DHs texts making me uncomfortable

[legalseagull]

Two children under two. Youngest 6 months. Admittedly sex life isn't the best but not awful either. DH always had a higher drive. Problem is he puts absolutely no effort in at all to get me in the mood. For example the other night I was complaining about how tired I was (Youngest not sleeping through yet). I said I was going for an early night. Stood up to go and he randomly says "do you want my cock". Like, WTF is that?! It's like a half arsed stab at getting sex. Like something a builder would shout at a passing woman to harass her.
Today we're texting about the kids and he completely randomly says "I'd love a go on you". It's just so out of context and bizarre. I suppose he thinks it's sexy but it pisses me right off. He's like a pervy bloke on online dating. I half expect a random cockshot. It makes me feel really disrespected and pestered. He thinks I'm being a bore. AIBU

@Windydaysuponus god no! He'd think all his christmasses had come at once!

Does he work with men who are a lot younger than him? Because asking if you want his cock, fancy or shag, or talking about having a go on you, sound like the words of an inexperienced man in his early 20's or younger.

Assuming you do want to have sex with him sometimes, tell him to cut out the Inbetweeners script and work on being thoughtful and romantic instead.

That approach works for some people but not others. If he has two children with you you’d think he’d know how to approach you for sex by now!

Definitely play him at his own game! I'd look up some examples of things to say back but I'm on the work phone 🤣

In response to the dishwasher incident you should have said "there is nothing sexier than a man who loads the dishwasher by all means get your cock out once you've loaded the dinner plates" and walked off and put your least sexy pyjamas on - we've all got that pair of PJs that scream "your cock isn't coming anywhere near me tonight!" 🤣

Beef injection

@MySonIsAlsoNamedBort Oh dear. I think I'm your DH in my own relationship

Same tho!!! 😂 I’m (as is DH) very to the point. I refuse to combine sex and romance! Makes me cringe!

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted last night I slept in the leggings I'd been wearing all day and a breast milk stained Rolling Stones T-shirt. Nailed that look

OP ..you need to tell him about your friend..you know the one who left her husband cos he forgot how to make her feel special...(make it up anything just give him something to think about ) Then after a few days tell him who should you have bumped into but said friend who is now in a new relationship with a fabulous man and darling do you know what he does for her? He runs her a bath brings her a drink and you would never believe what he also does...she says she is having the most amazing sex life now cos he touches her and holds her he tells her she is beautiful and sexy and he does all sorts...I was quite jealous of how kind he treats her ,,I would love that romance...if you look closely and he is any kind of decent man you will be able to see the cogs in his brain turning OP!!! Take out you and him and replace with imaginary friend and feed him what you want him to think about! Then hopefully sit back and enjoy it!!!

I've found this with some men - they think this 'dirty talk' turns women on because it turns them on. They literally cannot imagine that women aren't turned on by the sight of a naked willy swinging about or that 'I want to squeeze your tits' doesn't instantly make every woman in the vicinity instantly wet.

They have no imagination and no ability to understand that WOMEN DON'T THINK LIKE MEN! Or some men, anyway.

DH used to have a horrible habit of groping me and trying to initiate sex at inappropriate times and making gross comments, to the point that I was constantly turned off.

I sent him a link to a thread on here where the OP had a similar, but worse, DP and everyone was replying saying he was sexualy harrasing her and to LTB. DH read the thread, apologised for making me feel like a piece of meat and hasn't done it since.

Can you sit your DH down and explain that his actions are a massive turn off and he needs to put some more effort into your relationship if he expects you to get intimate with him? Men don't realise that women's brains are wired differently and it takes much more effort for us to get in the mood!

Time for a serious grown up talk as you are married to an adult. He just needs reminding to act like one or his sex life is going to shrink to never happening.

Tell him foreplay starts in the morning with the hoover, carries on with cups of tea and affection, and ends with dinner and a clean kitchen, interspersed with decent and meaningful conversation.

Start being a LOT straighter with him.

'No, because of that text - a total turn off. I've said that so many times before though and you take no notice so I can only imagine you don't actually want sex anyway.'

'Err no thanks, it's quite hard feeling turned on by someone that speaks to me like I'm a wank sock.'

'No, I hate the way you send nasty crass texts to me and it really turns me off you and makes me feel like you don't give a shit about my feelings.'

Clever, Sally.

OP I would find messages like that a total turn off and I’d find the way he keeps doing it after you’ve told him it’s a total turn off even more of a turn off. Like he things of you as a place to get sex on tap rather than someone with your own intimacy needs. Do you know what would get you in the mood at the moment? Some of the things you write about both of you being so tired and not putting the effort in now you have kids sound very familiar (probably sound familiar to 95% of parents!). Also the fact you’re often resorting to quickies makes me wonder how much you’re getting out of sex when it happens. Perhaps sitting down together (may be with a therapist if It isn’t likely to go well just the two of you) and trying to work out what it would take to get you both More in the mood at the same time. And that should help move him on from this tactic (which clearly isn’t working) to something that’s good for both of you?

Yeah, that's bad OP.

@ZetaPuppis... that would just be the best foreplay in the world!! (My DH is also of the 'fancy a shag' kind but I regularly(ish) oblige because I don't work - have no kids at home - and generally have a lovely life...)

Honestly I can be stacking the dishwasher and he'll shout "fancy a shag". Not right now no urgh

Omg, I’m dying! That would have me leaping to immediately rip off all my clothes. Not!

Nailed that look

No man could resist! 😂

Seriously, tho, I think you do need to tell him what @FizzyGreenWater says. As you say, just ugh.

Its when they don't get the message even when being told . I feel like I live with benny hill sometimes and there is NOTHING more annoying than when you are doing some mundane task like loading dishwasher and they tweak your boobs or bum and then get all uptight when you don't find it a turn on.Usual excuse - you should like it because it should be flattering that they still fancy you. FGS

@SusieOwl4 are you having an affair with my husband? 😂

@BoomBoomsCousin that's really insightful actually. Sex isn't top of the agenda at the minute and I probably need to spend some time thinking about what I actually want. (Beyond a babysitter who will do the night feeds, a personal trainer to suck me back in and a housekeeper to sort this shit hole out!)

I don't even find it funny tbh OP- your DH doesn't respect you and is misogynistic and rude- what is the attraction (if there is any left). It would be a cold day in hell before I would sit there and vaguely tolerate a man speaking to me that way .

I'd tell him it stops now, as do any laughable fantasies he harbours where women get spoken to like shit, and are desperate for a disappointing 'go' with a cock they likely think is pretty ineffective.

A lifetime of this OP? Think of your self esteem

My DP used to act like this, and still does on occasion. I actually think it's a kind of power play rather than an genuine attempt at getting sex. They know they will get turned down if they use this sort of crude language, and that allows them to be all 'poor me' about it and make out that you are the unreasonable one for not responding to their 'effort'. It's gaslighting designed to make you feel guilty imo. That way they don't have to think about the real reasons behind their partners lack of desire, which in most cases is that they are lazy immature manchildren.

''suck me back in''

Quote Stralingsinsummer. "When I was 17, I was in bed with a guy I’d had a crush on for four years, and he asked me if I wanted a beef injection. I got dressed and went home, illusions shattered! He was 18 at the time, you’d think a 37 year old would no better".

lMAO. Just spat coffee all over the keyboard laughing at that.