Inheritance etiquette - am I missing something here?

[ihavenamechanged123]

I have name changed for this as have been outed on here previously.

I have just inherited £12k from my late fathers estate - he died suddenly and tragically 8 years ago. Prior to his death, myself, DSis & DM had not seen or spoken to him for 8.5 years. He enabled and allowed the abuse of both my DSis and I throughout our childhood until I plucked up the courage to tell my DM. She then divorced him and moved us to a different city nearer her family.

When news of the money came to light, I originally said I didn't want it. To me, it felt like dirty money. I feel really uncomfortable about having it and being in contact with solicitors etc has brought on flashbacks & nightmares. DM & DSis convinced me to accept on behalf of my DD, who is due next month.

Bar mortgage and car, we have no CCs/debts etc and yes, money will be tight with me on mat leave but we have no looming worries so decided to put 10k in a trust fund for DD when she gets here, 1k will go to the charity that helped my DSis and I and 1k go towards our "mat leave pot". DH is completely on board with all of this and feels similarly to me about accepting it.

MIL has just popped over with something for DH. She asked if the money had gone in yet and "how excited I must be." She knows the back story. I reiterated that I felt reluctant to accept and that I will be keeping the majority aside for DD. Roll on a 10 minute rant about how if she inherited that money, she would ensure all of her family are looked after and would treat everyone to a holiday of a lifetime and how no one knew the money was there so technically it's not really mine

So my question is, AIBU to keep this money for DD or considering I didn't want it in the first place, should I be donating to family members (ie her) or spending it on a family holiday for example not that I'd want to go on holiday with MIL, a 15 min coffee is long enough?
In a nutshell, WWYD in this situation?

OP I worked for a charity which provides post abuse sex abuse therapy for dc and non abusing carers. I know that many families feel conflicted about accepting the criminal compensation money and that doesn't even come from the perpetrators or associates. You are certainly not alone in finding this a difficult issue.

It is always best not to talk about inheritance to anyone if possible. It leads to bad feeling and jealousy.

Don’t tell anyone else and do what YOU want with it

yeh,shes a tit.sorry.
do what you want with the money.though pp on more than one children pot was a smart thought.
sorry it had to come to you this way.but its yours now so wipe his name from it and just know you now own that amount.
no guilt,no right thing to do. you sound like your being really smart with it.
and if things do get a bit trciky through mat leave then dont feel bad about needing some of it either.
its a lovely amount to have just think of it as that.nothing to do with your dad just a nice little amount to have thats your and your familys.
mil can bugger ff frankly and i wouldnt be going anywher with her if this is her usual behavior towards you.

I am so pleased OP, that you have decided to make good use of the money instead of wasting it which is the easiest thing you could do!

Urgh she can fuck right off

urgh your MIL sounds like a delight...

It’s your money - no one’s business what you do with it. Sounds like you’re planning on being very generous, good for you.

DH inherited half a house, I don't think we directly spent any of it on holidays etc, just paid down the mortgage. No one in the family asked how we spent it or expected any. You mil is a CF.

Open up isa.
Perhaps stocks and shares isa with your 20 grand allowance and save in there for dd due and dc who may appear in future.
You keep control of it this way anyway for uni etc.
Also you have something to pull on in case if emergency.

You have done right thing op it will benefit you all later to have this money cushion for your dc..

I wouldn’t be telling your mil anything of great significance in future. She didn’t need to know about this and she’s just caused you upset. Just don’t tell her stuff.

I would suggest you don't share quite so much personal information with your MIL who sounds a total nightmare. I wouldn't be surprised is she has passed on all her wisdom about your unborn child.

Your plan sounds perfect and if you change your mind and do something else, it will still be perfect. That's because it is your plan, your money, your choice.

@cherrysoup we're on the same wave length!!!

Keep the money for your dc dont feel guilty, MlL can F off!

You can tell MIL that you too are ensuring your family is 'looked after' by saving the majority for the future. Kids are expensive beings and when they grow up they may want to go to uni, buy a car, a house, or get married. That money doesn't grow on trees, so any investment now is a good one. As another pp said though, think about whether you will enlarge your family in time and consider saving it in a way that you can share it between all DCs. Alternatively, put it in premium bonds and get a little return on the money.

I don't think you should've discussed this with your MIL at all, family finances are private. She really has no business commenting.

To be honest I don't know what I would do in your shoes OP but I'd like to think I'd do what you have done. What I definitely would do from now on is tell your MIL nothing about your financial situation or anything else she is likely to judge. She's a horror. Good luck with your baby and I hope you have a lovely birth.

Definitely spend HOW YOU see fit. My only suggestion is if you plan to have more children and you have the money in you DD name I don't know if you can split it??

Your MIL sounds absolutely awful (and ridiculous). It's nothing to do with her, and she should keep her idiotic opinions to herself. I'd ignore her and do what I wanted.

In fact, if I changed my mind and decided to spend some of it on myself or my family, I'd make a point of leaving her out.

I was in exactly the same position when I was 5 months pregnant with DD1. Once I got over the initial "dirtiness" of it I decided to use it to extend my maternity leave and be the mother I always wanted to be.

Oh my god, I am truly shocked by this.
Insensitive doesn’t cover it. What a crass woman. I realise this is not what you asked but I’d have trouble ever seeing her again. You must be immensely grounded and level headed.
But of course you are right to do whatever you see fit with the money, and totallycut MIL out of the loop with any other news or information about your life.
I’m so angry on your behalf.

Money come in and decency goes out the window. I went through hell with family fighting over my mothers money and I too felt like you I wanted to burn the lot of it tbh!! Instead I put the money to good, got a new car and spent it on my kids and husband. It is your inheritance you spend it as you see fit and don't give the old witch a penny!!

Just put in a high interest account and see how you feel in a few months. Tell mil you are spending it on therapy because your dad was useless parent. That should shut her up, and might not be a bad idea.
£12k is not a huge amount to have for a rainy day, lucky to have it maybe, but could soon be used up if redundant or sick, need new roof, car or boiler. It's your money, you are more than entitled to it. She can butt out. You sound very sensible, hope you can enjoy it or the bit of security it brings

I think what you’ve suggested is a great idea. You see lots of people feeling guilty about not saving money for their DC so this is a great start.
Also agree that 12k on a family holiday of a lifetime for 7 will not get you far! Never mind ‘look after’ the whole family!

Your MIL has the empathy of a charging rhino. How dare she?

You have made extremely sensible decisions about the money.

So sorry this has brought raw wounds to the surface

The thing is, there are children’s accounts that pay high interest. But I don’t know if you can add a second child’s name to the account in due course.