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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask why anyone would get married or live with someone?

150 replies

Moremoneyplease · 30/09/2019 09:51

The more I read on MN, the more I genuinely wonder why we're all compelled to form relationships and move in with one another/get married. There are so many posts talking about husbands/partners not helping out or bullying/controlling/belittling women.

I have daughters and I worry about the relationships they may form as adults. I have tried to bring them up to be confident and able to stand up for themselves, but even when a man seems perfectly lovely for the first few years, behaviour often seems to change when children come along.

So how can any woman be sure that she has picked well??

OP posts:

FunOnTheBeach20 · 30/09/2019 09:53

My DH is fantastic. For all his faults, I love being his wife and parenting with him. I like living with him too. You only hear the bad stories!

riotlady · 30/09/2019 09:55

I like living with my partner. He cooks my tea and kills spiders for me (rarely simultaneously)

Tilltheendoftheline · 30/09/2019 09:56

You realise mn isnt every relationship though, don't you.

No one posts here about their great relationships, or at least not as much.

My exh was abusive and mn helped me leave. I rarely post about about my now dp, because there isnt any advice I need.

For every thread about a bad relationship, here on mn, lots of people are in perfectly normal and healthy relationships.

It's not just about bringing going your dds up confident. It's about teaching them to spot the early signs.

Alot of times in relationships, the man hasnt been decent for years then turned. Alot of time there have been red flags along the way that didnt seem a big issue. But then once it becomes clear its abuse, you cant believe you ignored the early warning signs

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 30/09/2019 09:56

So how can any woman be sure that she has picked well??

She can't be, same as any man can't be sure he has picked well. I was married for a long time, and can't imagine right now living with a man again but I hope one day I feel differently as I don't really want to leap into my twilight years surrounded by just my cats. People want different things out of life, and I think personally the love/companionship of a partner is more fulfilling than the love/companionship of a friend. If you pick the right partner of course. But how can we be sure, we can't be. We can be cautious as possible but ultimately you don't really know someone properly until you live with them.

WhimToo · 30/09/2019 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bouffalant · 30/09/2019 09:57

My DP is mostly lovely. He leaves his socks and pants on the floor, but he gives me back rubs, tells me I'm beautiful, and tells me how grateful his is to have me all the time.

Prettypumpkin · 30/09/2019 09:57

My husband and I weren't really bothered about getting married but mumsnet taught me that as a woman who priorities her children and their care over any kind of career marriage is important. If my girls were like me I'd encourage marriage. Of course I'd encourage them to have good jobs too. My husband is a great man and I've found someone who shares the same values as me, luckily that hasn't changed since we got married and had kids

WonderTweek · 30/09/2019 09:58

Agree with PP. People generally tend to post more when they want to vent and complain about things. When things are going well I don't go on the internet and post about it, but I love a good rant. I have been with my husband for 12 years and I love him dearly and we have such a good time together. I love being married to him and it's lovely knowing that we are a little team trying to navigate this life together. Of course there are ups and downs but that's only natural.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 30/09/2019 09:59

Some men are shits, some women are shits. Women come here for help and advice when their man is being a shit. Nobody's going to come on here and say "please help my husband is being kind and helpful and is a wonderful father. What do I do?" are they?

It's like the news. There's rarely good news reported, it doesn't mean the world is full of shitty people.

missmouse101 · 30/09/2019 10:02

I agree OP. Even if you've got a decent man like my husband, I find it exhausting living with other people, accommodating their habits, noise, choices, mess and twattery. I detest not having my space, my bed to myself, my privacy and my house just how I want it. I bought into the perpetuated fantasy and now I regret it.

catspyjamas123 · 30/09/2019 10:03

I’m afraid I can’t see any benefits in marriage. I was married for 22 years and recently divorced. This man used me and mistreated the children (as I have found out since he left). I have had to pay out my life savings to get rid of him. Our “joint assets” in theory but I earned most and did most around the house and with kids. At least I have now removed the parasite. He has told the kids he only married me for my money. Charming.

Marriage is a hazard for 21st century women. We are not chattels any more and we don’t need this relationship.

I do distantly remember being young and in love and what a wonderful feeling that was. But now I am old and jaded and can’t see the point of what is basically a huge financial risk.

WhatdoImean · 30/09/2019 10:04

I would suggest that all the stories you read here are here to be read specifically because they are abnormal. i.e. it is a self-selecting group.

There are lots of successful relationships/partnerships/marriages that you simply do not hear about because they are unremarkable.

There are always relationships with issues; I do not know one that has not had issues. Personally, for me, it is a measure of a relationship how you deal with them. That said, there is no single perfect model - some prefer a partnership, some prefer one partner in charge, the other more supportive, some prefer completely merging finances, others separate. All I can say is a) I have a happy relationship b) most of my friends seem to have happy relationships (though no-one really knows what is happening inside, I accept) and c) people change over time.

