Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To ask why anyone would get married or live with someone?

150 replies

Moremoneyplease · 30/09/2019 09:51

The more I read on MN, the more I genuinely wonder why we're all compelled to form relationships and move in with one another/get married. There are so many posts talking about husbands/partners not helping out or bullying/controlling/belittling women.

I have daughters and I worry about the relationships they may form as adults. I have tried to bring them up to be confident and able to stand up for themselves, but even when a man seems perfectly lovely for the first few years, behaviour often seems to change when children come along.

So how can any woman be sure that she has picked well??

OP posts:

fridgegrazer · 30/09/2019 11:14

I wouldn't want to live with anyone again - male or female - and that includes my adult children!

In fact there are times the cat pisses me off ... but she generously gives me another chance.

JacquesHammer · 30/09/2019 11:16

Genuinely I'm not sure - and I say that as someone who got married and lived with someone

I do think society is way to couple-centric for many (women especially) people to feel able to live alone.

Tilltheendoftheline · 30/09/2019 11:18

Fancying someone in a nightclub twenty years ago turns out not to be the most objective recruitment process for choosing a life partner, who knew?

Lol, but I suppose dating them and getting to know them would be the recruitment process. Fancying them in a nightclub is the equivalent of being passed someones CV. Might look good but need to do more to know if it's just good presentation and a load of bollocks.

Women no longer need to be tied into a contract of slavery. Sisters are doing it for themselves.

Some women want to. Knowing it financially ties them to a man. Sharing assets etc. That's what they want. I wouldn't do, but that's my choice.

They are no less 'sisters' or no less 'doing it for themseleves'

OhTheRoses · 30/09/2019 11:21

I agree with jacqueshammer's sentiment.

Who would have guessed 30 years aho that I'd happily share my bed with a bloke with a bald patch, a slight paunch and who had to trim his nasal hair. Still can't imagine sharing it with anyone else. God forbid if anything were to happen to him I wouldn't want to share it with anyone else.

Informationvstrust · 30/09/2019 11:21

I have a daughter and I would like her to have a great relationship... but I'd like her to see it as an optional extra, not the main thing in her life. I'd like HER to be the main thing in her life, and to be unselfconscious about that.

Men are socialised to put themselves in the middle of everything they do. Women are socialised to put everyone else first. I will try SO hard not to teach her that lesson.

It is well known that in terms of health and happiness, marriage benefits men and disadvantages women (statistically). I think that is definitely due to our socialisation into these roles.

I want my daughter to live a full life, know who she is and what she wants before even considering letting someone else share that with her.

Tilltheendoftheline · 30/09/2019 11:22

@Informationvstrust that just a great post.

Asta19 · 30/09/2019 11:24

I have lived with someone, and got married, in the past but will never do so again. I'm the sort of person who "loses" who I am when I'm with someone, and I finally recognised that. So relationships are not good for me. Sometimes it's just little things like going to the cinema, I hate the cinema but most people enjoy it, so I go along with going with them because it seems unreasonable not to. Or eating out. I'm a bit picky but again recognise it's unreasonable so go along with their choices which I often end up not liking. Slowly, slowly, all my likes and things I enjoy get chipped away at until I am only pleasing the other person and not myself. It's not the other persons fault. I'm probably just not easy to be with, so I change myself to make myself easy to be with, and I don't want to do that anymore. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone! But I have to say, reading the problems in relationships on here helps me keep my resolve strong. I sometimes almost shudder at what some women are going through and I feel happy I will never go through that (or through it again in some cases!). I guess I am now a "smug single".

Onabun · 30/09/2019 11:27

How odd. It's natural to want a partner, a mate. Why would we be better on our own? A partner shares the load, brings up children with you... a partner is company.

I also don't know anybody who is unhappy with their partner, and the one who is has now met someone else who she is happier with. You really only hear the bad stuff on here, just like you are more likely to read bad reviews.. people rarely shout about the good stuff,

Informationvstrust · 30/09/2019 11:30

@Asta19 I am like you - I disappear until I can't even remember what I like, what I want. And then of course I am terribly boring because the person they wanted to be with in the first place has gone. Pretty dysfunctional! Probably some deepseated insecurity at play...

JacquesHammer · 30/09/2019 11:39

Why would we be better on our own?

Because some people prefer to be?

A partner shares the load, brings up children with you

Her father does that - we don't need to be married or living together for him to do that.

a partner is company

I have my own.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/09/2019 11:41

Women no longer need to be tied into a contract of slavery
I'm sorry your experience was an abusive relationship but that isn't the norm, altho it happens obviously far too much. What about a HEALTHY marriage would you consider bad?

ShirleyPhallus · 30/09/2019 11:47

Women no longer need to be tied into a contract of slavery. Sisters are doing it for themselves.

