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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should pay 1/3?

744 replies

stickeritup · 01/10/2019 19:37

Travelling with my cousin and his wife to another cousin’s wedding in a different part of the country. They have one child, who’s also coming. I don’t have any.

We’re hiring a car because neither of us has a big enough one. The cost is £120. I assumed we’d pay £40 each for the three adults. Cousin has text saying ‘so that’s £60 each’, meaning £60 for me and £60 between him and his wife.

I don’t think this is right. AIBU? I know it’s only £20 but it happens all the time when some couples assume that they count as ‘one’.

OP posts:
PickedByYou · 02/10/2019 00:48

The MAX you should pay is 1/3

And that includes petrol. Don't let yourself be a mug OP.

pumkinspicetime · 02/10/2019 00:49

The more you write the more I get the feeling that this isn't about maths. It is far more about feeling generally taken advantage of as a single person and having much higher day to day running costs which you do. Houses, cars etc are cheaper for couples to run rather than singles.
I can't really understand your mathematical reasoning about car rental and petrol but I don't think think it is the crux of the issue.
Leaving aside the madness of traveling with a toddler of course.
I think your own car is the way to go.

managedmis · 02/10/2019 00:51

You shouldn't be paying at all really

Who's actually driving?

Original poster
stickeritup · 02/10/2019 00:57

m3lon I'm not used to toddlers, I didn't really think about it.

Pumpkins, I honestly don't understand how you can't understand the mathematical reasoning behind £120 needing to be paid to transport three adults to a destination means three adults need to contribute £40 each. If I don't go with them which, after the many warnings about the toddler on this thread, I think I won't, then they're going to be paying £60 each.

OP posts:
Original poster
stickeritup · 02/10/2019 00:57

Who's actually driving?

The three of us were going to share it.

OP posts:
SaraNade · 02/10/2019 01:10

I have to admit, if it is 9 hours away, and no close airport, I would give my apologies to the deceased cousin's family and say I couldn't make it. I think driving 9 hours is a bit unreasonable just for a funeral of a cousin. Depends on how close you were though I guess. Not sure why your cousin and his wife would want to go on a 9 hour trip with stops with a child. Sounds like sheer hell on earth and no way would I have ever entertained the thought of going with them. As I like my space, peace and quiet etc I would be driving myself in my own car (preferably TO the airport and leaving car there at the airport while I fly, like everyone else does) and cousin/wife can drive themselves in theirs.

And no, you are absolutely NBU. It should be third. I would NOT pay 50%, no way. Then again, as I said, I echo PPs. I'd fly or send a massive bouquet with apologies.

Rachelover60 · 02/10/2019 01:14

Please do decide to go alone. Then you can do it at your own pace, stopping as and when you choose, with only the radio for company - no miserable child. Poor little kid, I feel sorry for that one.

Flying, as others have suggested, seems a sensible option too.

tabulahrasa · 02/10/2019 01:18

“Her husband was presumably taking no clothes.”

Well my DP has managed to pack for two holidays this year without even filling a carry on sized bag, so maybe...lol

Anyway, car costs...

If you’re splitting the driving properly 3 ways I’d be tempted to thing of the extra cost as paying for the non driving time you gain not driving, if that makes sense?

But no way would I do that drive with a toddler Shock I’d drive myself and arrange the stops so you’re there at the same time.

DeRigueurMortis · 02/10/2019 01:21

YANBU OP.

It's "couples entitlement". You don't stop being a "person" when you're in a relationship.

It's like double dipping at a buffet - rude and disrespectful.

I say this as a "married" myself.

DH and I have single friends and I find it annoying on their behalf when others in our social circle behave like your cousin (and call them in it).

No - you don't spilt a restaurant bill 3 ways between 2 couples and a single friend (especially so in one case when they brought their 3 children with them) etc

No - you don't go to the bar as a "twofer" and expect your friend to effectively provide you with a BOGOF Deal.

Frankly, in your position I'd just ditch the whole idea and drive yourself especially if a small child is involved having done similar with my own DC myself and never again and make a holiday out of the journey or flying there.

Original poster
stickeritup · 02/10/2019 01:33

It’s not a funeral, SaraNade, it’s a wedding.

I’d be tempted to thing of the extra cost as paying for the non driving time you gain not driving They’re both getting more non-driving time too though.

I’d drive myself and arrange the stops so you’re there at the same time. I think this is what I’m going to do.

Exactly, DeRigueur. It baffles me how anyone can think it’s okay. ‘We have one bank account’. Well that’s all well and good but it has to pay for two people.

OP posts:
tabulahrasa · 02/10/2019 01:50

“They’re both getting more non-driving time too though.”

Yep, but they’re only gaining 17% non driving time each, you’re gaining 66% (I’m not doing the decimals, lol)

I do think it should’ve been split per adult btw - just trying to make it a bit more palatable in case you were wanting to do the trip together and it’s likely to become awkward if you stand your ground over it.

