Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give more

378 replies

SummerTime12345 · 02/10/2019 00:21

So a friend is getting married very soon. They have asked for money for their honeymoon - which obviously doesn't bother me if that's what they want!
I just don't know what to give. We have only met this year but have become very close and see each other a couple of times a week. I'm going to the full wedding day and I went on the hen do. But I don't know what to give!
Help!

OP posts:
isabellerossignol · 02/10/2019 11:35

Or that should actually say I don't think it the norm everywhere. I don't think there is a norm actually, as this thread is illustrating.

purpleolive · 02/10/2019 11:38

@ScotsinOz I meant in the context of getting a kick out of acting superior over the OP, I can't fathom why else you'd have done it. Although I disagree, I'd say you've been given a fair verbal kicking by most here, and rightly so.

DarlingNikita · 02/10/2019 11:41

A gift is separate to what they’ve chosen to spend on your attendance… I find it so bizarre when people factor in ‘they spent £50 per head so i’ll give that plus money on top so they’re not just breaking even’. They’re choosing to throw an expensive event because it’s what they want.

I agree with this. It's not like for like (or it shouldn't be). A gift by definition is given without a formula or strings (or it should be!).

The most I've given is £50, and that's for my nephew's wedding. That's what I can afford. Simple as that.

It is not 'cheap' to give what you can afford, and those on here saying so are just extremely rude and gauche and to be ignored.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 02/10/2019 11:41

I think 50 to 100. I've normally given around 75 if just me attending day or 50 evening or 100 if both attend all day

ElizaPancakes · 02/10/2019 11:43

We gave £70 to our close friends towards their honeymoon. They gave us similar. As much as I like our friends, we spent the best part of £200 for accommodation and new clothes, personally any person that has issue with gifts given is clearly not a very good friend. I don’t expect to be invited to a wedding and then my gift be to cover my own meal; fine if others want to use that as an indicator but I don’t and neither does anyone I know.

We give £5 or £10 for kids birthdays.

I think £20 is fine.

ChibiTotoro · 02/10/2019 11:46

Some of these responses are hilarious and for the person who said you would be shamed in upper class circles for not giving a large amount, that's just ridiculous, or it certainly is in the circles I mix in.

I think of my wedding day as the best party I ever went to. I was grateful to everyone who attended for their presence not the value of their presents.

Gift lists were still a thing when I got married nearly 10 years ago. The most expensive gift we had on there was a DAB radio for £65 and we were shocked that some of our guests were generous enough to buy it for us.

A wedding is a celebration of a union and I believe shouldn't be seen as an opportunity to be materialistic.

Give what you feel is right OP.

ScotsinOz · 02/10/2019 12:20

@purpleolive I’ve not acted superior to anyone - my normal may not be your normal- but in no way have I stated I’m superior. The OP asked for an opinion I agreed with another poster and stated what we do. That doesn’t make me superior nor does comments you and other posters have made about me make you superior .

The OP asked for opinions, I gave mine, a lot of you can’t fathom it, so don’t like it. That doesn’t make it wrong or snobby (as someone said), just different. That also doesn’t give you the right to put down someone because they are in better circumstances, just as no one has the right to put someone down because their circumstances aren’t great.

Also, still didn’t get a kicking, just found loads of people who clearly live a different life.

Crazycrazylady · 02/10/2019 12:22

Here in ireland . 150/200 is the nom!

BarberellaWife · 02/10/2019 12:22

The minimum I would do is £20 but that would be someone I'm not that close to. For close friends I would probably give £30.

purpleolive · 02/10/2019 12:29

@ScotsinOz plead ignorance all you want, it was a knobby and unhelpful thing to say. Do you really think the pp was helped by you divulging you pay £300-£1000 after she said she could give £20.....no I doubt it. What possible positive, assistance or otherwise did she get from that nugget of information?

BarbaraofSeville · 02/10/2019 12:32

So what do people in Ireland do if they don't have that kind of money spare?

Would people not go? Even if it meant missing a close relative's wedding if a gift that size meant they couldn't pay bills or buy food that month?

BenWillbondsPants · 02/10/2019 12:34

I love how some posters announce what everyone in their country gives. Like anyone would actually know apart from the bride and groom. Grin

DarlingNikita · 02/10/2019 12:38

Scots, you've been pretty judgemental actually. 'I do not understand people that say a tenner or a cheap bottle of champagne will suffice… you normally have notice of a wedding and most could probably stretch to something more'.

