Inheritance etiquette - am I missing something here?

[ihavenamechanged123]

I have name changed for this as have been outed on here previously.

I have just inherited £12k from my late fathers estate - he died suddenly and tragically 8 years ago. Prior to his death, myself, DSis & DM had not seen or spoken to him for 8.5 years. He enabled and allowed the abuse of both my DSis and I throughout our childhood until I plucked up the courage to tell my DM. She then divorced him and moved us to a different city nearer her family.

When news of the money came to light, I originally said I didn't want it. To me, it felt like dirty money. I feel really uncomfortable about having it and being in contact with solicitors etc has brought on flashbacks & nightmares. DM & DSis convinced me to accept on behalf of my DD, who is due next month.

Bar mortgage and car, we have no CCs/debts etc and yes, money will be tight with me on mat leave but we have no looming worries so decided to put 10k in a trust fund for DD when she gets here, 1k will go to the charity that helped my DSis and I and 1k go towards our "mat leave pot". DH is completely on board with all of this and feels similarly to me about accepting it.

MIL has just popped over with something for DH. She asked if the money had gone in yet and "how excited I must be." She knows the back story. I reiterated that I felt reluctant to accept and that I will be keeping the majority aside for DD. Roll on a 10 minute rant about how if she inherited that money, she would ensure all of her family are looked after and would treat everyone to a holiday of a lifetime and how no one knew the money was there so technically it's not really mine

So my question is, AIBU to keep this money for DD or considering I didn't want it in the first place, should I be donating to family members (ie her) or spending it on a family holiday for example not that I'd want to go on holiday with MIL, a 15 min coffee is long enough?
In a nutshell, WWYD in this situation?

Do the things you want to do, and roll your eyes when your MIL starts. Your thinking is sound but even if it wasn't, it's your money, do as you like.

You have made very sensible, well reasoned decisions about the money and it is none of your MIL's business. Ignore what she says she would have done, she just hoped for a free holiday i expect.

If I didn't want the money to be on my mind, I'd hide it somewhere I couldn't see it, such as paying down the mortgage.

Setting up an account for a child that only has this money, or was only started because of it, means the account will always be a reminder of where it came from.

The mortgage idea is sensible and is worth considering but honestly, the thought of looking at my house and knowing that in some way he has contributed to helping me own my home makes me feel really uncomfortable, hence why I didn't want to accept it in the first place.

The money being DDs/future children is some sort of compromise as I know that it will be a huge benefit to her/them.

I love your sisters solution, that may be the way I dealt with 'dirty' money. Yours sounds like a perfect way for you.

Your MIL is crass to even mention it let alone rant for 10 minutes.

Op, have you thought of buying premium bonds with the money? Leave it in the draw for a period of time and then withdraw it. That way it will be "new money" and can be reinvested for your DD/DC.

I’m shocked at your MIL’s behaviour!

This is not on. I would have asked her to leave. Even not knowing the back story she should have not brought up you being excited to receive this money.

Further. It’s not really much money to put towards anything substantial.

I can’t believe your POS MIL was trying to wrangle a holiday. As if you would want to go on holiday with her ever!!!!

She's cheeky. Especially when you've explained the back story to her. I think what you're doing is fine. Keep it for DD.

What would I have done. If she knew the back story I would have told her to fuck off and don’t bother coming back until she can understand how offensive and grabby she is.

I would be telling my dh that I’m having nothing to do with his mother until she accepts how wrong she was and makes a full genuine apology.

Keep it for your daughter (or any other children you may have), or keep £10,000 for her and spend the remaining two grand on others if you don't want it yourself. I think that is what I would do.

It's no one else's business, pity you told your mother in law really but what's done is done.

A sad story and I do understand your dilemma - but money is money and is always useful for something.

Tell her that your priority in using the money will be for your daughter's benefit and that's how you think parents should behave to their children.

Does mil know the anount

Yes if£100k + then maybe a nice family holiday

But £12k wouldn’t buy much for lots of the family

Saving for your child /ren makes sense

And lovely donating some to charity Make sure gift aid it

the first rule of inheritances is that at least one person will nearly always act the over some perceived unfairness or other. this person may even be you on occasion. OP shouldn't feel at all hurt or upset by MIL's suggestion but, equally, should't give this suggestion a moment's thought, investing the money for daughter to spend when she 'comes of age' or whatever sounds like an excellent idea.

Your MIL is a CF. I completely agree with what Pumpkin Spice said

As your DSIS is doing exactly what she wants with her share of the inheritance, (and good for her too) is your DM not having a go at her as well?
I think it's great that you and your DSIS are both able to use this money in ways that you have decided are best for you.
It sounds a very healthy way to deal with the difficult circumstances in which you received the funds and if your DM was any kind of a mother she'd be happy for you.

Your father left the money to you, so it’s up to you to decide what to do with it. Your mil has no claims on it at all. It’s not even from her side of the family!

Sounds like someone’s been flicking through holiday brochures!.

I understand how you feel OP - I've dealt with people in the past who have received significant insurance payouts on the death of a parent and have found having the money quite painful because of the negative feelings it engenders.

I would strongly suggest just hanging on to it for a bit, (other than the charitable donation) partly to get used to the idea that it is there and also in case you find yourself a bit shorter than you expect over ML. There is no need to rush into dealing with it, although I understand that you probably just don't want to own it yourself.

I would have done exactly the same thing as you! It's a really good decision and your MIL sounds money grabbing.

It's not her business what you do with the money.

Lol, she is a money grabbing MIL.

The memories you have will always be there, think of your DD in later years this may help towards driving lessons, towards university or a number of other things .

Your existing plan is perfectly sensible, with the planned alterations to take into account possible future siblings for your imminent baby. Your MIL is perfectly bonkers to even hint that the cash might be spread around or blown on luxuries instead.

@Tartyflette it wasn't my DM, it was MIL, who has suggested the holiday etc.

@Blondeshavemorefun yes, MIL is aware of how much it is.

I'm glad it's not just me that feels resentful/upset/confused(?) about receiving money like this. I feel like it's ripped open a wound that I've worked so hard to heal.

It's really important to me that DD/future children have the money because, IMO, he royally fucked up at being a father and I don't want anything to do with him, alive or dead, however if this little bit of money is his way of being a good grandfather, then so be it.
It's also important that some of it goes towards the charity because they literally saved my life and I'm forever grateful to them.

£1k to your mat leave fund doesn’t seem like much. Why not stick two fingers up at your dad by having a fab year with DD and maybe even an extra 6 months using the money. You could just give her £1k to start off her trust fund and put her child benefit aside. That’s what i’d Do as you never get those early years back.

Yanbu.
It's only £12k. Hardly going to buy a family holiday of a lifetime is it!
Charity and your DD is a good use for it.

I'd make a point of not discussing finances with her in future. She'll probably want a loan next week.