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Original poster

Should I feel insulted?

182 replies

UnaCorda · 29/09/2019 18:05

Went to a friend's party last night. At some point later in the evening it became apparent one of the guests was interested in me (started being very touchy-feely). He insisted on walking me home; when we got there he kissed me (until I told him to stop) and was clearly angling after coming inside, although I didn't let him. I was a bit concerned he wasn't going to be easy to get rid of, as he seemed quite determined he was going to get what he wanted. Told me I was amazing.

Received a message from him this morning basically saying, "see ya" - clearly he has no intention of contacting me again and was only after a shag.

Even though I don't have feelings for him I feel quite upset that he was clearly planning to sleep with me and then dump me in the morning - am I overreacting? For context, I have been single for a long time and had some shit experiences with men, including them not hearing "no"; this is no doubt influencing how I feel.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 30/09/2019 12:50

No. It's that that was clearly a parting shot, indicating that once he'd sobered up he was no longer interested

From the information you’ve given here, it seems far from clear to many if not most posters that it was necessarily a) a parting shot and/or b) signalled that he was no longer interested.

You do seem determined to think the worst of this guy though so probably for the best that it goes no further. Smile

CAG12 · 30/09/2019 12:54

In all honestly I think that je's just calling it early. He probably understood you not inviting him in as the equivalent of you saying 'no im not interested in anything'.

You could be bold and clarify things, see where you stand.

But tbh, his ego sounds fragile. Do you want to spend your time massaging his ego so he feels ok? No. You're not a therapist.

Original poster
UnaCorda · 30/09/2019 12:56

From the information you’ve given here, it seems far from clear to many if not most posters that it was necessarily a) a parting shot and/or b) signalled that he was no longer interested.

Well that's very interesting and surprising - perhaps I'm being too influenced by past experiences and being too negative. He also lives quite far away which is another thing that led me to draw that conclusion (sorry - didn't mean to drip feed).

OP posts:
Tilltheendoftheline · 30/09/2019 13:51

I think his 'take care' was a neutral response. Thinks you arent interested, so left a neutral response.

Probably thinking that if you were that fussed about seeing him again, you will message it.

I don't think he blew you off. I think he thinks you arent that fussed, so has left it there.

I am nor talking about not having sex with him. I am talking about your response to his message. That came across as polite but nor interested

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2019 14:10

I'm with you op. And am surprised by some of the responses.

I do not see you not shagging him as telling him you're not interested and outright rejecting him as you snogged him etc and texted him back. If this was the case, I'd never have had a relationship. Clearly everyone posting this shags whomever asks on the first night so there is no confusion.

I also agree with you that take care is a way to close the conversation. It's not an invitation for you to ask him out.

TanyaChix · 30/09/2019 14:37

Why would you be offended that you rejected a shitty bloke who just wanted a shag and that because of that, the aforementioned shitty bloke is letting you know that he’s not interested in anything else?

Be pleased with yourself for sussing his game and getting rid of him before he had a chance to add you to his list.

donquixotedelamancha · 30/09/2019 14:37

I do not see you not shagging him as telling him you're not interested and outright rejecting him as you snogged him etc and texted him back.

If you tried it on with a bloke and he said no, and gave no indication of wanting more contact, would you keep texting? I wouldn't, especially if I had been drunk and a bit lechy. I'd be embarrassed and not want to bother them.

That said, the new update does not sound like a lost great romance. I think OP should be pleased he got the message.

Original poster
UnaCorda · 30/09/2019 14:49

I also agree with you that take care is a way to close the conversation. It's not an invitation for you to ask him out.

Exactly. There were any number of things he could have said that would have left the conversation more open, without appearing overly keen.

Also, I suspect that message was only sent so that I couldn't say to the mutual friend that he had ignored me the following morning (when I replied to him).

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 30/09/2019 14:56

He also lives quite far away which is another thing that led me to draw that conclusion (sorry - didn't mean to drip feed).

It’s cool. You were quite right not to want to shag someone you didn’t know from Adam 90 minutes before (I wouldn’t have either). If that alone did put make him think there was no hope (no-one can really know), I imagine he regularly experiences a lot of disappointment on the dating front. Grin

OMGshefoundmeout · 30/09/2019 14:58

There’s nothing wrong with someone wanting a ONS. The OP thinks that was what he was after, he didn’t get it and they parted on polite terms. It isn’t insulting that he doesn’t want a prolonged connection with the OP anymore than it was insulting of her to not want to shag him.

