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AIBU?

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Original poster

DHs texts making me uncomfortable

165 replies

legalseagull · 01/10/2019 16:03

Two children under two. Youngest 6 months. Admittedly sex life isn't the best but not awful either. DH always had a higher drive. Problem is he puts absolutely no effort in at all to get me in the mood. For example the other night I was complaining about how tired I was (Youngest not sleeping through yet). I said I was going for an early night. Stood up to go and he randomly says "do you want my cock". Like, WTF is that?! It's like a half arsed stab at getting sex. Like something a builder would shout at a passing woman to harass her.
Today we're texting about the kids and he completely randomly says "I'd love a go on you". It's just so out of context and bizarre. I suppose he thinks it's sexy but it pisses me right off. He's like a pervy bloke on online dating. I half expect a random cockshot. It makes me feel really disrespected and pestered. He thinks I'm being a bore. AIBU

OP posts:
TheChampagneGalop · 01/10/2019 17:23

Did he use to be respectful and actually put effort in your sex life in the past, OP?

ChilledBee · 01/10/2019 17:24

I agree that he is crass. However, I improved my relationship/sex life by letting go of the idea of my husband having to "get me in the mood". Some of that stemmed from the fact I was on SSRIs and had little independent sex drive but it was also something I was conditioned to believe. Men seduce women who weren't even thinking about sex until he wooed her. Of course I would become aroused once he did things to set the mood or get me warmed up but I'd never just "fancy a bit" and maybe initiate. It become gruelling for hubby in the end and addressing my beliefs about sex and its role in a relationship plus coming off of SSRIs (appropriate for me at that time) helped tremendously.

SherbetSaucer · 01/10/2019 17:27

That kind of approach works for me but only because I enjoy the power exchange and have a bit of a kink for dominant men (the sexy kind not the abusive ones) so it takes all sorts but my DH is the only one who is allowed to speak to me that way and only because it’s been negotiated in advance.

If we split up and a guy I was seeing took your DH’s approach I’d tell him only person he’s fucking for the foreseeable future is himself!

TheChampagneGalop · 01/10/2019 17:27

I actually think it's a kind of power play rather than an genuine attempt at getting sex.

Good point Rushian
I keep seeing posts from women where the man will pester them at the unsexiest time possible, like when they are washing dishes or feeding the baby. So it could be true for some at least.

SherbetSaucer · 01/10/2019 17:28

I improved my relationship/sex life by letting go of the idea of my husband having to "get me in the mood

Couldn’t agree more with this!

Jellybeansincognito · 01/10/2019 17:31

Yanbu. Massive turn off for me too!

Original poster
legalseagull · 01/10/2019 17:34

@ChilledBee how did you fix it then?

OP posts:
ChilledBee · 01/10/2019 17:35

For me, I came off of SSRIs and tried to "explore my sexuality" a bit more to find out what I was into and how I could express that. I did that through porn basically (literature and film).

SoupDragon · 01/10/2019 17:37

I feel like I live with benny hill sometimes and there is NOTHING more annoying than when you are doing some mundane task like loading dishwasher and they tweak your boobs or bum and then get all uptight when you don't find it a turn on.

Or standing behind you when you're bent over stacking the dishwasher and humping like a randy Labrador.

TheChampagneGalop · 01/10/2019 17:37

I improved my relationship/sex life by letting go of the idea of my husband having to "get me in the mood"

How do you mean? Do you mean for example that you will always take the first step or just accept getting harassed like OP while doing the dishes?

Original poster
legalseagull · 01/10/2019 17:39

Careful @ChilledBee you'll be burned at the stake for admitting that! Glad it worked for you

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 01/10/2019 17:40

"Problem is he puts absolutely no effort in at all to get me in the mood."
Have you spelled this out to him?

I'd be putting a child's sticker chart on the fridge door Grin. Sad face sticker every time he does something like this. More than ?? in one week and sex will absolutely not happen for the next month seven days, even if you fancy it. Smiley stickers for him putting in effort. (Obviously I'm not serious, but his behaviour is so infantile, it sprang to mind.)

