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AIBU?

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Original poster

DHs texts making me uncomfortable

165 replies

legalseagull · 01/10/2019 16:03

Two children under two. Youngest 6 months. Admittedly sex life isn't the best but not awful either. DH always had a higher drive. Problem is he puts absolutely no effort in at all to get me in the mood. For example the other night I was complaining about how tired I was (Youngest not sleeping through yet). I said I was going for an early night. Stood up to go and he randomly says "do you want my cock". Like, WTF is that?! It's like a half arsed stab at getting sex. Like something a builder would shout at a passing woman to harass her.
Today we're texting about the kids and he completely randomly says "I'd love a go on you". It's just so out of context and bizarre. I suppose he thinks it's sexy but it pisses me right off. He's like a pervy bloke on online dating. I half expect a random cockshot. It makes me feel really disrespected and pestered. He thinks I'm being a bore. AIBU

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 02/10/2019 02:18

This thread is sooo depressing. I absolutely adore my DH and would have sex every day if we could

Whoop-de-woo for you. Not about you. Would you feel that way if he did something that was a complete turn off (like in the OP's case)?

This thread is full of women running down their husbands for wanting intimacy. Why?

Reread thread. Mainly about men being crass and insensitive.

Why did you get married?

Big question but she probably expected to be married to a grown up and not someone who randomly says "do you want my cock"? - and then expects that to be a turn on

What changed?

Err, OP having 2 children under the age of 2 perhaps? And a husband that randlomly says or texts immature explicit questions, knowing she doesn't like it, and calls her boring. That'll do it.

Mothership4two · 02/10/2019 02:20

@legalseagull - tell him to grow up! YANBU

Sweetpeach3 · 02/10/2019 02:38

yANBU
I just don't think men get how tiering 2 children are. I'd of love to have gone back to work straight away after DD. Work is a bloody break from been a mum because it's one tough job!!
But my Dickhead of a partner has gave up now... FINALLY!! just keep to the leggings and the lovely milky tops or maybe even a onesie an they soon fuck off!
Even saying it's you TOTM when they know it's now
Literally it came so patronising to have sex I used to lie their an count how long it took to be over with him and his dog breath attempting to kiss me an me just saying hurry up "" kind of killed the mood even more . Urgh genuinely no sex drive for him and when they make no effort just the snide remarks makes it even worse! Please don't touch my bum when I'm getting in the car or hoovering up. I hit him with the hoover once. Fucking vile thing to do!

Genuinely it's over quicker an takes more effort to pull my knickers down then to have a 2 squat pop with him
Give me a cactus over a man like this any day

Rant over 🙋🏼‍♀️

wellhelloyou · 02/10/2019 03:21

This would definitely annoy me. I would sit down with him just the two of you with a cup of tea and just explain how you feel. Let him know that you need to have an emotional connection not just sexual words/innuendos to get you in the mood. Tell him how his words make you feel.

Explain you understand from his point of view but what he is saying is making things worse, opposite effect! Try to not finger point or blame ( although obviously this is entirely his doing!). Has he done this in the past?

I think he doesn't know how to communicate he would like to make love!!

CardiFree · 02/10/2019 03:48

Feel for you OP.

I think something like a subtle kiss on the back of the neck while passing (on the way to bed maybe)is vastly underrated ;)

minesagin37 · 02/10/2019 03:54

He's a bit coarse isn't he? I'm afraid I would be thinking have I married the right bloke?

NearlyGranny · 02/10/2019 04:32

He needs a book called something like The Thinking Man's Guide to Foreplay, doesn't he? We could write it jointly.

First thing to understand is that when he gets into bed, he is the exact same person he's been all day; if he's slacked off and watched his partner run herself into the ground from the comfort of the sofa, she's not just going to be tired, she'll be resentful as well. Turn-off.

Likewise, if he wants his partner to be longing for the touch of his hands at bedtime it's probably best if she hasn't had to fight them off every time she bent over to put something in the dishwasher or the oven.

Foreplay is pitching in. Sexy is when she turns round and sees the floor's been swept or the surfaces wiped and she isn't having to mint a medal for him on the spot.

Horehound · 02/10/2019 04:36

"A go on". Eugh as if you're a ride at the switches.

JoObrien7 · 02/10/2019 05:24

I hate sexy texts! Luckily my husband feels the same. I once sent him a picture of my boobs as a joke and he messaged back "Have you been drinking?" ha ha As for men sending pictures of their genitals - yuk! that is the most revolting thing any man could do. I was recently sent one on a site I visit so I put it on the boards and he was banned only to come back under another id accusing all the women on there of posting it on the boards. So he must have sent it to loads of women on there.

