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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my husband right or am I reasonable?

243 replies

Mayjune1 · 02/10/2019 11:51

So my husband (who does drink far too much) got very drunk last night. Hes generally sweet as pie when hes drunk (hes soppy not abusive). But when he falls asleep he wakes up a couple of hours later for a wee. But he's not properly conscious when he's in this drunken sleep state and doesnt know what hes doing.
Last night, about two hours after he fell asleep he woke up, was totally incoherent and went downstairs. I tried to usher him back upstairs but he was getting very upset so i let him go down to the kitchen. Where he proceeded to wee all over the kitchen floor and cupboards. I was furious and at the end of my tether with all this. It was late and i had work the next day and i was so upset. So i filmed him on my phone doing it, just to show him what he is like when he gets into that state.
This morning when he woke up he saw the video i sent him. Hes angry at himself for doing this and he admits he was very wrong. He cleared up all the mess. But he seems more angry at me for filming him doing it. He says he’d never to this to me and i am wrong to film him during a dark moment. I told him i only did it to show his sober self what his drunken self is like, but hes so angry with me. Im pretty sure he’s deflecting and i told him so, but he insists hes not, and that I shouldn’t have done it.
Its not like im ever going to post the video anywhere and i genuinely only did it to show him what he’s like so that he can see it for himself.
Am i as out of order as he says i am?

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 02/10/2019 12:13

Maybe, & maybe not.
It certainly would not have had the emotional impact it has had.

Of course a video of someone with their genitals exposed would have more of an impact. That's the part I'd not be ok with. If it were a man filming his wife I wonder would any of the replies be different?

moreismore · 02/10/2019 12:14

I guess he felt violated and humiliated?
Perhaps similar to how you felt when he was hostile to your attempts to get upstairs and then pissed all over your house?
If he is uncomfortable with ‘being take advantage of’ when drunk, don’t get that drunk. I think it was a good lesson.

verticality · 02/10/2019 12:14

I think it's OK to film him to show him what he was like. It sounds like he drinks himself to this paralytic state on a reasonably regular basis, so YANBU to have concerns for his health/wellbeing overall and to want him to rein it in. It's not OK to keep the file or to share it, though,

verticality · 02/10/2019 12:15

Oh, and I agree with you 100% that he's deflecting away from the real problem, which is his drunkenness.

Loopytiles · 02/10/2019 12:15

If he has a full blown alcohol problem moderation won’t be possible.

Only you (or professionals) can tell whether this is the case, or whether he’s “just” drinking a little above the recommended limits and / or bingeing on occasion.

Apolloanddaphne · 02/10/2019 12:16

I think your were right to video him doing this. It is hard evidence of what he is doing when drunk. Hopefully it will be a boot up the arse for him.

MegaClutterSlut · 02/10/2019 12:16

If my dh was an alcoholic and kept pissing all over the place I would 100% film him. Infact I would film him everytime and if that didn't shame him into stopping I would ltb

Rachelover60 · 02/10/2019 12:16

You were wrong to video him but on the other hand, it was rather 'youthful' of him to get drunk. That's the problem with having too much booze, you lose control and others often witness it.

Delete the video and have a truce but he must promise not to get drunk again or tell him, next time, you'll not only record him but circulate it to everyone who knows him, including your neighbours and his boss.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 02/10/2019 12:18

If he is uncomfortable with ‘being take advantage of’ when drunk, don’t get that drunk. Erm.... that might not be the message you intended!

But OP was in no way wrong to take the video. No husband would be wrong tro do the same for a wife doing the same. Alcoholics need to hit their personal rock bottom order to start to change. For some that video would be enough!

SouthernComforts · 02/10/2019 12:18

I don't think you were out of order. You sound at the end of your tether with his drinking and sometimes a shock tactic is needed.

Butchyrestingface · 02/10/2019 12:18

If it were a man filming his wife I wonder would any of the replies be different?

If the filming was done by her husband, showing her “marking her territory” all over the kitchen, filmed purely to show her what she gets up to when drunk and deleted straight away, I’d be fine with that.

CalmdownJanet · 02/10/2019 12:18

Yanbu. Had it been the first time I think you would have been but it wasn't so yanbu, he has a drink problem, desperate times cause for desperate measures.

People saying "could you not just have told him", clearly that hasn't worked in the past.

I'd take no shit for him either, i'd be saying "You have a drink problem, you are embarrassed and deflecting and I am not having your anger, if you don't like that then you can leave, I won't be begging at the door for a person with a drink problem who pisses all over the kitchen to stay because I tried to help him."

Ohbuggerlugs · 02/10/2019 12:19

YANBU It’s a small price to pay for being a absolute tool! I would do exactly the same.

Lilymossflower · 02/10/2019 12:19

Well done for filming him to show him what he is like!

He needs to be called out on his stupid behaviour

Bluntness100 · 02/10/2019 12:20

How regularly has he peed like this?

If it's often I can see why you did it. I can also see why he's pissed off you did.

Notverycreatiive · 02/10/2019 12:20

I don't feel like it's mean.. if it's not the first time he has done it.. but got himself into the same state.. he obviously gives no fucks to your feelings regarding the matter. He can't complain about his feelings when it's his own fault.

Michaelbaubles · 02/10/2019 12:22

I’m pretty sure that the advice to video people who get in drunken states regularly has been given here before. And I’m pretty sure that if a woman posted that her husband had done this to her she would be very strongly advised that she clearly has a drinking problem and needed to examine her drinking habits. No double standards here.

FatRambo · 02/10/2019 12:23

If he's done it before and not responded to your concerns then I think you were right to use a different tactic to get through to him. If he's going to screw up like that on a regular basis then he has to take the consequences. YANBU

InsertFunnyUsername · 02/10/2019 12:24

YANBU if it's a repeated incident. He is acting angry because he is embarrassed, so he should be! Yes he would have believed you if you just told him, but theres nothing like a video of a grown man pissing everywhere because he is drunk again to really get it through to him. I would have done the same.

amiapropermum · 02/10/2019 12:24

YANBU. It doesn't sound like you did it out of meanness but in an attempt to show sober him what drunk him is like

Fookadook · 02/10/2019 12:24

I imagine the OP has already told him several times and it isn’t making any difference. Maybe seeing his behaviour will make him feel ashamed. He’s deflecting any feelings on to you and making it your fault rather than take any responsibility for his actions, which isn’t fair. You aren’t the one who pisses everywhere.

Cohle · 02/10/2019 12:25

YANBU. He's embarrassed about his behaviour and is projecting it on to you. Tell him he needs to stop having a go at you and focus on his own actions.

Celebelly · 02/10/2019 12:27

'Dark moment' my arse.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 02/10/2019 12:27

YANBU. Living with an alcoholic can be absolute hell and sometimes drastic situations call for drastic measures.
I'm surprised at some of the responses on this thread. Yes, OP's DH will feel temporarily very embarrassed, but why shouldn't he?? Why shouldn't he experience just some of the discomfort, stress and embarrassment that his drinking has no doubt been causing the OP (and possibly others) for some time. It's not fair that those close to problem drinkers are so often the ones left with the lasting mental image of their loved ones revolting drunken behaviour when they get to obliterate it from their own minds with the magic of drink and pretend it's all fine.
The fact that he's angry doesn't mean OP is BU. It means that he's been confronted with irrefutable evidence that his drinking is out of control and that it's impacting on others and it's easier to be angry with someone else than it is to take responsibility. Well, OP I wouldn't accept that. I wouldn't let him shift the focus on whether you were right to want to film his disgusting drunken behaviour- it's the behaviour, and what has caused it that's the issue! He needs to get help for his drinking (promising to stop isn't enough) and if he is unwilling to do so even after seeing himself in such a sorry state then I would be very seriously considering whether this was someone I could live with.

callmeadoctor · 02/10/2019 12:28

That is absolutely disgusting and definitely not normal behaviour. I would be telling that I am sorry I videoed it this time, but if it ever happens again I will video it and stick it on Facebook!! How dare he deflect that on you! (Actually if it WAS me I would have left him.)