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Original poster

Should I feel insulted?

182 replies

UnaCorda · 29/09/2019 18:05

Went to a friend's party last night. At some point later in the evening it became apparent one of the guests was interested in me (started being very touchy-feely). He insisted on walking me home; when we got there he kissed me (until I told him to stop) and was clearly angling after coming inside, although I didn't let him. I was a bit concerned he wasn't going to be easy to get rid of, as he seemed quite determined he was going to get what he wanted. Told me I was amazing.

Received a message from him this morning basically saying, "see ya" - clearly he has no intention of contacting me again and was only after a shag.

Even though I don't have feelings for him I feel quite upset that he was clearly planning to sleep with me and then dump me in the morning - am I overreacting? For context, I have been single for a long time and had some shit experiences with men, including them not hearing "no"; this is no doubt influencing how I feel.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 29/09/2019 20:32

He wrote "Have a lovely evening."

In other words, whatever was left of the evening after you parted ways?

But that doesn’t make sense if he didn’t contact you until this morning?

You seem to be very confusing, OP.

couldntcareless · 29/09/2019 20:32

Not offended no, I suppose a little disheartened if you were expecting him to take you on a date etc. But he was obviously looking for a one night thing, you said no and that was that.

I've had one night stands who took my number and never contacted me again and vice versa. Never gave it a second thought to be honest.

Sagradafamiliar · 29/09/2019 20:37

I'd be offended at a curt, random 'see ya!' but this wasn't what happened, so no I wouldn't be offended.

Original poster
UnaCorda · 29/09/2019 20:38

He wrote "Have a lovely evening." In other words, whatever was left of the evening after you parted ways? But that doesn’t make sense if he didn’t contact you until this morning? You seem to be very confusing, OP.

Well that is precisely what he said. I did say it didn't really make sense!

OP posts:
Sagradafamiliar · 29/09/2019 20:44

Maybe his phone died and the messages only came through in the morning?

SparklyMagpie · 29/09/2019 20:48

"Yes, otherwise I'd have written that he hoped I had had a nice evening."

"He wrote "Have a lovely evening."

You're chatting shit now.

You're trying to convince yourself he's been a dick because he hasn't played the game like you"# hoped

If you're overthinking THIS much then I say it's a good idea it's ended where it has

UndertheCedartree · 29/09/2019 20:48

No, I don't think you should feel insulted atall. You claim to not have feelings for him yet you seem very upset that there are no plans to see him again and very over involved in the situation.

He came onto you and you rejected him. He politely messaged you that it was nice to meet you (perhaps feeling a bit guilty that he was so pushy) and you replied in like. He then ended the conversation by saying 'take care' - amicably making it clear he understands you aren't interested. I would just forget it and move on - it is a non-event.

recrudescence · 29/09/2019 20:52

Alternatively, choose to stop thinking about it and put the kettle on.

Butchyrestingface · 29/09/2019 20:53

Well that is precisely what he said. I did say it didn't really make sense!

This is what you wrote upthread:

He said it was lovely to meet me and he hoped I had a lovely evening (a slightly odd comment given I was clearly on my way to bed when we said goodbye).

What you are now saying he said means that your previous comments make no sense - not his.

Why would someone saying “have a lovely evening” the next morning be at all relevant to you going to bed the previous evening??

Either he said that he hoped you (had) had a great evening, which is not remotely odd and has no relevance to what you did after you parted company

OR

When he texted the next morning, he said “have a lovely evening” (meaning tonight) which again would have absolutely no relevance to you going to bed the previous evening.

You have absolutely changed the details and, as a PP so eloquently put it, appear to be chatting shit now.

Tilltheendoftheline · 29/09/2019 20:53

Don't think I've changed anything significant?

Well you did. Because you said 2 different things.

You seem really unclear.

I have to say, I agree that I think you arenr insulted. You are disappointed.

You gave him no indication in your message that you wanted to see him again. He has, politely, stepped back.

Butchyrestingface · 29/09/2019 20:56

You're chatting shit now.

You’re trying to convince yourself he's been a dick because he hasn't played the game like you"# hoped

I suppose the signs were there from the first post where OP reported him as “basically” saying something that was 💯 miles from what he actually said. ¯\(ツ)/¯

Bluntness100 · 29/09/2019 20:56

Op, I think you were hoping something would come of this and your disappointment is getting the better of you.

