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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He turned up drunk. First date.

164 replies

Bt100200 · 29/09/2019 15:04

Hi everyone

Have formed a close online friendship with someone over these last few months and we decided it was now time to meet for a first date.

Both very excited. Chose an area that required a fair bit of travel for him (5 hours on the train).

I get there and....he is absolutely wasted. Drunk. LOUD. Embarassing. He said he was nervous about meeting me and had some dutch courage on the way down...however, hadn't just stopped at one or two.

He was staggering drunk.

I am so upset with this. After the build up over the months...our first date....and he could barely stand.

I am so.....let down and disappointed by this. Or am I being completely unfair?

I was looking forward to spending some meaningful time with him....how on earth can that be done when he can't put two words together? It was honestly the most sh*te date I have ever had.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 29/09/2019 15:41

For me that would mean that the first date would be the last. I would have been so uncomfortable that I would almost certainly have walked out.

Lucky escape, I would say, and travelling for 5 hours for a date is madness.

IHaveBrilloHair · 29/09/2019 15:43

TheMustressMhor
It's punctuation Innit.Grin

HopeClearwater · 29/09/2019 15:43

I suppose you could give him one more chance - but tell him that if he turns up drunk again you will walk out

Terrible advice.

tectonicplates · 29/09/2019 15:44

No. Don't give him one more chance.

I'm going to repeat something that's often said on here: When someone tells you who they are, listen. He's told you loud and clear who he is. Get out now.

TheMustressMhor · 29/09/2019 15:46

It's punctuation Innit

Only on Netmums is xx regarded as punctuation...

ChicCroissant · 29/09/2019 15:49

Another one in the lucky escape camp here, OP. No way does that sound like a one-off occasion to me. If he works offshore he may binge when he gets back. To be that drunk he's had a fair bit, not simply dutch courage.

Block and move on. Don't get over-involved online because - as in this case - you just don't really know them at all.

Topseyt · 29/09/2019 15:50

I suppose you could give him one more chance - but tell him that if he turns up drunk again you will walk out

Do not do this. He has already shown you what to expect. He is a drunk, and an obnoxious one too. He has no self restraint, cannot control his drinking and was totally disrespectful to you and everyone else around. Why on earth would you want to risk a repeat performance of that?

SherbetSaucer · 29/09/2019 15:51

I’m absolutely astounded that you stayed and you are etc! Shock I’d have walked out the second I realised what state he was in.

Why did you stay?

TypingoftheDead · 29/09/2019 15:52

Agree, he's shown you his true colours already, and it's clear you didn't like what you saw. That's enough reason not to see him again.
He also really doesn't sound that mature if he has to drink to steel his nerves!

BoomBoomsCousin · 29/09/2019 15:52

My first assumption would be that he was an alcoholic. I can see someone having a drink or two for nerves and being a little bit drunk but if he was drunk the whole time you were with him, stank of booze and decided to stay in the bar when you went for your train, that’s not a couple of drinks, it screams problems with alcohol.

Look elsewhere. You won’t do either of you any favours by enabling that sort of behaviour.

Topseyt · 29/09/2019 15:53

I wouldn't have stayed either.

Sashkin · 29/09/2019 15:57

Sounds more like he’s got an alcohol problem, couldn’t drink offshore, and got smashed the first opportunity he had.

“Dutch courage” isn’t staggering and slurring. That’s a shit-ton of alcohol over five hours, like 6+ cans on the train on the way down. Nobody drinks that much by mistake. If he’d only started drinking with you and knocked a few drinks back a bit quickly maybe, but to get that drunk and stay that drunk all day and all night is a lot.

And you said “are you just going to stay here and get pissed?” And he said “yes”? That’s not somebody who’s realised they’ve accidentally overdone it, it’s somebody who is drunk and wants to get drunker.

Musicforsnorks · 29/09/2019 16:00

I certainly,wouldn’t give it one more chance.

The ‘being rude and obnoxious’ to staff is very telling, unlikely he hasn’t done this before. Says a lot about someone’s character.

If a person is never rude to others when drunk, he wouldn’t just spontaneously develop this trait on a date.
He was already like that.

Straycatstrut · 29/09/2019 16:03

No YANBU. I'd be extremely annoyed and upset at having to deal with that.

I wouldn't say it's enough to ditch him completely - maybe did get extremely nervous and maybe he got a bit carried away with the drink. I'd give him one more chance - 100% sober rule next time.

Kind of worrying he might a drink problem though..

captainpantbeard · 29/09/2019 16:05

I was going to say give him a chance for nerves (and long distance train journeys!), but if he was rude to bar staff that would be a deal breaker for me

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 29/09/2019 16:05

I can't believe the person who is suggesting you give him another chance given what you have described.
Jesus some people really set the bar low.

GreySheep · 29/09/2019 16:05

Aside from all the rest, a man who turned loud and nasty to bar staff when drunk is one to avoid in my experience.

The problem with meeting people on line is that you’re instincts (the ones the hairs on the back of your neck react to) don’t get a chance to activate. They’re blinded. But luckily he showed you who he was on the first date and you should believe it.

You’ve dodged a bullet.

MerryDeath · 29/09/2019 16:07

well that's an easy no thanks at least.

best to try not to have long drawn out e-courtships before meeting ime..... they will never live up to your expectation whether good or bad they will just be different. important not to be attached to an imaginary person.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/09/2019 16:08

Rude and slightly abnoxious to bar staff.

That's an absolute no. 100% never ever go out again with someone who is rude to waiting/bar/transport staff. No matter how drunk me or DH has been, overly friendly and chatty is the most the waiting staff ever have to deal with.

When men treat people they see as 'beneath' them poorly, they will treat you poorly at some point. Mark my words. Never let a man like this have any power over you. Emotional, financial, practical.

Original poster
Bt100200 · 29/09/2019 16:11

Thanks so much again, everyone xx
I didnt know whether I was being a bit too harsh....xx
Disappointed...that was writtwn all over my face yesterday...... but....huge, huge lessons!! Bloody hell....what a nightmare that was Xx

OP posts:
diddl · 29/09/2019 16:11

Can't believe that you had a meal with him or have spoken to him since tbh.

Oct18mummy · 29/09/2019 16:14

And that’s how he behaves when trying to make a good first impression, god knows what would happen when he relaxes into a relationship!

BradTomby · 29/09/2019 16:14

Can't believe you stayed and had something to eat with him.

Walk away, don't look back and feel relieved that you don't have to waste any more time on him.

Onwards and upwards OP!

CustardySergeant · 29/09/2019 16:15

OP, what do the "xx" and "Xx" in your posts mean?

womenspeakout · 29/09/2019 16:15

I can't believe you're talking to him today. He's clearly not worth your time.