To ask why anyone would get married or live with someone?

[Moremoneyplease]

The more I read on MN, the more I genuinely wonder why we're all compelled to form relationships and move in with one another/get married. There are so many posts talking about husbands/partners not helping out or bullying/controlling/belittling women.

I have daughters and I worry about the relationships they may form as adults. I have tried to bring them up to be confident and able to stand up for themselves, but even when a man seems perfectly lovely for the first few years, behaviour often seems to change when children come along.

So how can any woman be sure that she has picked well??

@Moremoneyplease if there was a forum for people to talk about their amazing lives and relationships it would not be successful.

You’re looking at an advice forum, of course it’s full of problems, issues, dilemmas.... and great advice of course.

Worrying gets you nowhere is my advice.

I am with my husband because us being together makes us more than the sum of our individual selves.

And in a rather old-fashioned way - we cherish each other.

No I don’t think a woman should take a man’s money any more than vice versa. If someone gives up work to become an SAHP there should be a written agreement with a view to an end date too. Nobody was an SAHP in my marriage.

But we werent discussing your marriage at that point. You were talking marriage in general and then I asked you about my brother situation, where he is the sahp.

You said she still shouldn't have married him, giving access to half her money, despite her getting half a house he mainly paid for and him staying at home.

You applied what happened in your marriage to all marriages regardless of situation.

Personally I think most women would be better off living alone, or with other women if they like company.

I'd be delighted to do this. If something happened to dh there's no danger I'll be on the pull again. But after over 20 years, dh and I get on with each other and he does the diy jobs I can't be arsed with.

I am happier with my DH than I would be alone.

I am raising my kids, daughters AND sons so they know they don't have to settle, it's ok to walk out when it's not the right person, that being part of a couple should be a plus, not a burden. That a relationship with someone from a different culture or background is not impossible but much much harder.

That people need to be clear when they commit, how to raise kids, how to organise their life,, and if it doesn't work out, then it's always ok to leave. There's a big world out there.

If anyone thinks that being married or living with someone removes freedom and choices they are in the wrong relationship.

I think marriage is a lottery really(Thats what my Cousin says anyway!) and no one can really "pick well",its more as you go along through lifes ups and downs together ,and get to know someone through different circumstances .I have been married for over 30 years now ,and it hasnt all been a smooth ride but I wouldnt change him! Some men can be selfish ,but we only hear one side of the situation here .No Fault Divorce has been brought out now ,so I think that is fair .Unless someone is being abused then everyone has good /bad in them and marriages end in Divorce sometimes thats just life really!

I think it would hugely benefit women if they had a career before getting married. I have seen several comments on threads about why men earn more than money and many posters comment that them / their friends pretty much got married and had kids right away without an opportunity to build a career

Those who think that things are unfairly skewed might feel better if they knew future earning potential was more balanced

Living with a partner has never worked for me and I’ve never been married. I love my own space, freedom to do what I want when I want, have my house the way I like it etc. I can’t cope with being around people all the time.

My bf of 2 years is great, he does a lot for me (practically not financially), but we don’t live together and never will, and certainly don’t plan to marry. It’s the best of both worlds, we enjoy each other’s company but still have very independent lives. I think for years I believed I wanted the ‘normal’ set up, but it’s been liberating to realise actually I don’t and this is what works best for me.

People have been doing it since the dawn of time, so I guess we are hard-wired to coupling up . And for many of us it's just how we like to live. I love being married to DH - he is funny , he loves me to bits, and he is handy around the house . We share everything and I like nothing better than just being in the same room with him.

@ShirleyPhallus I agree. So many women become a sahm because 'it makes more financial sense as he earns more'.

DifficultSituation19 sounds a like a great set up. I do think we are lucky compared to years past. You can live together, get married, not get married, not live together etc largely without judgement.

Everyone should do what works for them.

My DH is an absolute dream. He’s handsome, kind and considerate, helpful, wonderful in every way and we have a very happy marriage but... I put a lot of that bliss down to the fact that we’re both childfree by choice. I think if children were in the equation it would ruin what we have and I’m not sure we’d make it!

Just to spread a bit of smugness.

Dp finished work at 3.30pm. I finished at half 4. Ds is in a school 2 buses away and dp only has a motorbike. So I pick ds up. I have come home, had dinner ready, took his last step in getting ds to eat bolognese (ds is autistic and dp has been taking baby steps to get him to eat something new), changed the our bed. We have just eaten and he washed up and made me a cuppa. Me, dp and ds now sat in sofa watching the chase before bath time. Then ds will go to bed and me and dp will watch TV and eat cake.

