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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I feel insulted?

182 replies

UnaCorda · 29/09/2019 18:05

Went to a friend's party last night. At some point later in the evening it became apparent one of the guests was interested in me (started being very touchy-feely). He insisted on walking me home; when we got there he kissed me (until I told him to stop) and was clearly angling after coming inside, although I didn't let him. I was a bit concerned he wasn't going to be easy to get rid of, as he seemed quite determined he was going to get what he wanted. Told me I was amazing.

Received a message from him this morning basically saying, "see ya" - clearly he has no intention of contacting me again and was only after a shag.

Even though I don't have feelings for him I feel quite upset that he was clearly planning to sleep with me and then dump me in the morning - am I overreacting? For context, I have been single for a long time and had some shit experiences with men, including them not hearing "no"; this is no doubt influencing how I feel.

OP posts:
SmellMySmellbow · 29/09/2019 21:42

Hang on, I'm going to contradict myself now. First of all I was "feel smug as he just assumed you'd be into him and you turned him down. That'll be a blow for his ego, ha."
...But now it's emerged that you're essentially disgruntled as he wanted just a quick shag and didn't want to pursue you?

So he's (potentially) pissed off you turned him down which hurt his ego, you're pissed off he's not continuing to chase you which has hurt yours.
Confused

AlexaAmbidextra · 29/09/2019 21:54

Is 'take care' pissy?

No, I was confused. I took her literally when she said he messaged ‘see ya’.

SparklyMagpie · 29/09/2019 22:08

I'm not getting why you'd even be arsed when you've tried to make him out to be a forceful dick head?

You've changed details and as I said before, you're gutted he hasn't chased you.

Nothing stopping you from sending a text if it bothers you that much

(Although I wouldn't advise it)

MereDintofPandiculation · 29/09/2019 22:13

Don't think I've changed anything significant? Just the tense and the whole emotional tone.

Dieu · 29/09/2019 22:45

But you weren't interested anyway ...

Duck90 · 29/09/2019 22:52

OP - do you often take slight at text messages from people?

His text sounds okay. He hoped you had (or “ have”, but the tense could be a mistake) a good night. That would the opportunity for you to say “yes great night” or not if you didn’t.

Personally I would not let a stranger walk me home, he could have been dangerous.

Rachelle11 · 30/09/2019 04:44

You are either interested in him or not. He is under no obligation to wait around for you to figure that out.
I think this is more about your ego than his. He sounds lovely .

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2019 07:41

Hang on she didn't say she wasn't interested, she clearly was, and she snogged him, held his hand etc, just because she didn't then go onto shag him doesn't mean she's not interested, nor does it give the impression to him she isn't. Many people don't shag on a first encounter, no one walks away from it thinking they don't fancy me if there is snogging etc.

Some of these responses are odd, like if you didn't shag a man on a first encounter he will think you're not interested, that's not the case at all. Not when you've been flirting, snogging and holding hands.

Drogosnextwife · 30/09/2019 07:53

Yeah. None of the OPs original post makes it sound like she actually likes him. I got the impression she just felt like he was a bit of a pest. He should really have taken the hint quicker. Notice when she says he "insisted" on walking her home, "he kissed me" as though she didn't actually want to kiss him, he just planked one one her. 🤷‍♀️ I just don't think she liked him that much, he got the message and sent a text to say, have a good night, take care, and the OP got annoyed because he didn't chase her some more to prove how much he fancied her. I don't sleep with people the first time I meet them either, never have.

Icantthinkofanewname87 · 30/09/2019 07:58

You’re annoyed that he said ‘Take care’? YABU!!

FrancisCrawford · 30/09/2019 08:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nicolastuffedone · 30/09/2019 08:06

I’d message back ‘hope not’

Tilltheendoftheline · 30/09/2019 08:17

I’d message back ‘hope not’

That doesnt make sense.

'Take care'

'Hope not'

How is hope not, a response to take care?

SparklyMagpie · 30/09/2019 09:04

"I’d message back ‘hope not’"

Confused why would anyone send that? Makes absolutely no sense

Butchyrestingface · 30/09/2019 09:08

How is hope not, a response to take care?

It could be a response to “hope you have/had a good evening”.