I think your experience is entirely skewed and yes, I think there is a touch of the green eyed monster that you haven’t had a happy, healthy relationship

Asta19 · 30/09/2019 11:50

@Informationvstrust
I know exactly what you mean. After my last break up it took me months to get back to being me and I had to really work at it. I think that's why I just don't want to do it anymore. You may be right about the insecurity. I always tell myself I'm just trying to make the relationship "work" but one person shouldn't have to lose themselves to make that happen and I finally realised that.

darkcloudsandrainstorms · 30/09/2019 11:51

It’s a microcosm of society. We live in groups and build cities and towns benefitting from lights, water, electricity, food and shelter. Marriage provides the same creature comforts as we share the work. Marriage is a tie that is difficult to break when times get tough.

Sometimes I wish I lived in a cave.

Back to reality.

Original poster

Moremoneyplease · 30/09/2019 11:56

It's really good to read of so many loving, healthy relationships with such nice blokes! Very heartwarming. Interesting that many other pp have similar thoughts to me though.

@Informationvstrust Great post and a lesson that I will try to pass onto my DD.

OP posts:

Boom45 · 30/09/2019 11:58

I'm very happy with my husband, he has his faults but so do I and none of those faults are oppressive or unbearable.
However, if my husband were to leave I wouldn't be in any rush to have another live in partner. You can't be sure what any man is like to live with and before I had my children I was only risking my living with someone but now I would be moving my children in with someone also.

Ariadnepersephonecloud · 30/09/2019 12:16

I'm happy but it took me some horrible relationships to get here. Not saying DH doesn't annoy me ever, because I'm a short tempered rat bad, but he annoys me less than anyone else I know and I'd rather be with him than without.

IAmALazyArse · 30/09/2019 12:18

I think the secret to happy marriage or any relationship is to acknowledge that you will sometimes not be happy.
There are ups and downs. Great times and bad times.
Nothing in life is 100% positive.

GaudyNight · 30/09/2019 12:29

@Asta19 and @Informationvstrust, you are describing my mother, only she does it with her friendships as well as in her almost-50-year marriage to my father, and makes herself completely 'invisible' because she becomes only a side effect of whoever she's around. The other main difference between her and you both is that she has no insight into it whatsoever, and has a huge fund of unconscious anger about not being appreciated or heard, when in fact she has suppressed her own personality.

milliefiori · 30/09/2019 12:33

I love the give and take of married life. I love that sometimes DH will bring me tea in bed or fold and put away my laundry and sometimes I do the same for him. I love his bear hugs and the stupid little comedy routines we have together. I love watching TV curled up on the sofa together.

Tiny things that don't seem to matter (like - he takes the bins out, I make the breakfast or I clean the bathrooms and mow the lawn, he does the weeding and collects kids from late parties) - to me these add up to something really important - making daily life run smoothly by co-operating with each other, playing to our strengths and being glad the other one is around to do what we're bad at. I sew on his buttons and hem his trousers because he has massive hands that can't thread needles, and he does my tax returns because I'm so bad at maths. This team work can make you feel really happy and strong in a marriage. Then add in the fun you like to have together: someone who wants to go to the same gigs or plays or exhibitions as you, who wants to climb the same mountains or cycle the same routes, visit the same cities as you do - having someone to go out into the world with who likes you, who you trust, to share experiences with - this is so valuable imo. Someone to raise children with, who will discuss important decisions about their health, their upbringing, their happiness etc with you - that's an incredibly valuable relationship that takes away some of the pressures of raising children. I know I wouldn't be half as good a mum if I had to do it alone.

DH and i have been married 25 years. I could list a heap of things that would make people scream LTB and another heap that would make them say: what a man in a million, you are so lucky. He could do the same about me. Overall, I think we enhance each other's lives in lots of ways that I would miss so much if he weren't around.

flirtygirl · 30/09/2019 12:41

Everyone is different. I liked being married but my husband was abusive.

It's not even about choosing well. Some people hide their true nature for years. Obviously some ignore massive glaring red flags also.

However personally I could not live with a man without being married to him. So my choices are be married or be single.

museumum · 30/09/2019 12:46

I would have been very very lonely if I hadn't had dh with me through the preschool years. He's support both practically and emotionally and company and companionship. Why would I want to be without that and do it all alone?
We've been together 14 years, married 9 of them, but we didn't meet until late 20s so both felt that we knew ourselves by then which I think helped.

Jaxhog · 30/09/2019 12:47

I've been happily married for over 40 years. For me, the benefits far outway the disadvantages. Not all of my close friends are married; some by choice, some not.

You have to choose your own path and live with the consequences.

FrangipaniBlue · 30/09/2019 13:16

I don't wonder why people form relationships...... but I do wonder why the fuck women choose to marry and have children with some of the lazy useless men I read about on MN!!!

Doingtheboxerbeat · 30/09/2019 13:29

I agree op, and I have had several decent live in relationships in the past. But I will say that although some of the times were great - had someone to moan to when you've had a shit day, someone to deal with the eight legged freaks, someone to share bills, household chores - they could just as easily ruin my day by being an inconsiderate twat.
At least living alone means you are the master of your own shit day.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread