DHs texts making me uncomfortable

[legalseagull]

Two children under two. Youngest 6 months. Admittedly sex life isn't the best but not awful either. DH always had a higher drive. Problem is he puts absolutely no effort in at all to get me in the mood. For example the other night I was complaining about how tired I was (Youngest not sleeping through yet). I said I was going for an early night. Stood up to go and he randomly says "do you want my cock". Like, WTF is that?! It's like a half arsed stab at getting sex. Like something a builder would shout at a passing woman to harass her.
Today we're texting about the kids and he completely randomly says "I'd love a go on you". It's just so out of context and bizarre. I suppose he thinks it's sexy but it pisses me right off. He's like a pervy bloke on online dating. I half expect a random cockshot. It makes me feel really disrespected and pestered. He thinks I'm being a bore. AIBU

It sounds like he is giving crass atetempts and ou are giving none. I get your tired and baby doesn't sleep through. (Mine were 4 yr before they did.) But show him what turns you, Dress in a way that makes you feal sexy, or embowering to you. Perhaps he nneds to be riminded. If you just push him away then yes i expect he will feal rejected. If he gives you text say no thats not how you say this is how you say tell him what you want to hear.

SoupDragon My ex husband once came up behind me in the bathroom when l was bent over the basin washing my face. Started humping me and actually pushed my face into the water. l went absolutely apeshit. He genuinely had no idea why. lt was like living with an oversexed labrador. And then he wondered why l didn't want to shag him.

I don’t mind a bit of hey sexy mama want a ride or damn lookit that thang (my booty) or girl you STILL got it going on type comments from my DH. I think I don’t mind because there is always a compliment or admiration within his comments.

OP your DHs comments seem to be self centred...like want my cock is saying his cock is irresistible. That would turn me off too.

I think if he switched it up to saying things that make you feel attractive and irresistible to him, it would be a lot better for you.

WhereYouLeftIt That's a brilliant idea! l wish l'd thought of that.

Funnily enough, mine is an XH too.

My ex husband used to talk to me like that. He also used to grab and grope me.

You'll notice I said he's my ex. It got to the point I couldn't bare for him to touch me and the thought of sex with him was abhorrent.

It's just not sexy or even remotely respectful.
Does he believe you're here to satisfy his every desire?!
Bleugh!

It's true that if he's nice to you and you are not so tired you may be more in the mood, but the danger of explaining that is that he will do what he thinks you want and then think he's entitled.
I've been told, only half jokingly, I'm supposed to like it! Er no, but you may improve your chances by being more sensitive. Meantime that's what his right hand is for. Tell him to back right off

The fact that you told him it turned you off and a) he hasn't changed b) sulked would put me off.

I agree with Fuzzy, I'd say just that.

He needs to grow up.

Gawd, Soup, don't blame you for dropping anyone who does something like that. Blech!

@FooFighter99

I think I need a link to that thread for my dp.

ChilledBee Is your advice to OP that she needs to become hornier and shouldn't expect her partner to be more respectful in his "attempts" to arouse her? I hope I am misunderstanding your point.

I have/had a higher sex drive than my DH (had, because he’s since passed) but I never said those things to him. Sometimes I really reeeeally wanted to have sex but it’d be gross to harass him like that.

Oh dear, he really doesn't sound like a sensitive partner at all.
My DH can be a bit crap like this, I will collapse into bed after being on the go from 7-10:30 with toddler, chores, my job and then having not spoken to me much all night, he starts trying to have sex with me. I tell him again and again that I actually need to feel seen and feel that there is communication between us for it to build into having sex but he thinks he can just practically ignore me all evening then stick his penis in me at the end of the day, it's so frustrating. I feel your pain, I really do but no answers I'm afraid apart from setting aside time to talk about it.

Your reaction is completely normal and reasonable. His words are a kind of sexual bullying. Then he becomes manipulative/coercive by saying you're boring etc. Both of these ways of acting are sexual coercion.

