Is my husband right or am I reasonable?

[Mayjune1]

So my husband (who does drink far too much) got very drunk last night. Hes generally sweet as pie when hes drunk (hes soppy not abusive). But when he falls asleep he wakes up a couple of hours later for a wee. But he's not properly conscious when he's in this drunken sleep state and doesnt know what hes doing.
Last night, about two hours after he fell asleep he woke up, was totally incoherent and went downstairs. I tried to usher him back upstairs but he was getting very upset so i let him go down to the kitchen. Where he proceeded to wee all over the kitchen floor and cupboards. I was furious and at the end of my tether with all this. It was late and i had work the next day and i was so upset. So i filmed him on my phone doing it, just to show him what he is like when he gets into that state.
This morning when he woke up he saw the video i sent him. Hes angry at himself for doing this and he admits he was very wrong. He cleared up all the mess. But he seems more angry at me for filming him doing it. He says he’d never to this to me and i am wrong to film him during a dark moment. I told him i only did it to show his sober self what his drunken self is like, but hes so angry with me. Im pretty sure he’s deflecting and i told him so, but he insists hes not, and that I shouldn’t have done it.
Its not like im ever going to post the video anywhere and i genuinely only did it to show him what he’s like so that he can see it for himself.
Am i as out of order as he says i am?

I don’t think you were wrong for filming him (not like you’re going to do anything malicious with it). If he was that embarrassed by the video it may prompt him to change his behaviour.

I couldn’t stay with someone who drank to that extent!

I don’t see a problem with it.

He should be embarrassed and humiliated by his behaviour. It’s disgusting, and tbh in the kitchen and not cleaned up overnight I’d consider replacing doors and kick boards etc. If he feels ‘violated’ like some people on this thread think he would - well maybe OP feels violated every time her home is spoiled by the piss of an adult human who gets so drunk they can’t find the bathroom let alone the toilet.

He clearly doesn’t believe his drinking is a problem - if you can’t make someone believe that without evidence then you either consign yourself to a life of living with a drunk or leave them. Clearly OP wants to do neither.

It’s also quite possible to film someone pissing without seeing their dick for the person who suggested that as a reason for it being inappropriate.

I think you should have kept the video. I think you should continue to video him every time he is drunk for a month, all of October.

At the end of the month, count how many days this actually is.

It sounds to me like he has a huge drinking problem, if not an actual alcoholic, and needs to stop drinking altogether. Sadly, he probably won't and you'll probably eventually split over his drinking.

That may prompt him to sort it out, or it may not.

You can only decide if it is acceptable to you. It wouldn't be acceptable for me.

You were right to do it. Telling him about it the next morning wouldn't have had the same effect as him seeing it for himself. He can't minimise it now. He could have done it on a night out and been filmed by a stranger and had it posted online. He'd have no control over that. With you filming him and showing him what a pathetic drunk he truly is it might just sink in. It's disgusting behaviour. He needs to assess his drinking and you need to asses whether you want to continue living with an alcoholic.

As OP had no intention of sharing the recording anywhere and her DH had done this before and she's cleaned up and obviously whatever she said had zero effect on his future behaviour, I think it was a perfectly reasonable and very creative thing to have done.

Now he's actually seen himself as a shambling, disgusting drunk he cannot minimise or normalise it, can he? It must have been a nasty shock, but surely he needs to be shocked into reality? Cleaning up - and I hope he did it thoroughly because adult male urine is rank when it's stale - will have given him a moment of pause.

He's angry at being made to look at the truth. He's angry because his problem is now undeniable. He's angry because it's preferable to being sorry. He's angry because he knows he had to change and he doesn't want to. He's angry because his enabler has become his confronter.

He's angry with OP because it's easier than being angry with himself.

When he stops being angry, it will be time for him to address what he's going to do to next. It's not for OP to decide, but you do get to decide whether it's worth carrying on in this relationship, OP.

You were generous to delete the recording. I would have been tempted to store a copy before deleting it from your phone, just in case he ever denied or minimised his conduct in future, and also as clear evidence of unreasonable behaviour for divorce purposes.

I think he owes the house a new kitchen, too!

No you’re not mean !
If he gets in that state then he needs a wake up call as that is quite frankly disgusting and he clearly has a problem .

Don't know about legality, consent etc but this will be effective in the short term. Yanbu. He is an alcoholic and this will affect his health, sounds like his liver may already be suffering.
Long term. He should go to aa, I doubt sensible drinking and managing it is going to work for him.
Definately you should get help from alanon, they have seen it all and will help you manage your life, in or out of this situation. If any older children alateen may be useful. Good luck op

My husband also drinks too much, but not to the extent that he pisses all over the house - I think that's the problem you need to address, regardless of whether you filmed him or not.

Years ago, before mobile phones, my ex husband used to go out with his mates, get drunk and stagger home making a noise crashing up the stairs. Once he tried to piss in the wardrobe and stopped when I screamed at him, another time he tried to get into bed with my mother when she was staying over . The final straw was when he pissed all over our baby son who was fast asleep in his moses basket, I divorced him.

Tough if he’s upset. He can avoid it by not getting drunk and acting no better than an animal.

Also, if he does this in the street and is spotted, he could spend time in a police cell. It's against the law. People in towns and villages near pubs can find their doorsteps reeking. He wouldn't like it.

I had a partner who used to do exactly this all the time and it's so disgusting. Pissing on the bedroom wall, pissing all over our reclining chairs - he'd also sleepwalk and try to escape the house sometimes.
I don't blame you for filming him to be honest, if you have to watch it etc why shouldn't he? It's all well and good to tell someone about something they have done but there is an extra level of reality to see it with your own eyes and I can see why you would hope that would have more of an effect on him and maybe put a stop to it.
He's probably just a bit in denial and seeing the footage makes how he is too much of a reality.

I used to have a drink problem. I would have been furious if someone filmed me at my worst but maybe if they had done the shame might have made me sort myself out sooner. And I was certainly never drunk enough to piss all over the kitchen. IMO what you did was justifiable and when he calms down it might make him realise how bad he is getting.

I don’t think you have done anything wrong! He is angry because faced with video footage, he couldn’t deny his despicable behaviour! So instead he is using his other tactic ‘blame you’, by making you the bad one he relinquishes all responsibility for his own behaviour.

I have alcoholics and my family and these are classic tactics that they use to excuse their shitty behaviour. There was an excellent article shared on here recently and it really epitomised the cycle that alcoholics and their families get caught up in!

www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/68440-alcoholism-tragic-three-act-play-there-least-4-characters-1-a.html

You don’t need to put up with his alcoholism anymore. Drinking to the extent that he is urinating allover the floor and kitchen is appalling- he is lucky you haven’t shown it to any family and friends! By covering up for him, you end up enabling him.

You are the wronged party here, he should be utterly ashamed, not playing the victim!

I had an ex partner who would very often drink too much. One night he came home and did exactly what your husband did. I filmed him too. He was mortified the next day and like you, was annoyed with me for filming. I hoped it would show him how awful he was. It didnt work and he didnt change.

One of the biggest reasons he’s my ex.

No you are not being unreasonable. If it’s not the first time he’s done it and you’ve told him before. He needed to see

YANBU

If you don't want to filmed while shit-faced and pissing all over your kitchen, don't get shit-faced and piss all over your kitchen. Simple really.

I don't know how you've put up with this. I'd be apoplectic if someone did this in my home.

I'm wondering how old the op's husband is as the behaviour she has told us about sounds laddish, like something an eighteen year old might do.

YANBU.
And as for those calling the Op mean? How much does she have to put up with before her actions can be justified? Would you tolerate this behaviour?
My DH is sometimes verbally nasty after he’s been drinking. I’ve shown him this thread and told him I’m going to film him the next time he behaves that way. And tough shit if he doesn’t like it. No-one likes to be faced with their bad behaviour, but sometimes they need to be.

The video made it real. It's all too easy for the drunk no to quite 'get' what they did. Cleaning up the aftermath is slightly removed from the situation.

Given that he's a repeat offender, I think he needed to see who he is when he's drunk. I understand his anger, but YWNBU to video it this time.

PPs saying YABU are bloody ridiculous. Yes he was probably embarrassed - so he should be. It sounds like he needed a wake up call and he got one.

TheWernethWife

My life, that is bleak. That must have been a cold and lonely moment.

I hope you never looked back.

you're in co-dependent relationship with an out and out alcoholic, so the peeing on the floor and stuff is just a red herring.
I was with a guy like yours too and I left him because I just couldn't take any more.
like yours, he was in total denial about his disease.

good luck, that's all I can say because, you will need oceans of it.

Btw, there was no genitals exposed! It was videoed literally from the back and he had pants on. Nothing was exposed

@OMGshefoundmeout similar situation here. I wouldn’t say I was an alcoholic but I definitely had a dependency on alcohol. Got myself into a right state at times (not wee related).
I would have been furious if someone had filmed me at my worse and probably would still have tried to justify it with ‘it was a one off’ etc
That said OP I do not think YABU. Without the video he probably would have thought you were exaggerating or would feel embarrassed the next day and then just forget about it. I hope this gives him a bit of a wake up call, but given it’s not the first time I doubt even this would be rock bottom for him.
My rock bottom was my partner (at the time now DH) threatening to walk away. I knew he meant it and it forced me to change.