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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why anyone would get married or live with someone?

150 replies

Moremoneyplease · 30/09/2019 09:51

The more I read on MN, the more I genuinely wonder why we're all compelled to form relationships and move in with one another/get married. There are so many posts talking about husbands/partners not helping out or bullying/controlling/belittling women.

I have daughters and I worry about the relationships they may form as adults. I have tried to bring them up to be confident and able to stand up for themselves, but even when a man seems perfectly lovely for the first few years, behaviour often seems to change when children come along.

So how can any woman be sure that she has picked well??

OP posts:
catspyjamas123 · 30/09/2019 15:28

Actually I think people should take out what they put in and no more. I was under the impression she paid towards the house.

Why should my ex have take my money to spend on booze and hookers and then take my life savings too? All because of a piece of sodding paper designed by the patriarchy in feudal times.

I don’t hate men but I do believe in justice.

WhimToo · 30/09/2019 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarshaBradyo · 30/09/2019 15:33

Marriage protects me more than vice versa because I’ve had years as sahm.

Tilltheendoftheline · 30/09/2019 15:38

I was under the impression she paid towards the house.

She did. For 4 years. Thiee 4 years he didnr pay the mortgage, was because he gave up his job to stay at home with the kids, so she could travel as an when needed to. Didnt need to worry about care when the kids were ill etc. Do you believe that 4 years, entitled her to half the house, but doesnt entitle him to anything of hers?

Again, why is it different if the woman is a sahp?

Why should my ex have take my money to spend on booze and hookers and then take my life savings too? All because of a piece of sodding paper designed by the patriarchy in feudal times.

I don’t hate men but I do believe in justice.

Morally or legally? Because legally, you decided to sign a contract joining all your assets and finances.

Since you wont answer why its ok for the woman to have a chunk of her husbands money on divorce, but not the man, even when it have been a sahp, says it's not justice at all.

WhimToo · 30/09/2019 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tilltheendoftheline · 30/09/2019 15:39

Not judging, by the way. I don't think anyone, male or female, is taught to understand the true nature of the marriage contract growing up.

This is very true. You often see people write posts saying 'you marry for love.....have people forgotten that? Reducing marriage to a legal contract is very sad'.

It's like the fact that ita a legal contract seems to have escaped most peoples attention.

MarshaBradyo · 30/09/2019 15:41

Yep I’ll take that Whim Smile

VictoriaBun · 30/09/2019 15:48

*riotlady

I like living with my partner. He cooks my tea and kills spiders for me (rarely simultaneously)*

It's a good job we all go different things . For killing spiders , I'd be divorcing mine !

PhilCornwall1 · 30/09/2019 15:56

Getting married is the best thing I ever did, well apart from our two boys coming along.

I've been married for 20 years and love my wife as much as I did the day we got married, probably more. We've have fantastic times, but also have been through and are still going through a really tough time with my health, I just couldn't do it without her. She really is an amazing lady. On top of all this, she's my best friend.

MN is not representative of every marriage. Nobody is going to post how great their marriage or spouse/partner is. Would be great to see threads like that though.

Tilltheendoftheline · 30/09/2019 16:00

Would be great to see threads like that though.

I saw one in relationships a few months ago.

Several posters came on to tell people how smug/insensitive/selfish etc. People were for talking about what nice things have happened in your relationship. The title made it obvious what it was about. If you were you going though a bad time and reading that thread would have made you feel bad, you could easily avoid it.

It's not surprising people don't post positive stuff.

Thistle23 · 30/09/2019 16:09

My husband is brilliant , from very early on dating he's told me it's his job in life to make me smile.

He's currently moving my car from where I was forced to park to where I usually park ( because I'm scared of walking through a dark lane ).

PhilCornwall1 · 30/09/2019 16:11

@Tilltheendoftheline I agree. In fact I think there is a comment further up the thread that says about smug marrieds in a less than nice way.

Well, if someone wants to call me smug for my post, they are very welcome. I'll just sit back here with a smile on face and say "yes, yes I am". Smile

Littlepond · 30/09/2019 16:12

DH is fun to live with!

WhimToo · 30/09/2019 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Abouttimemum · 30/09/2019 16:23

My husband is amazing. I don’t have a bad thing to say about him; he’s a wonderful man and I wouldn’t have been able to cope with these last few months with a newborn without him. He’s a hands on dad and we share childcare 50/50 (aside from when he’s at work obviously) Our little boy and I come first for him (although I have been pushed down the pecking order since our son’s arrival haha)

I think you only really see the bad on forums to be honest because people are going through situations and come here for support so it’s only natural.

I do get frustrated with what some women will put up with, and the low expectations they have. Things like ‘asking him to help’ with housework and child care. No it’s all 50% his responsibility.

All you can do is bring them up to be confident and look after themselves. I’m with my husband because I want to be and because he improves my life, not because I need him. Although he does do all the cooking so I’d probably turn into a pot noodle if I was left to my own devices!!

Tilltheendoftheline · 30/09/2019 16:26

@PhilCornwall1 it's nice to see people happy.

I am a smug cohabitor, I suppose. I wont be getting married. But we wont be having kids so no ones career to protect or make it fair. Right now it's not important, maybe it will be in the future.

I can still grasp that it suits some people and can be happy for those people too.

Spread the happiness. Wherever it comes from! Grin

catspyjamas123 · 30/09/2019 16:31

@WhimToo you are speaking sense.

No I don’t think a woman should take a man’s money any more than vice versa. If someone gives up work to become an SAHP there should be a written agreement with a view to an end date too. Nobody was an SAHP in my marriage.

Yes, marriage favours SAHPs but plenty of people can’t afford that luxury.

Smug? Or mugs? You decide.

WhimToo · 30/09/2019 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 30/09/2019 16:40

Well, personally, I've been mich happier since I gave my ex-wife all my money to make her go away!

But I'm not self-absorbed enough to assume that my bad experience defines marriage for everybody else.

Drabarni · 30/09/2019 16:42

I love him, he loves me and I can't imagine life without him, tbh.

JacquesHammer · 30/09/2019 16:50

Isn’t the issue that many people assume their way is the right way?

If you’re doing the right way for you, who cares?

Would be nice if society caught up.

flirtygirl · 30/09/2019 16:54

I see marriage as a legal contract, a partnership and as something where you either are in love or love will grow. You need mutual respect at the very least and shared goals.

I also respect the religious aspect.
In that I would not live with any man to whom I was not married to. Therefore, in order to have and be in a committed relationship, there is no just dating, only dating with a view to marriage.

So both have to be on the same page from the start.

I would never accept cohabitation etc as my religion does not allow it. Also I would never be a sahm without the legal protection that marriage brings and I would want to be a sahm for any children.

YouJustDoYou · 30/09/2019 16:57

Because sometimes company is nice. Because sometimes it's just an arrangement that works? Because life can be complicated/not complicated.

stucknoue · 30/09/2019 16:59

I've confided in several close friends that we have separated and he's moving out soon. The overriding response was that they wished it was them but they weren't that brave

BossAssBitch · 30/09/2019 17:03

I love being married to my DH, he is bloody fantastic, kind, clever, funny, and always thinking of me. He makes me feel like the most wonderful woman who ever walked the earth! Being married to him only adds joy to my life.

From a practical perspective, he is tidy and organised, and keeps our lives ticking along with all the thoughtful stuff he does for us. He never leaves his pants and socks on the floor!