Is my husband right or am I reasonable?

[Mayjune1]

So my husband (who does drink far too much) got very drunk last night. Hes generally sweet as pie when hes drunk (hes soppy not abusive). But when he falls asleep he wakes up a couple of hours later for a wee. But he's not properly conscious when he's in this drunken sleep state and doesnt know what hes doing.
Last night, about two hours after he fell asleep he woke up, was totally incoherent and went downstairs. I tried to usher him back upstairs but he was getting very upset so i let him go down to the kitchen. Where he proceeded to wee all over the kitchen floor and cupboards. I was furious and at the end of my tether with all this. It was late and i had work the next day and i was so upset. So i filmed him on my phone doing it, just to show him what he is like when he gets into that state.
This morning when he woke up he saw the video i sent him. Hes angry at himself for doing this and he admits he was very wrong. He cleared up all the mess. But he seems more angry at me for filming him doing it. He says he’d never to this to me and i am wrong to film him during a dark moment. I told him i only did it to show his sober self what his drunken self is like, but hes so angry with me. Im pretty sure he’s deflecting and i told him so, but he insists hes not, and that I shouldn’t have done it.
Its not like im ever going to post the video anywhere and i genuinely only did it to show him what he’s like so that he can see it for himself.
Am i as out of order as he says i am?

I would have done exactly the same OP, it’s disgusting behaviour and sometimes people need to see the cold hard truth of their actions. Don’t let him convince you that what you did was somehow worse than his behaviour. He’s the one who should be apologising.

I think he feels deeply ashamed and feels you that have betrayed him by making him see himself in his most shameful moment. This is hugely confronting for him and he feels you should of been protecting him from, not forcing him to connect with this. I think this is less about you filming him and more that the veil has now been pierced and he can't live in blissful denial any more. He has had to watch a version of himself that he doesnt identify with, accept he can behave so poorly and now has been put into the position where he has to do something about it (even if that is willfully not stopping drinking).

I think you filmed him as on a deeper level his drunk behavior bothers you and you want it to stop.

Hopefully he is shocked to have seen it and that may be the starting point if him sorting out his drinking problem.

I imagine watching a video of him doing that would be very unpleasant. However, if it's not the first time he's done it then simply telling him what he's done in the past clearly hasn't had much impact. I can see why you filmed him.

I would delete the video today and he can also delete his copy. You both then know the film no longer exists and you can discuss how he can address his drinking, which is the actual problem here.

Is he going to work today after being that drunk? I hope he isn't driving. He is probably still well over the limit.

Strongly suggest you seek help for yourself from Al Anon or similar.

Just wondering how things are today OP? Hope you're ok

I'm with you op. He needs to face the truth and he is blaming you filming him rather than confront his issues. He's a giant man baby and I would be questioning the future of my relationship.

Hopefully he's looking up the website in order to find the nearest meeting, and not just to placate you til the next disgusting incident. I'd make it clear that you have had more than enough of his drunken behaviour and look at separating if he doesn't make the effort to help himself.

Interesting - and revealing - that he has committed to looking at a website. Anyone can do that; it's not going to fix the problem, though, is it?

Cautious optimism and see whether he is proactive. The moment you hear "What more do you want?" or "You need to be more supportive," the plug needs to be pulled on him.

Let's hope he does that then,OP. But he needs to start actually going to meetings and cleaning up his act big time. A trip to his doctor might not go amiss either as they can advise on tests needed, Antabuse medication if needed and local support which may be available.

You can contact AA too. They support family and relatives of alcoholics as well.

I'd be making plain to him that he is on his very last chance saloon here and will have to leave if he drinks again, or if you have reason to believe he has been drinking.

NearlyGranny Thanks I've been very happy with my new partner for over 35 years now. My son got to 16 and said my dads an arsehole isn't he" - I agreed with him but told him that I felt it was up to him to find out for himself but was not for me to influence him.

You are not unreasonable. I wish I had done that to my alcoholic ex husband in his early bad behaviour. Drunk people have no recollection of what they do and there impact.

Although he is mushy when drunk there is obviously things he is doing that upset you so it is an issue for you.

It's tough but you have to have a proper conversation about what you both want from your relationship. If you don't want to be with a drunk - you don't have to me. Just like he doesn't have to stop drinking.

Just read in the paper that Demi Moore has published her Kiss-and-tell autobiography calling her second husband worse than shit1.

One of her complaints was that when she was not able to control her drinking and was getting bladdered on a daily basis, he took a photo of her with her head over the toilet and showed her it the next day. She complained that he had no right to "shame" her.

I disagree - if that's what it takes to stop someone getting pissed - then do it! It's fo their own good, as well as yours.

Your kids know-they either have to tried to blank it out or just dont mention it to you-i hope hes seen the light its disgusting peeing over anything that isnt the toilet in yo0ur family home-i think you had every rtight

As for demi more i usually like her but her ex is not a shit for highlighting how drunk she was

Good for you for filming him. My ex used to do the exact same thing. Peeing in the corner of the bedroom, etc. When I'd raise it with him the day after, he'd say it wasn't him . He'd blame it on the dog. What a twat. He's angry with you because he's embarrassed that he got caught in the act and is deflecting it on to you. Time he grew up.

I’d be livid at the drinking and what follows but wouldn’t have stayed if it the drinking was a frequent occurrence as it’s a deal breaker for me.

From his point, he didn’t give you permission to film him so I would feel very violated you had done it so both of you are at fault in different ways.

Different scenario, but my husband snores awful when he's drunk and doesn't believe me so I recorded him like you did and he's now not drinking as much - winner!
But perhaps snoring isn't quite so bad as piddling yourself?

If you've spent years covering up his actions, minimising them and protecting him from the mess he has become then this is new, and uncomfortable, for him. You did right. He has now been confronted with the reality of his carry on rather than the sanitised version you both pretend is the reality.

He drinks too much. He negatively affects your life, your home, your family. His drinking is a big problem, but it hasn't been a problem for him because you've protected him from the problem. You are enabling an alcoholic.

Look up your local Al-Anon, and attend. It will change your life.

You did it to shame him

No, he'd done that already; being filmed wouldn't change that.