A tenner WILL 'suffice' if that's what you have. Likewise a cheap bottle. Even with notice, a lot of people probably can't spare a great deal.

BenWillbondsPants · 02/10/2019 12:42

That also doesn’t give you the right to put down someone because they are in better circumstances, just as no one has the right to put someone down because their circumstances aren’t great.

@ScotsinOz Absolutely right, yet you commented after the OP had said they could only afford £20. How do you think that made them feel? I'm sure you're not daft, surely you could see that would make them feel pretty shit.

missmouse101 · 02/10/2019 12:43

God this is horrendous. I had no expectation of anything at all from our guests. It' s not about the presents ffs. I couldn't spare £50! £30 or £40 would be my max and that is a great deal of money to give away to people who don't actually need it anyway.

BenWillbondsPants · 02/10/2019 12:44

Some people really are living hand to mouth every month and even £10 is more than they have spare.

Some people really don't seem to understand that or even acknowledge that it's true.

Rachelover60 · 02/10/2019 12:49

Wedding invitations are usually sent out well in advance so I think most people can put a little bit of money by each week or month for a gift. However I agree some of the suggestions are way over the top. Maybe if it was your sibling you would give more but generally I think £50 is about right.

Clappingforjoy · 02/10/2019 12:50

25 has always been acceptable in my circle

FavouriteSong · 02/10/2019 12:53

My nephew had a very extravagant wedding (and a very lovely wedding, I might add). He and his now wife are independently wealthy and asked for no presents, just our presence. A bit of a twee way of saying they didn't want gifts or money, but it was refreshing to get an invitation that didn't include an expensive gift list or requests for money, along with a wishlist of honeymoon activities they want to do with the money. I'm sorry but if you want to do a jeep safari, a hot air balloon ride, have hot stone massages and hire a boat, then save up the money!

Areyoufree · 02/10/2019 13:07

The average for our wedding was about £30. To be honest, though, we really didn't care - we only suggested a honeymoon contribution if people really wanted to buy us something, to prevent getting lots of unnecessary toasters! We encouraged people not to give us anything, as a lot of them had come a long way (in the UK, but quite far for some) to see us. At the end of the day, just having our friends there was more than enough.

ilovetofu · 02/10/2019 13:08

Lol @ a grand @stanski 🤣🤣🤣

ilovetofu · 02/10/2019 13:10

Sorry last post was @ScotsinOz BiscuitBiscuitBiscuitBiscuitBiscuitBiscuitBiscuitBiscuitBiscuitBiscuitBiscuitBiscuitBiscuitBiscuit

CrystalShark · 02/10/2019 13:17

I guess you’re very determined to try and save face ScotsinOz, but to echo others you very much have received a kicking (and it has been well deserved tbh given your attitude and your decision to share it here with this OP).

Btw OP, another thing to mention is that you really don’t have to give anything at all if you don’t want to or can’t afford, a card is polite but if the idea of having to choose a specific sum and then worrying about being judged for it is stressing you out, or £10-20 would stretch you, just don’t.

We had people at our wedding just give a card and I promise we thought it was very thoughtful of them and didn’t give the lack of cash a single thought. You invite people to celebrate and feel grateful they took the time to come and be happy and present for you. Not so your bank balance is a little higher the following day.

Johnjoeseph · 02/10/2019 13:19

So what do people in Ireland do if they don't have that kind of money spare?Would people not go? Even if it meant missing a close relative's wedding if a gift that size meant they couldn't pay bills or buy food that month?

Sadly yes it does mean that some people don't go to a wedding they otherwise would have. As they would be too embarrassed to put €10/20 in a card. Colloquially, wedding invitations are known as a "summons" here simply for the costs involved.

Invitations go out well in advance so people can plan accordingly and if needed, scrape the money from somewhere else (as I have done in the past!)

From my wedding and those of family/friends there's always a couple of people who will go but not give a gift or card at all. I imagine if that's the case they simply didn't have the money. Some might mutter about "forgetting" and will get it to you later but some will say nothing. It's not a big deal and will never be mentioned but because the gifts are generally so extravagant it does get noticed.

FieldsOf · 02/10/2019 13:20

We're getting married in 4 weeks and have asked for money - most of the my friends will be putting a tenner in a card I would think, and that's lovely.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread