Inheritance etiquette - am I missing something here?

[ihavenamechanged123]

I have name changed for this as have been outed on here previously.

I have just inherited £12k from my late fathers estate - he died suddenly and tragically 8 years ago. Prior to his death, myself, DSis & DM had not seen or spoken to him for 8.5 years. He enabled and allowed the abuse of both my DSis and I throughout our childhood until I plucked up the courage to tell my DM. She then divorced him and moved us to a different city nearer her family.

When news of the money came to light, I originally said I didn't want it. To me, it felt like dirty money. I feel really uncomfortable about having it and being in contact with solicitors etc has brought on flashbacks & nightmares. DM & DSis convinced me to accept on behalf of my DD, who is due next month.

Bar mortgage and car, we have no CCs/debts etc and yes, money will be tight with me on mat leave but we have no looming worries so decided to put 10k in a trust fund for DD when she gets here, 1k will go to the charity that helped my DSis and I and 1k go towards our "mat leave pot". DH is completely on board with all of this and feels similarly to me about accepting it.

MIL has just popped over with something for DH. She asked if the money had gone in yet and "how excited I must be." She knows the back story. I reiterated that I felt reluctant to accept and that I will be keeping the majority aside for DD. Roll on a 10 minute rant about how if she inherited that money, she would ensure all of her family are looked after and would treat everyone to a holiday of a lifetime and how no one knew the money was there so technically it's not really mine

So my question is, AIBU to keep this money for DD or considering I didn't want it in the first place, should I be donating to family members (ie her) or spending it on a family holiday for example not that I'd want to go on holiday with MIL, a 15 min coffee is long enough?
In a nutshell, WWYD in this situation?

12K isn't a huge amount. If you did what MIL suggests it would be spent in the blink of an eye, with very little benefit to you, and I suspect, very little gratitude from the people it was frittered away on.
Stick to your own plans for the money.

When MIL inherits some money then she can do whatever she wants with it, but she can't tell you what to do with your money!

MIL I mean*

She is out of order. Do what feels right and dd is the best way imo

MIL is a grasping cow, inheritances and windfalls bring out the absolute worst in people.
I wouldn't want the money either and I think you do right giving the majority of it to your daughter.
If she brings it up again I'd tell her straight that mentioning it is bringing up bad memories of abuse and she needs to cut it out. That will shut her up.
8 Years after death though is a long time for you to get an inheritance.

This is your money and nothing at all to do with your money grabbing MIL. Lets face it if you were going to use it for a 'holiday of a lifetime' you would more likely take your DM and your DSis than any in laws.

You are not being tight with the money, it is very generous to donate some of it to the charity that helped you and to invest the bulk of it for your future DCs future. I think you sound lovely and very grounded.

It is your money and if I were you I would just sit on it for a while.

I wouldn't personally do a proper trust fund for £10k as to make it worthwhile I was advised it needed to be for quite a lot more money than that. Also be careful about just doing it for your DD if you are expecting to have more children.

Just put it in an ISA for now.

Does she think you’ve actually won the lottery? How many family members is she planning to treat to a “holiday of a lifetime” with £12k? What a fool.

I think your plan sounds excellent.

There is no 'etiquette' about what to do with an inheritence, and what you're doing with it is absolutely fine.

Your MIL is nuts. But I don't know how she thinks you can 'look after all your family' and 'treat everyone to the holiday of a lifetime' on £12k. Does she think it's £12 million?

If you were feeling particularly benevolent, you could treat her to a £9.50 Sun Holiday.

I think you've done the right thing OP, and have heard similar from people in a similar situation to yours - they don't want anything from that person. Entirely understandable and your actions seem fine to me.

Ignore your MIL. She must be incredibly efficient with money if she can make 12K stretch as far as she thinks it will, though.

Agree with PP about not putting it all in one child's name straight away though.

How horrible, crass, nasty and tasteless of her.

Keep it well away and don’t even think of feeling guilty about it.

Who actually does that? Ugh.

Sorry but this made me laugh a bit! Just today I was laughing with a friend about how I'd been given some inheritance a couple of years ago (similar amount), and at the time I told a (different) friend and she said "Well if it was me I'd take all my friends on a massive holiday and pay for everything and just keep a little bit for myself."

It's ridiculous. I think your ways of using this money are perfect! Don't listen to Mil, she just wants a free holiday.

Btw, when you say 'trust fund' I don't think you actually mean that. They're heavily taxed and not the most efficient way of saving for children. They're more about reducing wealthy parents' visible assets.

Using you or DP's ISA allowance (if you're not both maxing them out already) and a fixed-term high-interest savings account would what I'd do.

One advantage of keeping the money in your name, is you decide what age the child is when you hand the money over e.g. it could be 21 or 25 rather than 18 and you can decide that closer to the time.

Well you are looking after your family!

You've put some aside for your daughter & some aside for yourself & your husband!

