Am I being unreasonable and selfish?

[PreludeIII]

Please tell me what you would do in this situation.

You've been up all night with a poorly child and are knackered.

Your husband slept in the spare room. In the morning he comes in and tells you what a shit nights sleep he's had.

You respond and tell him that perhaps he shouldn't say something like that given the horrendous night you've just had.

He then calls you selfish and that you're not interested in anyone else's situation, only yourself.

Am I selfish?! Or am I right in thinking that sometimes it's just better to keep your own tales of woe to yourself given someone has had it worse than you?

You're well within your rights to have a go at him for saying something so stupid

I think it's easy to get into a "I had worse sleep than you" competition. I don't mean that patronisingly.

You weren't wrong but he's allowed to say he didn't sleep well too.

Why is he sleeping in the spare room anyway? It's your turn tonight, and he can sleep with DC! If anyone's selfish, it's him.

Apparently he didn't sleep with us because when he came up there was no room in the bed.

To be honest when they are ill like that I'd rather be the one dealing with it as they want me anyway and I wouldn't be able to sleep knowing they were really sick. Husband can be a bit blase with anything illness related, he's very much 'oh they'll be fine' despite the fact that they really weren't fine last night

Tbh you both sound frazzled and grumpy. It's not a competition on who has suffered the most, why don't you just show a little kindness to each other.

My response is normally, “oh dear love I also had a shit night, let’s play bed tag all day. Me first!!”

I can see you've had a rough night and you must be feeling knackered. I think your frustration is actually about a lack of help rather than the actual surface issue. It can't really be that sympathy and support is only available for the person suffering the most - this would leave you with no support or sympathy ever in the global scale of things. So he can say he's had a rough night as long as he recognises that you may have had a worse night and as long as that's not an excuse to leave everything to you.

You’re both tired and grumpy.

You’ve been dealing with a sick child, he’s come to bed to find he’s been turfed out into the spare room.

Work it so that you have a few hours each to yourselves today.

Well he doesnt sound particularly interested in someone elses situation either! If hed asked how me and the kids were, said something like he was sorry we had such a rough night and he would do something so I could have a nap and mentioned that he had a shit sleep himself then fine. If it was the first thing he said when he came down then I would have had the same reaction as you. Its human nature to moan, but most people know not to moan about something when someone has had it worse than you. Eg you dont moan about having no pay rise to someone who has just lost their job, or moan about pregnancy to someone who has just lost a baby. Its insensitive. Of course they arent going to take it well and anyone with empathy can anticipate that.

To be fair I really dont like the 'you cant say you have it bad because I have it worse' game.

What's wrong with saying 'yeah me too, ds was up all night'.

I dont think either of you are wrong. I think you are both in that place where its competitive meaning.

Batshitbertha How about some kindness to the OP?

The thing is, the competitive tiredness thing can and does destroy relationships that were previously happy. That resentment is genuinely one of the unkindest things I've ever experienced in my own marriage and DH and I had to sit down together and agree not to engage in it any more because I could feel myself almost boiling with rage whenever he mentioned tiredness when the DC were little.

Give him some slack today even if you think he's being U. Ask him to do the same for you. The main thing is that you're both so tired your immediate reactions won't be the best ones, and both of you have to pull together to work through this and take the strain off one another where you can. Go back to bed for a couple of hours and rest, then offer him the same. Not because you're martyrs but because a little kindness is balm on a tired soul.

Your husband slept in the spare room. In the morning he comes in and tells you what a shit nights sleep he's had

That's terrible, so who was doing all the snoring that i heard all night long, whilst I was awake with [sick child]?

Surely it's obvious that the person who needed some TLC this morning is the OP? Not the person who slept in the spare room. Even if the mattress was lumpy or whatever, he wasn't dealing with an ill child all night.

I would imagine OP that this kind of behaviour is normal for your dh because it is hard to see this as a sudden drop in empathy levels.

What's he like normally? He sounds awful I am sorry to say.

I mean, really, who would say that to someone who was up all night with an ill child? It's just stupid.

I also think it's likely you did both have a shit nights sleep and are grumpy due to it.

It's not a competition to who has the worst sleep and I don't think it's right he's not allowed to mention his because yours was worse.

The normal reaction would be yeah me too, x was up all night.

I just feel like if he was the one who had been up every hour during the night, my opening line wouldn't be to whinge about how tired I was. But maybe that's just me?

I would have empathy for the person who had clearly had it worse. Again that's just me, I can see that many disagree so maybe I am in the wrong.

The "who has the right to be more tired" game.
Poisonous.
Let it go, it's not worth it.

Cant you have empathy for eachother?

"Oh no poor you , lets swap tonight-you have the DC and I will sleep in the spare room"
Accompanied by
Watch him back peddle

I think you were both being a bit unreasonable to be honest, but that's understandable given you're both shattered and grumpy.

It's not a competition. Yanbu and he's entirely unreasonable given you were the one actually awake with the ill kids throughout the night. Even if he did have a bad night's sleep that's on him. OK there wasn't enough room in the bed but he fucked off with his blasé 'everyone will be fine' act. Everything will probably be fine.... kids pick up viruses and feel poorly from to time but that doesn't detract from you wanting to be there for them. Tell him to get in the bin.

Is he always this cuntish?

If someone could tell me how to edit a text message so that names are removed I'll post what he's written to me this morning so you can judge how much of a twat he is, or not!

I can still remember when my DS was about 6 days old I was so exhausted, post C-section, painful nipples and crying with pain from breast feeding all night whilst my DH peacefully slept next to me, when he woke up he dared to tell me how exhausted he felt!!!
We do laugh about it now (7years later) but at the time I think I could have happily slapped him!

I hate competitive tiredness too, but when you are both tired it's an easy habit to get into.

It is a bit galling though, when your DH acts like the most exhausted, put upon person in history when the have had a day of doing what you have to every day of the week