In fact I think (if the OP is right and he was just after a ONS) his message was courteous. A lot of drunken men who failed to get their end away wouldn’t be messaging so politely.

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2019 14:58

If you tried it on with a bloke and he said no, and gave no indication of wanting more contact, would you keep texting

That's not what happened though is it? If said bloke snogged me, and held my hand and texted me the next day saying he had a lovely time I'd not respond with nothing more than take care. That to me is closing it off. I totally agree with the op.

I simply don't see how snogging someone and texting them but not shagging them is saying youre uninterested.

You don't have to shag a man As soon as he asks to show you're interested. Confused

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2019 15:03

Op, you do know that the people saying by not having sex with him you told him you were uninterested, would also be saying that if you did have sex with him and he didn't wish to see you again, it would be because uou shagged him so early on. 🤣

Sagradafamiliar · 30/09/2019 15:09

The amount of headspace you've given this OP, you might as well drop him a text if you do like him. It's perfectly legal you know!

Sagradafamiliar · 30/09/2019 15:13

I mean, 'take care' isn't that closed an expression. When I'm seeing friends out or waving off my kids or parents I say 'take care' sometimes, I don't say it then swish my skirt and then storm off hoping never to hear from them again!

Original poster
UnaCorda · 30/09/2019 15:47

I'd not respond with nothing more than take care. That to me is closing it off. I totally agree with the op.

To me, "take care" is pretty much synonymous with "goodbye" - it's said at the end of a conversation. If there's nothing else in the message that doesn't leave much of an invitation for things to continue.

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 30/09/2019 15:53

Brrrr he sounds really creepy with the groping, following and attempting to snog you. If he is steering clear for the moment, then you've had a lucky escape from a sleazy creep. I wouldn't be around him alone again. Chalk it up to the tally of numerous creepy males, shrug and move on.

Sagradafamiliar · 30/09/2019 15:58

People can have more than one conversation, though. If they want to, if they don't then that's also fine!

Ilovetea33 · 30/09/2019 16:01

I'm not quite sure what you want. So if he'd texted you saying "had a great time, want to see you again as soon as possible", are you sure you wouldn't be on here saying "I shut him down last night, why won't he take no for an answer"?

Karwomannghia · 30/09/2019 19:23

It is possible to show you’re interested without having sex with someone- I don’t know why posters are saying pp think you should’ve shagged him if you fancied him. In fact no one has said that. But you could’ve stretched to being mildly flirtatious or even asked him a question back. There’s a huge spectrum between a closed answer to a question and jumping in bed.

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2019 20:34

But you could’ve stretched to being mildly flirtatious or even asked him a question back

Where does she say she didn't. What part of holding hands and snogging him shows disinterest to you?

Karwomannghia · 30/09/2019 20:43

I meant with the text exchange.

Phoebesgift · 30/09/2019 20:51

Beginning to understand why you've been single so long.

Original poster
UnaCorda · 30/09/2019 23:09

Nice. Hmm

OP posts:
Tilltheendoftheline · 01/10/2019 04:25

This essentially comes down to wether you think 'Take Care' is a brush off or not.

I don't think it is. At worst, I think he is pretty sure you arent interested and it's a neutral response. He is probably thinking if you are interested you will message him again.

It's not 'see ya'. Its very neutral.

GreatBigNoise · 01/10/2019 05:47

I don't get why you're determined to feel insulted. You both(?) enjoyed some flirting, he wanted a ONS, you didn't, so a ONS didn't happen

I think his messages were ok too.

If I were dating I would avoid drunk guys. (It's always seen as creepy for men to pursue drunk women - I understand it's different when it's the man that is drunk but I still think it's a dumb idea)

You flirted with him, let him walk you home and kissed him. He stopped when you asked. That sounds ok. He wouldn't have been able to tell from your message if you wanted to meet up again or not. Personally, I find it tedious to try and work out what people want from non-committal vague texts! If you were interested in seeing him again you should have just said. You have admitted you were unsure what you wanted so you can't blame him for being unsure too. Wanting to be chased and pursued is a bit old hat. 😅

OP, you need to speak up and be more assertive.