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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why anyone would get married or live with someone?

150 replies

Moremoneyplease · 30/09/2019 09:51

The more I read on MN, the more I genuinely wonder why we're all compelled to form relationships and move in with one another/get married. There are so many posts talking about husbands/partners not helping out or bullying/controlling/belittling women.

I have daughters and I worry about the relationships they may form as adults. I have tried to bring them up to be confident and able to stand up for themselves, but even when a man seems perfectly lovely for the first few years, behaviour often seems to change when children come along.

So how can any woman be sure that she has picked well??

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 30/09/2019 10:21

My marriage is happy. My parents marriage was happy. My inlaws' marriage is happy. Your perspective depends on those around you. I think if you want children then being in a stable marriage first is still the ideal.

1300cakes · 30/09/2019 10:21

The more I read on MN, the more I genuinely wonder why we're all compelled to form relationships and move in with one another/get married.

We just are I suppose, I think it's biology. Why do dogs sniff each other's butts? Why do birds sing in the morning? Why do fish swim in schools? It's instinct. I think MN shows you just how instinctively compelled we are to form pair bonds. Many posters on here would much rather be in an abusive relationship where they are a domestic slave, than be single.

IAmALazyArse · 30/09/2019 10:22

I would not want to live with other women😮 again.

I live with my DH because I kind of like him😁 We wanted to live together. Each still has their own space in a house so we are not on top of each other all the time. We bicker, we argue, we have a good laugh. I would say that every relationship has up and downs. But people are more prone to talk about the negatives.

catspyjamas123 · 30/09/2019 10:22

I don’t buy that you only read on MN about the bad ones. Look at the statistics. Half of marriages will end in divorce. Have a read of the lone parents board and see how these “lovely men” turn out - refusing to even support their children. Of course the smug marrieds will be sure they have a wonderful DH until it happens to them.

At least now I am free. I have my children and I have friends. No need to get embroiled with another partner!

Benes · 30/09/2019 10:23

Because MN tends to only show poor examples of relationships.

I love living with DH ....he's a great person to live with!

Beechview · 30/09/2019 10:23

My dh is pretty decent. Has his faults like everyone but is generous, kind and considerate.
I also have two ds who I think are turning into lovely young men too.

As regards to dd, I will be telling her to listen to her instincts. If there’s behaviour she doesn’t like, then be wise to it. Don’t accept excuses like ‘I was stressed’ ‘if this thing hadn’t happened then I wouldn’t have got angry’ Etc.
I learnt from mn that when someone shows you who they are, pay attention.

IAmALazyArse · 30/09/2019 10:24

Of course the smug marrieds will be sure they have a wonderful DH until it happens to them.

This is why people rarely say positive things about their relationship 🙄 Because that makes them "smug"

BarbedBloom · 30/09/2019 10:24

My DH is fab, does more than half the housework, cooks, is kind and loving. My previous two long term exes were not. I think some people naturally prefer to live alone, some end up caring for two people plus any children, some men are abusive or unkind. I like living with someone and sharing my life, I wouldn't want to live separately.

I think it doesn't always have to mean living alone if you don't want to, but ensuring if you do then you have a way to extricate yourself from that situation if things go bad. To raise your children to be independent, your sons to respect women and their careers. The problem isn't always living with someone, but living with the wrong person or someone who is lovely but not right for you. For example both me and my DH are neat, I would struggle to live happily with a very messy person

SilverChime · 30/09/2019 10:27

*Security, both physical and financial
*Help with childcare, housework, lifting heavy stuff, looking after you if you’re ill
*Sharing expenses
*Sex on tap with someone who’s disease free

AmIAWeed · 30/09/2019 10:32

@SilverChime
*Sex on tap with someone who’s disease free

I am totally using this as a 'reasons why I love you' in my next anniversary card!!!

Belfield · 30/09/2019 10:35

I think there are less need now for women to be married than before. Women used to rely on men for survival, no man often meant no roof over their head. Women couldn't vote only last century, marital rape didn't exist, women often gave up their jobs, and so on. This is just a natural shift imo. if you don't have a choice you tend not to complain, if you do have a choice then if you are not happy with something you will complain. there is less cultural pressure to be married also. In saying that, plenty of people are quite happy to be married and it is nice to have your partner in crime in life. It just depends.

2toe · 30/09/2019 10:37

You hear about things when they are bad, you don’t hear so much when it’s good. People complain and ask for advice, they don’t start threads to say “look at how normal my life was today”.
For instance my morning involved everyone getting up, I took the dog out, my husband took the kids to school, when he came back we had sex, he made me breakfast while I showered, he’s off today so after he’s taken me to work he will take the dog out again and tidy up then when I get home I will organise dinner.....I wouldn’t have said that to anyone if I hadn’t been reading this thread.

misspiggy19 · 30/09/2019 10:42

In real life I don’t know a single person who is in an unhappy relationship

Tilltheendoftheline · 30/09/2019 10:42

Practical reasons I live with my dp.