Nasty!

You are under no obligation to do anything you don't want to. xxx

My boyfriend sends similar messages, but I like it so it’s fine, if I didn’t he would stop, which is the difference.

Be truthful, look at him in disgust and tell him you definitely do not feel the same.

@RhinoskinhaveI I wouldn't go that far. He's not turned on by me stacking the dishwasher. The timing is completely irrelevant to him. That's the point. He doesn't think about how I might be feeling. I don't think he even is that horny ALL the time. I think the thought "I want sex" momentarily pops in to his head so he blurts it out in an immature shot at getting sex. He's not some chauvinistic monster. He does more than his fair share around the house and with the kids. He just doesn't know how to initiate sex anymore given how we no longer have much alone time. There's always a baby or toddler to tend to and in the evenings the "I'm only going to get two hours sleep before a feed" anxiety

😬@KellyHall that made me laugh. Who doesn't love a good leg hump?

@TheChampagneGalop

My posts in order:

1)I agree that he is crass. However, I improved my relationship/sex life by letting go of the idea of my husband having to "get me in the mood". Some of that stemmed from the fact I was on SSRIs and had little independent sex drive but it was also something I was conditioned to believe. Men seduce women who weren't even thinking about sex until he wooed her. Of course I would become aroused once he did things to set the mood or get me warmed up but I'd never just "fancy a bit" and maybe initiate. It become gruelling for hubby in the end and addressing my beliefs about sex and its role in a relationship plus coming off of SSRIs (appropriate for me at that time) helped tremendously

2)Neither???

I accepted that my husband feels frustrated by having to "take me" from 0 to 10 every time he wants to meet what is a legitimate need from his partner and if I wanted him to feel happy and content with our marriage, that couldn't be our norm. He had some accepting to do, I'm sure. It wasn't all me just giving. It was a case of us both coming to understand the other's PoV and that making it easier to find a happy medium. That meant on my part, doing a bit of sexual exploration and pushing my comfort zone was fun and exciting rather than something plagued with pressure and fear of loss.

3)Therapy helped us tremendously. We were together for a good while before marriage but didn't live together until after marriage. It was mostly logistics that made it that way but when it got close to the wedding and we hadn't moved in, we thought it would be "fun" if we did it the old fashioned way where we moved in after our honeymoon. The reality was that we had separate finances and although we spent nearly every night together, we were still awfully shielded from the realities of formally sharing everything. Within 3 months, we were at breaking point. Therapy saved us.

@Drogosnextwife I’ve PM’d you

StarlingsInSummer

'He asked me if I wanted a beef injection' . Sorry but that made me laugh out loud!

absopugginglutely That's exactly what my ex was like. He'd virtually ignore me all day/evening, then come bedtime expect me to be swinging from the chandelier. lt didn't happen.

OP sounds like you are getting some good advice.

I think communication is key. Helping him by telling him how he can communicate with you to get things better between you too etc.

How revolting. I think it's actually quite aggressive because he must know you would hate that.
Saying it again and again is threatening and shows a complete lack of respect for you.
I'd be concerned tbh.

Sex for me ended up feeling like just another chore to tick off, to the point I'd be constantly calculating how long it was since the last session and feel obliged to initiate it or I'd be moaned at for being "boring".

He'd grope at inappropriate times, sometimes with the DC in the next room, and he'd again complain I was "boring" if I pushed him away. He ^knew" I didn't like it, and new I didn't like those random odd moments when he'd grab me and shove his hand in my pants while holding on tight and not letting me get away.

So while ChilledBee and her partner came to a mutual agreement, in my case, my ex turned into a sex pest, treating me like an appliance along with the dishwasher. No amount of trying to discuss it would work. I'd tried all right, tried explaining what I liked, but he basically wouldn't listen, kept doing what he wanted and insisting I should like that.

One of many reasons he's an ex.