wife I am sick of going through this every time you have a drink and I’m left to deal with it as your blind drunk, leave if you want however you won’t be welcome through this door until you’ve seen someone about your drinking problem.

MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 02/10/2019 13:09

Ask him how he would suggest you get through to him about his behaviour as you've tried tellling him time and time again without success, ask him what action he would have taken if this situation was reversed.

QualCheckBot · 02/10/2019 13:10

YANBU to get evidence of his terrible behaviour, particularly if he is in denial. I could not live with a healthy adult who was incontinent. I suppose you have to clean up his mess and live with the lingering smell too?

He has real issues. You don't and you were perfectly entitled to film him in your own home doing this.

Swipe left for the next trending thread