Less bills to pay, support when money has been tight.
Someone to do half the housework
Someone to do half the cooking (though he finishes work earlier so does more)
Someone to do half the diy
He does the gardening and I hate it

Emotional reasons are,

I like him. We are good friends as well as romantic partners
I want to share a bed with him and like waking up with him
I like spending my evenings with him and did before he moved in
I love cooking, doing the shopping, having friends round for dinner with him.
I love deciding what colour our living room will be, and where to put the christmas tree in the room. I love him being there when I get in. I love him sharing my whole life with him.

But I also love that he doesnt mind if I need space or time alone. If I want to MAP or just read. He doesnt mind if I want to spend all weekend with my friends. He doesnt expect my world to start and end with him. He knows I love him and knows I also need space.

I love that he will make ds his favourite meal for tea, if he has been having a bad time of it (aspergers) encourage ds to try new foods and new things. I love that he will see something ds likes and surprise him with it. That he researched Aspergers and how to support me ages before we considered moving in together. He is ds friend, not ds mums boyfriend, doesnt try and be is dad.

If I could choose anyone to live with it would be dp.

So the question is, why not?

catspyjamas123 · 30/09/2019 10:44

@SilverChime NONE of those things are provided by marriage. “Disease free”....er you can NEVER be sure of that!

OhTheRoses · 30/09/2019 10:45

Well mine is my lifelong companion and best friend. He is loyal and deeply moral and I love him a bit more with every year and we have been together for mpre than 30.

We have worked hard, lived, had shared joys and grief and have grown together and learnt how we both react in the happiest and worst of situations.

Every night before we settle down we have a cuddle and he tells me he loves me and every morning do the same. And then he brings me a mug of tea and that's the best bit. only joking

Funghi · 30/09/2019 10:49

Tea. It’s all about the tea. I love tea, it’s my favourite but I can’t make it. For some reason it separates or goes grey Confused DH on the other hand is excellent at making a brew, it’s perfect every time.

I believe this is the secret to a happy marriage.

mrsmuddlepies · 30/09/2019 10:51

@RaveOnThisCrazyFeeling, I completely agree with you about prettypumpkin's goady comment about working mothers. Not nice

dollydaydream114 · 30/09/2019 10:53

Mumsnet is where people come to discuss a problem or issue or niggle, so clearly you're not going to hear much about people's happy relationships.

I live with my DP because I love him very much, I like to spend my time with him and we make a really good team. We both quite enjoyed living alone, but we support each other and we both just find life happier and easier living together. It's as simple as that, really. We don't really row or get on each other's nerves. We both have stuff that we go and do alone and we both have different groups of friends that we see separately so we aren't perpetually in each other's pockets, but ultimately, I tend to have a nicer time with DP than I do with anyone else. We've been together for 16 years.

Of course the smug marrieds will be sure they have a wonderful DH until it happens to them.

Christ, who pissed on your chips? Just let people be happy, eh?

PumpkinP · 30/09/2019 10:54

I don’t think this really makes any sense. Ofcourse people only post about bad stories on here if they posted good ones they would be “gloating” fwiw I’ve always lived alone and I hate it, even when I was with my ex I hated that he didn’t want to live together and felt extremely resentful that I was left doing all the hard work with the kids whereas he could go home when he felt like it. So works both ways.

IAmNotAWitch · 30/09/2019 10:59

The 2 main reasons I like living with DH are sex and coffee.

He is very good at providing both in bed.

ShirleyPhallus · 30/09/2019 10:59

The reason for it is beautifully demonstrated by the poster who said that those in happy relationships are “smug marrieds”

I do wonder if there is a touch of the green eyed monster in that comment though

MorrisZapp · 30/09/2019 11:04

Relationships don't make sense really. I often think this. My DP is a brilliant dad and I'm glad every day for that, but we're not hugely suited and our own relationship is functional rather than romantic.

Fancying someone in a nightclub twenty years ago turns out not to be the most objective recruitment process for choosing a life partner, who knew?

He's a nice guy but I'm mostly meh these days. I wouldn't choose to live with a man again. I can't imagine there's an adult on this earth who wouldn't piss me off if I had to share my space with them long term.

catspyjamas123 · 30/09/2019 11:05

@shirleyPhallus ... Green eyed monster? You’ve gotta be kidding. If you knew how much I’ve had to pay to get OUT of a marriage.

Women no longer need to be tied into a contract of slavery. Sisters are doing it for themselves.

Maseandmum · 30/09/2019 11:12

@catspyjamas I’m married and it definitely isn’t a contact of slaveryConfused

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