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Original poster

To not want to give more

378 replies

SummerTime12345 · 02/10/2019 00:21

So a friend is getting married very soon. They have asked for money for their honeymoon - which obviously doesn't bother me if that's what they want!
I just don't know what to give. We have only met this year but have become very close and see each other a couple of times a week. I'm going to the full wedding day and I went on the hen do. But I don't know what to give!
Help!

OP posts:
OverthinkingThis · 02/10/2019 10:31

£20 is great for a relatively new friend OP, plus write something heartfelt in the card. £25 is a nice number if you can stretch to it.

I don't agree with covering the cost of your 'plate' at the wedding - it's the couple's choice if they want to have a stupidly expensive do, you shouldn't have to suffer financially for it. But I get that it's a cultural norm elsewhere.

Johnjoeseph · 02/10/2019 10:32

The average here (in Ireland) would generally be €100-150 for a single person. €150-200 for a couple.

There were only two couples who gave us less for our wedding and they were my husbands English cousins Grin we didn't mind as obviously any gift is generous and very welcome, they had made the effort to fly over for the occasion and we had both lived in the UK so understood it was a cultural thing and people across the pond are generally more frugal in this regard. So give what you can OP. I'm sure your friend will accept it with grace.

tmh88 · 02/10/2019 10:42

£20 is fine OP. My cousin got married that I hadn’t seen since I was 6.. accepted the invite and then this cheesy quote poem got sent out, something about already having things and wanting money. I thought no wonder I have been invited after all these years Hmm I put £20 in a card.

whirlwinds · 02/10/2019 10:45

My rule is around £30 for distant friends, £50-100 on close friends and family. No one I know would give much more than this.

goodwinter · 02/10/2019 10:48

People calling anything less than £50 "cheap" or "stingy" should be really ashamed of themselves, especially so on a thread where OP has told us that she can't afford more than £20.

Disgusting attitudes.

fifig87 · 02/10/2019 10:52

In Ireland we tend to be more generous. 100/150 for a single person and up to 200 for a couple. Family runs in alot more. Have a siblings wedding coming up, I will give them about 300. Other siblings are giving them 500!

verticality · 02/10/2019 10:52

It IS cheap if you are middle class and asset-rich, living the kind of lifestyle that is often seen as 'standard' on here, ie. a £300k house, two cars, private education. It is NOT cheap if you are on benefits and every quid has to be budgeted for and fought over.

I don't know any couple who are so greedy that they wouldn't recognise a difference between those cases. Most people are reasonable. OP shouldn't worry. But yes, if you like in a half million pound house and your idea of a wedding gift is £20, you are tight!

Newkitchen123 · 02/10/2019 10:54

Whatever you can afford.
We are recent newlyweds, albeit not in our 20s.we got married abroad. We said to people coming out and spending a fortune to attend absolutely no gifts. Some gave little gifts anyway, some gave vouchers, some didn't. One gave us a gift they'd made themselves. We just wanted them there. We didn't have a do back home.
It really isn't about how much you spend.

Xsavanah · 02/10/2019 10:55

You've been invited to the hen do so I would imagine the bride considers you a closer friend.

If it was me I would probably aim to give a 150-200 from me and partner, but I don't have many close friends and don't go to weddings often so I would treat it special.

It would require some saving up but wouldn't make me go hungry, if you genuinely can't afford that then do less.

Where I'm from it's the norm to pay at least what the expense of having you there was.

I personally think you get to enjoy a party and have some food, so it would be nice to give as much as you can (within reason).

That said, if I was going to 10 weddings in a year and had a really tight budget I probably wouldn't sweat it!

Homer28 · 02/10/2019 10:57

I know some of the amounts on here have been very high (£1,000?), however £10 is surely the other end of the scale?

For a close friends birthday I wouldn't even put £10 in a card but for a wedding..an event where you are being invited to a sit down 4/5 course meal + alcohol I think £50 a head is a reasonable minimum.

Flip even £15 for a childs birthday party/gift is the relative norm.

Spidey66 · 02/10/2019 11:00

Good Lord! Minimum of £200-300? I'd give between £20-50 depending on relationship, maybe up to £100 for a sibling....and while I'm not rich I certainly ain't poor! Last wedding I went to was a cousin's, they were asking for honeymoon donations, I gave her £50.

messolini9 · 02/10/2019 11:00

I do not understand people that say a tenner or a cheap bottle of champagne will suffice.
Let me help you - for many people, it HAS to suffice, because there is no more to offer.

I do understand that some people have tighter budgets than others, but you normally have notice of a wedding and most could probably stretch to something more
No, you don't understand.
For many people, their "tighter budget" runs out before the end of each month. Having notice of extra expenditure doesn't magically cause that lack of money to suddenly "stretch". Where is this mystical "stretching" going to come from - the kids food or shoe fund?