No intention of marrying him. But living with him is bloody easy. I cant think of a single reason, I wouldnt want to live with him.

I like living with dh.

Sure he annoys me sometimes, but he's quite good to have around.

He fixes everything, he does loads of diy to make our home nice, he makes me coffee all the time, he watches my programmes with me, he shares the boring household tasks, he's nice and cuddly in bed and despite his size he doesn't take up much room, he's good company, he tells me funny stories about work and I enjoy it because I'm sad like that. We have lots in common.

I don't feel like I'd be better without him.

I love being married to DH. He is not perfect but then neither am I.

He is incredibly messy whereas I am very tidy and is always losing his keys, his phone etc but his good points outweigh the bad.

He works full time, quite often long hours and I don't work but he will still come home and cook a meal and he is a great cook. He is kind and considerate and often buys me little presents that he thinks I will like or flowers or a plant (I love plants).

We share a lot of interests and go to the cinema, theatre, museums, art galleries, gardens, castles, stately homes etc as much as we can. We love spending time together and laugh such a lot.

We have been married 40 years and, as we never had children, DH has never changed! I honestly think one of the reasons we still are so much in love and such great friends is the fact that we chose not to have children

I meant to say that my parents have a happy marriage (67 years) as do both my siblings (both been married 38 years). All first marriages. I also know quite a few other people with happy marriages although I do know many people who are on 2nd, 3rd or even 4th marriages and are not happy.

I have had a predominately unhappy 15 year relationship but when I eventually get out of it, I hope I will find someone who loves me enough to propose to me and that I will get a second chance at happiness. I want a kind companion next time who I really gel with in terms of a friendship. I chose my current partner because I found him sexy and exciting. Ultimately we are not compatible at all. I just want the chance to experience a happy, healthy relationship and I think I will pick the right person next time so am willing to take the risk again.

@Laraaussie I love reading stories like the one you’ve posted Sounds like a very happy relationship

My DH has just come home from a work trip abroad with a box of macarons and announced he's decided to learn how to make them. He's now clearing up in the kitchen after dinner despite having worked all weekend and travel from Europe all day. What's not to love?

Thanks to everyone for their comments, I really enjoyed reading them all. Some lovely husbands/partners out there which has restored some of my faith in men!! Loved the DH whose mission in life was to make his wife smile - that's the kind of guy I hope my DD meet!

Well, you won't see me posting about how amazing my DH is, how hard he works for our family and how much we love each other, obviously. You'll see posts from women who are in bad relationships who need help and advice to deal with that. Massive bias in the sample. You can't draw any conclusions from that.

50% of marriages are “bad” and end in divorce. Your daughters should beware! Basically it’s only a good deal for SAHPs.

My friends are overwhelmingly married to men who share parenting and household chores and both parties have FT careers. That gives a balance and equality for me and DH, I know, that means that (despite the odd sticky patch) we are a partnership. So if I had DDs (and to my DSs) I will say ‘have a career so you have options if things do go south’ and ‘take your time...try before you buy...move in long before marriage and DC and see what happens.’ I learned that DH was as untidy as I am and rubbish about laundry. He learned that I am beyond bad at DIY and dislike gardening. And we learned that neither of us cared about those (and other) flaws.

To be honest, although I obviously love him and know him very well, I've only recently become aware of how many bad traits my DH doesn't have from the lists you see on here.

He's entirely self-managing of his side's birthday and Christmas stuff (better than me).
He is aware of and has boundaries in place over my PILs foibles.
He is financially secure and cautious, but not tight.
We talk through everything before we do it, and only proceed with what we're both comfortable with.
He's not a 'lad', and rejects laddish behaviour from laddish friends.

Just for balance, he's also lazy, messy and Type B. He likes boring things, and he can sleep for Britain.

I love him, but I'm not sure I'd be raring to go to live with someone else if I lost him.

That is victim blaming pure and simple.

So please explain how so? I don't recall saying it's a woman's fault a man is lazy, it was however her choice to marry/move in with him.

Had my DH shown even a hint that he wasn't either willing or capable of being a 50:50 partner in EVERYTHING he wouldn't be my DH.

@WhimToo Has probably hit the nail on the head though with this...

I honestly think that there aren't enough decent men for every decent woman who wants a man to have one.

Yeah mumsnet has definitely put me off relationships