AhNowTed · 02/10/2019 01:51

"Well that’s all well and good but it has to pay for two people."

Exactly OP.

I can't actually believe that anyone would be so brass-necked (and miserly) to ask you to pay half.

Fuck that.

SaraNade · 02/10/2019 01:56

@stickeritup Shit, how did I read funeral for wedding? Oh god, that is very embarrassing. I am very sorry. BlushBlush

pumkinspicetime · 02/10/2019 02:07

Pumpkins, I honestly don't understand how you can't understand the mathematical reasoning behind £120 needing to be paid to transport three adults to a destination means three adults need to contribute £40 each

Because two adults where always going to be in one car and sharing the fuel. This wasn't three cars going to one but two cars going to one.
Likewise with fuel, if it goes from splitting three ways to separate cars driving then their fuel bill goes up by a third, yours goes up by 2/3 rds.
Your adult splitting works perfectly for trains or planes which are paid for by individuals but cars are unit costs regardless of individuals within the car.
Anyway I think this is really about other things. ( and you'd be nuts to travel with toddler 😂)

Caledoniahasmyheartforever · 02/10/2019 02:20

I honestly can’t understand how any couple/ family would expect you to pay half! Tbh if you were my cousin I would just ask for a contribution to the petrol as we would need to hire the car anyway!

I wouldn’t want to drive that distance with my two kids and they are 12 and 10 and would be attached to iPads for the majority of the journey! A long road trip with a clingy baby (babies age is when my kids were both going through clingy phases) would be hell! I bet you that your dc’s Wife would not be driving, she will be in the back trying to soothe the baby who is going to be really pissed off that she is locked in a car seat for hours! My car journeys when my two were that age consisted of ‘ooh look a pig- old macdonald had a farm EE eye EE eye oh’ oh look a horse, a cow, a dog....you get my drift. Then passing snacks, a bottle or a boob... my two were frequently travel sick too! The smell, oh my goodness the smell, when you had no option but to keep going and cleaning everything with baby wipes!

Basically for me, a Mother who adored every little ‘whats At’ and answered every time, it would be a hellish trip! If you have no dc, it honestly is worth the extra to drive alone!

Durgasarrow · 02/10/2019 02:22

1/3. Especially if youre traveling with a baby. Which is miserable.

TheNumberOneSourceOfEverything · 02/10/2019 02:46

50/50 I reckon. Both families are getting the same benefit from the car.

All three adults having the same benefit is the reason why all adults should be paying the same, instead OP paying £60, her cousin £30 and his girlfriend £30.

lnzn · 02/10/2019 04:28

I sympathise OP.

My DH has a CF who, when we go out for dinner, brings his wife, brother and 2 DCs. The CF will order full adult meals for his 2 DC and then when the bill comes, tries to split the entire bill by couples. Meaning my DH and I (and whoever else goes to dinner with them) will foot part of their bill as they effectively don't count their children or the brother in the head count. We don't eat with then much anymore and know other people who actively avoid them as well.

meccacos2 · 02/10/2019 04:44

A 9 hour trip actually necessitates a night stop over somewhere. As it’s 4.5 hours each day.

I would even do 6-7 hours one day and 2-3 hours the next day.

I have done plenty of long trips.

Two frazzled parents, one stroppy toddler sitting for 9 hours with snack, tantrums, nappy changes and vomiting.... absolutely no way,

I also envisage the toddler will get their music played on the trip.

Your small car and only one occupant will mean less petrol money. I suppose you’ll end up splitting the petrol 50/50 as well?

I would fly or catch a train. You can justify the expense of otherwise having to financially subsidise your cousin’s family or by the wear and tear on your own vehicle.

TidyDancer · 02/10/2019 05:00

I think travelling alone might be the best thing to do here. That won't be a fun drive for you anyway and them ripping you off will just make you resentful.

zsazsajuju · 02/10/2019 05:11

Third each. Try only paying for one person on a bus or train cos you’re a couple. You wouldn’t need a car at all if his family weren’t coming

Bucatini · 02/10/2019 05:36

Place marking to see the brother’s reply!

Seedling111 · 02/10/2019 05:59

Think about it as if it were renting a holiday villa.

You wouldn't pay half of a three room house, because the reason it needs three rooms is because they have extra people.

You should only be paying a third.

Frankly if I were your cousin I would be saying I'd pay for the whole car and not to bother. He needs to rent a separate car anyway because his cant take three so he might as well give you a lift anyway. Hes being a bit stingy I feel.

Just take your car and let him pay for his own rental.

Geekynzmum · 02/10/2019 06:09

Gwenhwyfar - yes it was family. I did suggest including the kids in the split as one was our DC, but all the adults together decided not to.

Monestasi · 02/10/2019 06:12

Third. But I would pay to not have sit in the back of a car - or any part of the car - with a toddler.

Nothing could get me to take part in such hell.