I find my MIL hard to get on with-but if I came into 12k, she wouldn't have an opinion on what I should do with it, that's if she even knew about it!

I think she'd probably be horrified at the thought of 12k being "blown" & her being a part of it!

I would pay down the mortgage. Nice for children to have savings but I’d see that money as compensation and it wouldn’t feel like I was buying anything nice with it.

Then I put a bit aside every month for Dd.

It's none of her business. It's a shame that she has been told about the money.

What a strange woman she is!! Why does she think she has any "say" over your money??

Very very odd.

I bet she had already mentally spent it and so was miffed that you're not doing what she said. Is she opinionated usually?

I think this should be a warning to you and DH to not discuss financial matters with her in future.

What does your DH say about his mother?

I totally get how you feel about not wanting the money. I felt the same about compensation I was awarded due to abuse but I never got it anyway as the official receiver didn't do their job.

I would be very keen to ask your MIL why she feels she should, and could, benefit from you being abused.

100% your money to do as you wish, it is a bonus your dh agrees but it would be all your decision.

Giving it to your daughter is lovely but given how you feel about it I would never tell her where the money came from.

No way am I excusing your father however maybe he left it to you as an attempt at an apology.

Good luck with your pregnancy and I hope the birth goes well.

What a bizarre response from your MIl !
What you are doing sounds great, but whatever you want to do with it is fine. Your money, nothing whatsoever to do with a family pot for the wider family. Also you need to factor in, as you have done, a way of using this money that doesn’t add to your grief about what happened to you growing up.
Your MIl is being ridiculous, avaricious, and controlling. This is a private matter for you to decide on. Do not be influenced by her !

How awful for you. Ignore the cheeky bitch.

As a MIL, I'd be really pleased that my DIL was able to compartmentalise the pain and suffering at the hands of her Dad and instead plan towards the future for her child/children. The only sad aspect for me would be knowing I wouldn't be able to afford to give them any money myself whilst I'm alive.

I can't imagine on what planet I'd have to be thinking how I could get my grubby paws on it.

no one knew the money was there so technically it's not really mine

Technically, my arse.
YOU inherited it, nobody else, & your plans for it are already unselfish & aimed at your daughter's wellbeing.

Your MiL salivating over money left to you by someone who abused you as a child is more than unsavoury. She needs to understand that you already feel tainted by the money & are 'cleaning' it by allocating it to your DD.

Asking you to use it to pay for a holiday under the circumstances is ... something akin to pimping out your past. Sorry that is harsh, it is NOT meant to hurt you, but said in hopes that you can get this concept over to your MiL.

I am so glad your DH is on board. Don't waver, OP, & keep looking forward xx

Forget where the money came from... your memories will always be your memories with or without the money, so try to forget the money is from that source.

I think you also maybe thinking to quickly, by putting the money in trust for your DD, it's very selfless but I agree with others comments that you may have other children.

You may also need this money at a later date, for countless reasons.
It is your decision and yours alone, put in in a high interest account in your name only, and take some time.

Maybe have a chat with a financial advisor and find a good investment vehicle (maybe a Stocks and Shares ISA) that you can invest the money in for, say, 5 years. By then you’ll know if your family is going to expand and will be able to split it accordingly. Though watch who you choose as they might make a large dent in your £12k with their fees!

As for your MiL, I’d bring the shutters down. Don’t mention your inheritance again or any financial information and tell your partner not to share info with her. She sounds barking mad.

No, keep it and do what you feel it right with it, and if that's for your DD's benefit as and when you feel the time is right (if you use it in this way, it may benefit you as it'll take the pressure off when the time comes and you feel she'd really benefit).

Roll on a 10 minute rant about how if she inherited that money, she would ensure all of her family are looked after and would treat everyone to a holiday of a lifetime

On 12 grand?!?

She's one of these MNetters who can feed a family of eight on one chicken from now until Christmas, isn't she?

Maybe you could stretch to a one way ticket to Siberia for family harmony

Fantastic idea @Breathlessness

In all seriousness, some food for thought here re splitting the money between future children/savings. I don't really know much about ISAs/investments etc but it may be worth having a chat. A good friend of DHs is an FA, he may have some ideas.

The loose plan was to stick it in a savings account for DD, not necessarily in her name, and to transfer it to her name when she is 21, allowing us to use it to help her through uni/driving lessons etc. Obviously future children will have to be taken into account.

I genuinely don't know how I'm supposed to "look after" family members with 12k and if I was to use it towards a big family holiday, obviously we couldn't just take MIL/FIL, we'd have to include my DM & DSF... so that's 7 people including us and DD... that's not going to get very far...

DH is currently away on business, I'm sure he'll have a chat with her when he's home.

Thank you all for the lovely posts reaffirming that what I'm doing is ok. I've felt so much anguish over this, even accepting on DDs behalf does upset me although I know it's the right thing to do. It sickens me that something "belonging" to him is near me - if that makes sense?