As for the OP if I was you I would put some bromide in his tea or something similar. Grin just jokingbtw

Original poster
legalseagull · 02/10/2019 07:12

@Huskylover1 that's the problem - they don't want intimacy. They want a quick shag without having to bother with intimacy which make us feel used and disrespected

OP posts:
ChilledBee · 02/10/2019 07:13

See this is where for me, it starts to stray towards unhealthy, or at least, incompatible:

5 minutes with his arm swishing some bubbles in water if he wants to get laid.

I don't think one person should always have to do things to make the other person want to have sex with them. For us, or for DH, he wanted someone who wanted to have sex with him of their own accord. Not who would do it as thanks for being a good husband that day. That's how he said it.

Original poster
legalseagull · 02/10/2019 07:22

I don't even want a big song and dance. I don't think men should have to earn sex with house cleaning and bubble baths. I just want it to start more organically. A kiss on the neck would soon establish if I am in the mood. I'll talk to him today. I was too pissed off last night it would have just blown up in to a fight

OP posts:
Original poster
legalseagull · 02/10/2019 07:23

I'm with you chilledbee

OP posts:
Lentilbug · 02/10/2019 07:31

@legalseagull why not show him this thread?

TheChampagneGalop · 02/10/2019 07:55

Hoping that you two get to have a good discussion legal!

Original poster
legalseagull · 02/10/2019 10:32

@Lentilbug he would probably be quite upset that I was posting about him and it'd cause a whole new argument!

OP posts:
Hont1986 · 02/10/2019 10:59

How often do you initiate with him?

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/10/2019 11:05

I think, if it's not natural to them to make you a cup of tea or run you a bath, then it all starts to seem a bit transactional if you see what I mean. 'I do this for you, and then you do this for me'. Foreplay should (for me) be mostly in the mind - a man asking - and genuinely listening to the reply - what you've done today, how you are feeling, what you think about something is far more sexy than 'your tits look great in that dress'.

30to50FeralHogs · 02/10/2019 11:21

I think, if it's not natural to them to make you a cup of tea or run you a bath, then it all starts to seem a bit transactional

But a good relationship IS transactional, it’s called give and take. Otherwise one partner ends up doing all the giving and the other does all the taking!

If you both genuinely want the best for each other, there will be a transactional nature to it.

My DP knows I love tea so he offers to make me one quite often. It makes me feel cared for. When I feel cared for I’m more likely to want to tickle his back while we watch tv. Those two acts of kindness will set us up for intimacy later.

When DP is busy and distracted with work or hobbies and is too tired to make me tea or to give my feet a rub, but still expects a back tickle and to have dinner on the table I feel taken for granted and will feel less in the mood for sex later.

30to50FeralHogs · 02/10/2019 11:25

And the sex isn’t a ‘reward’ for him, it’s something we both enjoy- it’s just that I need to feel connected to enjoy it, so the little acts of service are important to me - like someone above said, nothing sexier than a man mopping the floor (not that DP ever has! But when he does jobs and takes a bit of the pressure off me, it makes me feel warmly toward him).

It might be a Love Language thing - acts of service is my major one, DP is physical touch, so he’s happy when my hands are on him, I’m happy when he’s showing me that he cares by taking the load of my shoulders.

ChilledBee · 02/10/2019 11:40

Yeah see I've never felt taken for granted in that sort of way. DH is very domesticated but guys from his culture usually are. Especially if they're raised by a single mother and/or dad isn't around much and there are mainly male children. But even then his culture expect older siblings to look after younger ones and be able in the house. He's used to waking up on a Saturday and cleaning the whole house together and cooking all day Sunday before a family meal.

SunshineCake · 02/10/2019 12:14

@Sweetpeach3 - please tell me you are not still with this horrible man ?

SunshineCake · 02/10/2019 12:17

"why not show him this thread?"

Don't show him this thread.

For all the hard of thinking who regularly say this, it is almost 100% never a good idea to recommend this.

Sweetpeach3 · 02/10/2019 13:38

@SunshineCake
I'm literally in the middle of leaving the twat! Don't worry 😉

FizzyGreenWater · 02/10/2019 14:00

he would probably be quite upset that I was posting about him and it'd cause a whole new argument!

'Stop being a total twat then and there will be nothing to post about'

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