That makes no sense either but hey. ¯\(ツ)/¯

diddl · 30/09/2019 09:17

I'm guessing that it's a response to the "see ya" that Op originally put that he wrote?

LazyDaisey · 30/09/2019 09:19

I get what you mean. You’re insulted because you feel like he didn’t view you as relationship material, whereas you were thinking he might be /or might to be, and we’re willing to give it a go and try going out with him to find out.

Thing is, maybe his life is a fucking hot mess and he’s nowhere near ready for a relationship? Maybe it isn’t about you not being relationship material but about him just not wanting a relationship, full stop?

Nicolastuffedone · 30/09/2019 09:45

Sorry, just seen the ‘see ya’ stand down everybody!!

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2019 10:40

I also understand why the op is pissed off, she's not met anyone for a long time, this guy shows an interest, she plays it text book right, shows the right amount of interest, snogging, holding hands etc, but stops at sex, wanting it to be more than a one night stand, waits till the next morning to text him back to not seem to keen etc and it turns out it was just a bit of drunken fun to him and he's not interested in anything more.

Op you know one drunken thirty year old is not the decider of whether you're dateable or not. What this should tell you is you'd like a relationship, to get to know someone romantically. So what steps have you taken and can you take to make that happen?

AmIThough · 30/09/2019 10:45

Are you sure he didn't say 'take care' because he took the hint that you're not interested and didn't want to pursue it if you weren't bothered about him?

If he'd sent you a message saying he hoped you see you again, you'd be calling him a creep.

If you're not interested, forget about it.
If you are, message him.
I don't think 'take care' is a rejection.

FromTheAllotment · 30/09/2019 11:03

OP itsounds to me as though you are making this perfectly normal exchange beat the brunt of all your bitterness about not having been able to find a long term partner.

If you are this ready to become angry with anyone who’s interested in you but not exactly how you want them to be, then I fear that’s going to decrease the odds of your finding someone. His “take care” is actually probably politer than what is (sadly) average; if you’d messaged that it was nice to meet him too and that was all you’d said, I would have expected a lot of guys to leave it there and not reply again. From his perspective, you’ve indicated you’re not interested and he’s sent two further texts since then with the intended effect of letting you know there are no hard feelings.

Side note- if you’d messaged this morning “it was nice to meet you too! Fancy a drink sometime?” you could be in a different position now.

diddl · 30/09/2019 11:56

"it turns out it was just a bit of drunken fun to him and he's not interested in anything more."

I don't think that that can be read into his message tbh.

But it doesn't really matter does it?

Op is convinced he was only after a ons & isn't interested in him anyway.

Original poster
UnaCorda · 30/09/2019 12:36

I also understand why the op is pissed off, she's not met anyone for a long time, this guy shows an interest, she plays it text book right, shows the right amount of interest, snogging, holding hands etc, but stops at sex, wanting it to be more than a one night stand, waits till the next morning to text him back to not seem to keen etc and it turns out it was just a bit of drunken fun to him and he's not interested in anything more.

Yes - exactly! Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
UnaCorda · 30/09/2019 12:41

You’re annoyed that he said ‘Take care’? YABU!!

No. It's that that was clearly a parting shot, indicating that once he'd sobered up he was no longer interested. I agree that "See ya!" is a bit more off-hand, but the intent (i.e. you won't be hearing from me again) is the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
UnaCorda · 30/09/2019 12:50

To clarify further for the people saying "well you weren't interested anyway"...

There was no indication of any interest from him until after 10pm. We hadn't spent the evening together smooching in a cosy corner of a house party, we'd all (ten of us) been sitting around the dinner table talking and I was on the opposite side to him.

The first indication of interest was when we moved away from the table and he started finding excuses to touch me, progressing to stroking my back. I was fine with this - slightly surprised, slightly flattered, slightly uncertain as I knew he was a lot younger but suspected he didn't know my age.

I left at 11.30, at which point he was intent on accompanying me, back to my flat. (Incidentally I didn't put myself in danger - or very limited - as I live in the building where the party was held and he was going back to the party venue to stay the night.)

So there was a whole 90 minutes in which he progressed from not really paying me any attention at all to full-on snogging and trying to get into my flat under the guise of helping me to put back some stuff I'd lent the hosts.

Hope that makes it clearer - I didn't intend to obfuscate anything but obviously a few aspects in my description were misleading.

OP posts: