Inheritance etiquette - am I missing something here?

[ihavenamechanged123]

I have name changed for this as have been outed on here previously.

I have just inherited £12k from my late fathers estate - he died suddenly and tragically 8 years ago. Prior to his death, myself, DSis & DM had not seen or spoken to him for 8.5 years. He enabled and allowed the abuse of both my DSis and I throughout our childhood until I plucked up the courage to tell my DM. She then divorced him and moved us to a different city nearer her family.

When news of the money came to light, I originally said I didn't want it. To me, it felt like dirty money. I feel really uncomfortable about having it and being in contact with solicitors etc has brought on flashbacks & nightmares. DM & DSis convinced me to accept on behalf of my DD, who is due next month.

Bar mortgage and car, we have no CCs/debts etc and yes, money will be tight with me on mat leave but we have no looming worries so decided to put 10k in a trust fund for DD when she gets here, 1k will go to the charity that helped my DSis and I and 1k go towards our "mat leave pot". DH is completely on board with all of this and feels similarly to me about accepting it.

MIL has just popped over with something for DH. She asked if the money had gone in yet and "how excited I must be." She knows the back story. I reiterated that I felt reluctant to accept and that I will be keeping the majority aside for DD. Roll on a 10 minute rant about how if she inherited that money, she would ensure all of her family are looked after and would treat everyone to a holiday of a lifetime and how no one knew the money was there so technically it's not really mine

So my question is, AIBU to keep this money for DD or considering I didn't want it in the first place, should I be donating to family members (ie her) or spending it on a family holiday for example not that I'd want to go on holiday with MIL, a 15 min coffee is long enough?
In a nutshell, WWYD in this situation?

I'm so sorry about your past, but charity begins at home, keep it for your dd.
Tell mil she's got a nerve. Sounds like she's made her mind up you are taking her on holiday, bet she's packing now

Your MIL needs two lessons

1. keeping opinions to herself in situations that have nothing to do with her And
2. investing for your dd’s Future is a much more responsible approach than spending the money on a single werk

She's one of these MNetters who can feed a family of eight on one chicken from now until Christmas, isn't she?
I actually laughed out loud at this... thank you @LisaRoundTheMulberryBush

Keep it for your child. Seriously. It’s the single best thing you could do with it. People are assholes when it comes to money. Don’t fall for the guilt trip.

I think the point is regardless of the issue that has absolutely nothing to do with her MIL needs to not express and opinion.

Its your money to do with as you see fit.

And as to her comments, I'd make sure my family were ok financially, its 12k NOT 1.2 million!

I get you totally. Do with it exactly what you want

Your MIL is grasping, greedy and bitter. How can she begrudge your DD having money invested for her future. You can be absolutely certain that if she came into money she wouldn't share a penny with anyone else!

Do your best to put her out of your mind. She's not worth your energy.

Your MIL is barking 12k isn’t going to sort the family out!

However, 10k plus 18/20 years worth interest plus anything you can put in over time will make a very nice nest egg for your future child/children to help them with university/house deposit, etc

You're not being tight. Investing the windfall for your DD's benefit is a lovely, generous thing to do.

You're not being tight. Investing the windfall for your DD's benefit is a lovely, generous thing to do.

Exactly and more than being generous physically it is being generous emotionally because you are prepared to accept the trauma of accepting the money to benefit your dd.

Your MIL isn't showing any understanding if she doesn't realize that you wouldn't enjoy any holiday that came from this money source.

Focus on the fact you are protecting and caring for your dd in a way that you sadly weren't.

Put it in an account without instant access (that is what you tell MIL)

You will get comfort from knowing you have a £10,000 safety net and knowing you will be able to afford some essentials for your children in the future. Keep it unamed if you will split it with future children.

While £12k is a lot of money, if you are talking dream holidays, I dont think it will go very far if you have to take the extended family!

Given the circumstances with your father, MIL is being very insensitive to even ask. I would do exactly what you are doing if I had £12k. You are certainly not breaking any conventions I think it is very unusual for people to ask for a share in this way.

It’s none of her business. £12k doesn’t go far, certainly not a holiday of a lifetime for extended family!

You are 100% doing the right thing ! Money aside for the DD is amazing and will provide her a really good start. Mat leave money will help you so much and giving back to the charity that helped you is amazing of you.

Do not let MIL tell you otherwise you are doing the best thing and not wasting a penny x

What you are doing is fine! It's your money. I'd personally pay it into the mortgage and then save for your children. I put it into an overpayment calculator and on my mortgage, paying £12k off now as a lump sum would save almost £16k of interest and I'd be mortgage free 5 years earlier allowing plenty of time to save the same amount again to help my children.

MIL is extremely thick.

No further advice.

Oh sorry, ignore my calculations, I overpay already monthly and it included that. So not quite as much as that! Would still get good financial advice though.

*Exactly and more than being generous physically it is being generous emotionally because you are prepared to accept the trauma of accepting the money to benefit your dd.

Your MIL isn't showing any understanding if she doesn't realize that you wouldn't enjoy any holiday that came from this money source.

Focus on the fact you are protecting and caring for your dd in a way that you sadly weren't.*

@pumkinspicetime this, in a nutshell. Thank you

None of her business. It is a pity she knows about it. What you suggest sounds perfect. Sorry you were abused but now you have dh and soon a dc so try to keep it in your past and move forward with it behind you. Keep the money for dd but I understand how you might not enjoy spending it.

Practical advice - look up ISAs on Money Saving Expert.

I totally agree with your general idea but would just suggest you check that you can put the 10k in a savings account / ISA with higher interest than you're paying on your mortgage. Otherwise it might be better to do what a pp suggested and pay 10k off your mortgage and, with your higher disposable income each month, pay something monthly into an account for your dd?

And obvs MIL can go jump!

A friend of mine had a similar lost touch circumstance inherited money situation, and, as the money wasn't expected she kept back money for a rainy day/boiler blowing up/car dying fund, and the rest is invested in more risky but aiming for growth type stocks and shares ISAs etc (she went to an IFA) and invested it on the basis she has nothing to loose as it wasn't her money anyway and actually when she last looked it had grown quite well such that it will most probably pay the majority of Uni costs for her kids when that time comes around.
But do agree invest for any kids you might have. Not just the one you're getting shortly if you will have more.

Good point re mortgage. But if you do that, set up a direct debit, so the money goes almost before you know you have it, as it would for the mortgage payment.

You are totally doing the right thing. Hst could be the difference between buying and renting for your daughter in the future (for a few years at least). Your MiL is jealous (which is horrible given the backstory of the money) and rude. And PP are right 12k might not actually go that far if you have a sizeable family and wanted everyone to go on the same holiday. What does your husband say about her? I would stop telling her details like this as she will only use it against you. Even if you got on with her well its quite a personal thing to share

Ignore her. CFer! She says anything else you just say, 'That's nice, MIL' and let it roll right off you.

@pumpkinspice time put it brilliantly.

In terms of inheritance etiquette- if and when your MIL inherits money, she can spend HER money however she likes. She doesn't get to spend yours.