He's done nothing wrong, he was perfectly polite. He doesn't have to pursue a relationship with you. Some drunken flirting is fine. Most of us have done it. You don't need to start a relationship after it.

Even if he was after a ons it doesn't make him a bad person, he was perfectly polite about it. There is nothing offensive here.

Original poster
UnaCorda · 29/09/2019 20:57

You have absolutely changed the details and, as a PP so eloquently put it, appear to be chatting shit now.

No, I have not changed anything. After he got back, yesterday evening, he said it was lovely to meet me and "Have a lovely evening." That was the first written communication and I didn't reply until this morning.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 29/09/2019 20:59

Op. You kind of have changed the details. In your op you said he texted see ya. Which of course would have been rude. Instead the man has been nothing but polite.

As said, I think you're letting your disappointment get the better of you.

Secretbadlife · 29/09/2019 21:00

His ego has taken a bashing obviously thought he was something you couldn't resist but you did! Just laugh it off. Not worth your energy. Someone will come along that's worth it when you're not looking for it. Don't settle for less.

Sagradafamiliar · 29/09/2019 21:04

Sooooo
You rebuffed him
He couldn't get a TB until the following day, then told you to take care
Now ya miffed.

Rachelover60 · 29/09/2019 21:04

It happens, UnaCorda. For the record I think you were wise not to invite the guy into your home, you don't know him and he might have been awful, scary even. If you had and he didn't see you again you'd feel far worse than you do now.

I'm sure you will meet people who want to go out with you, not just for sex but sex eventually, and this will be merely a dim memory.

Butchyrestingface · 29/09/2019 21:06

No, I have not changed anything. After he got back, yesterday evening, he said it was lovely to meet me and "Have a lovely evening."

And you don’t think, given how confusing you are, that perhaps the benefit of the doubt is due and he maybe meant to type “had” rather than “have”?

That was the first written communication and I didn't reply until this morning

And this morning was when he didn’t say the thing that you claim in your OP that he said?

Poor guy.

Butchyrestingface · 29/09/2019 21:07

It happens, UnaCorda. For the record I think you were wise not to invite the guy into your home, you don't know him and he might have been awful, scary even. If you had and he didn't see you again you'd feel far worse than you do now.

Agreed. Smile

Original poster
UnaCorda · 29/09/2019 21:07

Op. You kind of have changed the details. In your op you said he texted see ya.

Yes, fair enough, although it wasn't intended to obscure any significant detail. I was just trying to make it a bit less outing. But it wasn't the "take care" that bothered me.

I think people are getting bogged down in the details. It was the fact he didn't seem to want to get to know me at tall that rankled, not the exact wording of his last message.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 29/09/2019 21:12

It was the fact he didn't seem to want to get to know me at tall that rankled

Yes, it's the disappointment he doesn't wish to pursue it that's pissing you off. But he was drunk, and he's not interested in pursuing it. We have all drunkenly flirted. Or most of us. With someone we may not wish to pursue a relationship with.

It's not offensive, just put it down to a drunken snog and move on. He's not done anything wrong.

onemorerose · 29/09/2019 21:18

@UnaCorda at the end of the day don’t take it as an insult if he only wanted a ons. It’s probably only what he’s after at the moment. It doesn’t mean that you are aren’t worth dating by any means.

donquixotedelamancha · 29/09/2019 21:22

But it wasn't the "take care" that bothered me.
You made that the main issue, saying it was dismissive.

he didn't really give me a chance to decide how I felt.
He did. He made his feelings clear. He thinks you are not interested.

It was the fact he didn't seem to want to get to know me at tall that rankled
But, from your account, he was doing what you wanted. Withdrawing is the polite, dignified, respectful course of action. It's hard to get to know someone who doesn't know themselves.

Do you just want the ego boost or do you like this fella? Goodness me, you've had chance now to consider your feelings.

Original poster
UnaCorda · 29/09/2019 21:22

It’s probably only what he’s after at the moment. It doesn’t mean that you are aren’t worth dating by any means.

Thank you.

OP posts:
70rule · 29/09/2019 21:29

OP, if you like him, or want to see how things could progress, I would text him one more time saying 'did you enjoy your evening?' or 'any hangover today' or something like that, just to see if he has misread your text as being lack of interest. If he responds conversationally then you've misread each other's tones, and if he ignores you then your initial assessment was correct.