It's lovely that some posters can afford sums from £200 - £1000.
It's less lovely, & very Mumsnet, to stealth boast about it while simultaneously shaming people who are unable to "stretch" to find more that £20 FFS.

underneaththeash · 02/10/2019 11:09

We’re really well off. I would usually give a close friend a present costing around £75 if we were going to the daytime do.
We’ve never given money.

Crankybitch · 02/10/2019 11:10

I gave £1000 to a close family member - that’s my choice to make

I would be appalled & embarrasses if someone I knew was not well off had to do without to give me a present. If it was someone being a tight arse that’s a different story.

Your friend knows you so no doubt knows how well off you are so give what you feel comfortable with - maybe instead of a gift do a dinner for the bride and groom after the honeymoon so you can look at the photos etc? I’m sure she would love that

ScotsinOz · 02/10/2019 11:11

@purpleolive I’ve not received a kicking and @Butchyrestingface I’ve not back peddled at all, just repeated what was already in my earlier posts (since people can’t seem to read them clearly).

As for why I stated I was Scottish - this was in response to @HennyPennyHorror who said my way of deciding amounts was an Americanism.

Unknownanon · 02/10/2019 11:14

I suppose for some people on very high wages their social circle contains the same, so i could see £££ being the norm. Though I've never heard of a grand, so thats far outside my working class circle.

20 quid is fine for a new friend OP. I invited a few new friends, didn't expect gifts but got about the same of prosecco and lovely cards. I was just chuffed that they would come.

BenWillbondsPants · 02/10/2019 11:16

People calling anything less than £50 "cheap" or "stingy" should be really ashamed of themselves, especially so on a thread where OP has told us that she can't afford more than £20.

I totally agree @goodwinter . There's a definite of the 'superior' from some posters and it's unkind, particularly as the OP has already said she can't afford any more than £20. Those saying that of course people can stretch to a bit more are very lucky that they've never really been skint. I mean really skint. DH and I are ok for money now, luckily, but when we got married 18 years ago we were broke. Before that when we each lived in our own flats etc., we were broke then too. It's not fun.

RaaRaaeee · 02/10/2019 11:22

Shouldn’t be about money I’m sure you friend cate more about you attending and sharing her special day! .. but for a newish but close friend I would say between £20-50 depending on what you can afford! Xx

caringcarer · 02/10/2019 11:23

I am another who would make sure I covered the cost of inviting me and then add £50. So if en expensive wedding reception they would get a larger gift. Except with my nieces and nephews who always get the same.

bobsyourauntie · 02/10/2019 11:23

I gave my close friend £40 when they got married. He earned around 5 times what i did , so it wouldn't look like much to him, but to me it was a lot of money and he knew that.

Life was so much easier when everyone had a gift list as you picked something that you could afford! This stuff about covering the cost of your meal is another "only on MN" thing . I have been to weddings at home, weddings in posh hotels and weddings somewhere in the middle. They all got the same gift of £20 from me as it was all I could afford. it's not down to me whether they provide a bbq or a 3 course dinner!

OP, please please pay what you can afford and be happy about it. You need to keep in mind that MN has a huge variety of membership meaning that finances are very different for some people.

BarbaraofSeville · 02/10/2019 11:26

What are people on low income supposed to do - stay home in shame and never attend weddings

That's exactly what a lot of people on here seem to think. See also 'if you can't afford to go out for a meal and split the bill evenly with people who are having 3 courses and cocktails, then you shouldn't go'. Ridiculous.

OP, £20 is absolutely fine. Go and have a lovely time. For the person who seems to think you couldn't get a nice gift for £20, of course you could. You'd get a nice bottle of sparkling wine for that, if they drink - not champagne, and not cheap cava/prosecco, but something quite special, such as an English sparkling wine.

At least no-one has said how grabby requests for cash are and they should be given a photo frame that they don't want and be damn grateful for it.

GrumpiestCat · 02/10/2019 11:30

50 quid for a close friend. 20 for an acquaintance. But whatever you can afford! It's nothing to do with the wedding cost though imho.

Butchyrestingface · 02/10/2019 11:31

That's exactly what a lot of people on here seem to think. See also 'if you can't afford to go out for a meal and split the bill evenly with people who are having 3 courses and cocktails, then you shouldn't go'. Ridiculous

Don’t forget a massive tip for the waiting staff. If you can’t afford to do that, you are scum.

Confusedbeetle · 02/10/2019 11:32

I would never give more than £50

isabellerossignol · 02/10/2019 11:35

Flip even £15 for a childs birthday party/gift is the relative norm

I don't really think it is. When my kids receive birthday presents from anyone other than us, their parents, it would be rare for them to have cost more than £5 to £10.

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