The latter one is important to consider - people age, their expectations (and interests) may shift, their physical involvement with each other may increase/decrease.

...But - for me!! - I cannot imagine living without my partner. Truly, I cannot. I thank the universe that we met and has (I think) similar feelings for me.

Long winded but - yes partnerships/marriages can be incredibly supportive, BUT they can be destructive if either (or both) use the trust required for a relationship to work, in an abusive manner

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 30/09/2019 10:05

My DP is a good ‘un. He drives me bonkers sometimes but he’s a good bloke, pulls his weight and is fun to be with. He seems to be a rare breed though.

Original poster

Moremoneyplease · 30/09/2019 10:06

I get that people don't come on MN to say how well their relationships are going. But out of 8 or so friends that I know well enough to confide in each other, I can only think of 2 who are really happy with their partners. The others seem to snipe at each other, argue or disagree on things all the time. And so many of the blokes I know think it's absolutely fine to put their partners down in public. Then say 'only joking' if they're picked up on it. It's exhausting!

OP posts:

MashedSpud · 30/09/2019 10:06

When people are venting on mn about their partners it’s a bit smug for people to gush about theirs. That’s probably why you’re getting a more negative experience.

I love being married to and living with my DH. We still enjoy each other’s company after 19 years of marriage.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/09/2019 10:07

Because I wanted someone live-in who I didn't have to pay who could change nappies and empty the bins.

Actionhasmagic · 30/09/2019 10:07

I couldn’t live without my husband. He makes me laugh every day. But I have been in an abusive relationship in the past. It took me years to get out of it. Most people come and post on here to get advice as they need help and have no where to turn to. When you’re happy in life there’s no need to come on here and post about your relationship.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/09/2019 10:10

But out of 8 or so friends that I know well enough to confide in each other, I can only think of 2 who are really happy with their partners are the other 6 always unhappy or do their relationships just have ups and down. My friends marriage is complicated by the husbands mental wellbeing at times, and she's had to be quite firm with her expectations but they're happy most of the time, have a family together and enjoy each others companies. Love each other lots and wouldn't change it. But she's not always really happy. I think that's normal tbh

RaveOnThisCrazyFeeling · 30/09/2019 10:11

as a woman who priorities her children and their care over any kind of career...

All good parents prioritise their children and their care, prettypumpkin, including those who have careers .

I understand your point about why marriage was important for you and am not looking for a sahm/wohm argument, but "as a woman who prioritises her children and their care over any kind of career" is a particularly shitty way to say "as a woman who preferred to stay home with the children rather than pursue a career, and who was fortunate enough to have had the choice."

CheeseChipsMayo · 30/09/2019 10:14

You cant OP! I couldve written ur post myself,unlike you i dont think long term or co-habiting even needs to factor into it in2019&i think more&more people are wising up to the fact that most people compromise too much&receive too little in the transaction that is cohabiting.

Tilltheendoftheline · 30/09/2019 10:14

But out of 8 or so friends that I know well enough to confide in each other, I can only think of 2 who are really happy with their partners. The others seem to snipe at each other, argue or disagree on things all the time. And so many of the blokes I know think it's absolutely fine to put their partners down in public. Then say 'only joking' if they're picked up on it. It's exhausting!

But again some people love to moan. The couples that you know that bicker and snipe, could split up. But dont.

Or if you are with the type of bloke that likes to make public jokes at your expense, dont settle down with him. Or if he is a dick leave. Same with men.

Too many people stay in relationships that dont worn for top long.

But I have also noticed that some people do love to moan. They love to point out all the negatives in their life, with their partner etc. But dont talk about the positives.

Tilltheendoftheline · 30/09/2019 10:16

Oh and to add context, I adore do. He is great. I wont ever marry again.

That doesnt mean that's right for everyone else though

Thurmanmurman · 30/09/2019 10:16

You only hear about the bad relationships on here though OP. Nobody is going to post about how great their partner is and how they are a great dad, don’t cheat, aren’t abusive etc. People post their problems they don’t come on to say how great everything is.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 30/09/2019 10:17

Strange question. I assume that many women enjoy the dynamic of living with a partner: sharing all the stuff that makes life. Guess that's why most people do tend to form conventional relationships.

I don't. I am (apparently) a control freak — we do it my way or no way — and so I live on my own. That works too

FunOnTheBeach20 · 30/09/2019 10:17

Tbh of my friends who have unhappy relationships marriages, nothing has changed. The problems have always been there and we all (as in friends and family) questioned why they stuck it out. It’s generally obvious they’re totally incompatible at the outset and they trudge on anyway, in denial. I think some people (men and women) struggle with being on their own and think anyone is better than being on their own.

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