SherbetSaucer · 01/10/2019 17:40

Careful @ChilledBee you'll be burned at the stake for admitting that! Glad it worked for you

Not by me! I’m Team Chilled Bee! 😂

tisonlymeagain · 01/10/2019 17:41

I must be weird as I quite like getting "harassed" when I'm doing something mundane like emptying the dishwasher Confused I take it as a compliment that he finds me attractive and 9/10 it will end with dishes abandoned...and I'm just as guilty of harassing him at times. I'd also not take offence to him sending me a message like that. Depending on my mood I'd either engage with a bit of banter (tends to be like pre-foreplay) or he'd get a middle finger emoji and told to dream on.

BUT...

That's my relationship and if you don't like it, you should speak up and tell him that doesn't work for you. He should really know that by now anyhow but he's probably just trying it on and hoping it gets him somewhere. If you think it's weird and makes you uncomfortable, tell him to stop.

ChilledBee · 01/10/2019 17:44

@thechampagnegalop

Neither???

I accepted that my husband feels frustrated by having to "take me" from 0 to 10 every time he wants to meet what is a legitimate need from his partner and if I wanted him to feel happy and content with our marriage, that couldn't be our norm. He had some accepting to do, I'm sure. It wasn't all me just giving. It was a case of us both coming to understand the other's PoV and that making it easier to find a happy medium. That meant on my part, doing a bit of sexual exploration and pushing my comfort zone was fun and exciting rather than something plagued with pressure and fear of loss.

Novembersbean · 01/10/2019 17:46

Haha I know what you mean it's not very attractive. I have some sympathy as I think having a baby can really lower your sex drive and the man who's sex drive won't have changed just don't know what to do and how to get the connection they feel they need and were used to. They feel rejected and embarrassed and resort to being jokey about sex as a result.

Would you be more responsive if he was more romantic? I have asked my partner in the past to be a bit more romantic in how he approaches me as it would create a better mood, but I can see why he would give up if you were never responsive when he tried. You need to try and connect with each others needs.

SherbetSaucer · 01/10/2019 17:46

You sound awesome @ChilledBee and seem to have a relationship built on realism!

Bahhhhhumbug · 01/10/2019 17:48

Yanbu but my DH is a skilled tradesman in the building trade which most people collectively call 'builders'.
I know many of his colleagues and him well obviously and they really hate that generalisation. There are horrible leering or cat calling men in any industry, whether it be a large office, a warehouse or a building site.

Mitzicoco · 01/10/2019 17:48

Yuck. He doesn't seem to respect you

LagunaBubbles · 01/10/2019 17:48

OpiesOldLady

He sounds like a right cocklodger!

Eh? Do you know what a cocklodger is? Confused

RhinoskinhaveI · 01/10/2019 17:50

the man will pester them at the unsexiest time possible, like when they are washing dishes or feeding the baby
I think it's because he sees her performing her chores/women's work and that puts him in mind of the other 'chore' that she performs, that of assisting him with his bodily functions, ie facilitating his ejaculation.

The fact that she doesnt feel aroused is not relevant, sex is something that he expects her to provide for him and on his terms

ChilledBee · 01/10/2019 17:50

Therapy helped us tremendously. We were together for a good while before marriage but didn't live together until after marriage. It was mostly logistics that made it that way but when it got close to the wedding and we hadn't moved in, we thought it would be "fun" if we did it the old fashioned way where we moved in after our honeymoon. The reality was that we had separate finances and although we spent nearly every night together, we were still awfully shielded from the realities of formally sharing everything. Within 3 months, we were at breaking point. Therapy saved us.

Niyamamama · 01/10/2019 17:53

My DP used to act like this, and still does on occasion. I actually think it's a kind of power play rather than an genuine attempt at getting sex. They know they will get turned down if they use this sort of crude language, and that allows them to be all 'poor me' about it and make out that you are the unreasonable one for not responding to their 'effort'. It's gaslighting designed to make you feel guilty imo. That way they don't have to think about the real reasons behind their partners lack of desire, which in most cases is that they are lazy immature manchildren.

Excellent post

KellyHall · 01/10/2019 17:53

I'm so glad I read this - I am the female version of your husband and I never realised how awful I might have seemed!

Since having dd, and especially since I went back to work, we're both so exhausted that I don't think either of us can be bothered with getting each other in the mood. My husband's drive has always been lower than mine anyway so he'll happily just go without and although I sometimes really want it, sometimes the best foreplay I can manage is playfully (I thought) humping his leg 🤣

And I wondered why he didn't reciprocate!

katseyes7 · 01/10/2019 17:55

SusieOwl4 Are you married to my ex husband?

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