Am I being unreasonable and selfish?

[PreludeIII]

Please tell me what you would do in this situation.

You've been up all night with a poorly child and are knackered.

Your husband slept in the spare room. In the morning he comes in and tells you what a shit nights sleep he's had.

You respond and tell him that perhaps he shouldn't say something like that given the horrendous night you've just had.

He then calls you selfish and that you're not interested in anyone else's situation, only yourself.

Am I selfish?! Or am I right in thinking that sometimes it's just better to keep your own tales of woe to yourself given someone has had it worse than you?

I’ve just had the same OP twin two year old toddlers with stinking colds so I’ve been up and down like the proverbial yo-yo all night to settle them.

DH slept like a rock through all of the crying and frustrations (from the twins) and came down this morning (not knowing how bad it was last night because he sleeps like the bloody dead!) and mentioned he felt as though he’d had no sleep. Now here’s where it’s different, he knows they have colds and knows I’ve had three nights in a row like this - so whilst he didn’t wake up last night I’m pretty certain he knows I had a rough time of it.

I just said yeah I’m feeling crap too, been up and down all night with DD and DS and didn’t get to sleep myself until 4.30am.

He replied with ah that is crap, sorry I didn’t hear them (and trust me he really didn’t, when my DH is asleep he is an absolute bastard to wake up - even when my waters broke!) and he said sorry I had to deal with all of it and thanked me.

If I’d jumped down his throat (and I have before in similar circumstances) I’d end up with a response similar to what you’ve had today.

I think after you’ve both calmed down - as I don’t think either of you are in the wrong really - have a conversation about recalibrating how you approach this with each other?

For instance - when my twins were small babies and DH was pretty useless (he admits this now) we’d end up in the competitive tiredness arguments and eventually I said something like this:

“When I get pissy at you commenting on your tiredness, it’s because there’s no obvious indication from you that I’m knackered too, so let’s agree that when we do mention it, we make sure to ask how the other one is feeling too? That’s all I need really.” He said that’s all he needs too and we try to keep it in mind, to acknowledge one another and try not to get het up over things that really aren’t worth the energy or time (especially when we’re both exhausted!)

As you well know, having a bad night makes all but absolute saints quite unreasonable. Maybe he wanted you to know that he wasn't happily snoozing away in comfort, not for sympathy, but as a sleep deprived attempt to show support and responding angrily when he is also least able to defuse it/let it go has led to him texting those responses?

So he's hurt his back and therefore likely did have a really bad night.

Maybe his night was as bad as yours but just in a different way or you didn't sleep much because you were looking after your child, he didn't sleep much because he was in pain.

Why did you have to make a competition out of it?

I know what you're saying about texting but things can escalate when trying to do it verbally and I just don't want our child to have to listen to that.

So you have a communication problem. That's something to try and sort out between you. Text is not the solution, clearly.

BTW I have more sympathy for him on hearing that he hurt his back. I hurt mine recently and was in agony. Needed 2 weeks off work. Barely able to take myself to the bathroom. I would sooooooo much rather have been up all night with a sick child. You seem to be cross at him for having said that. What if he was genuinely in pain? Would he win the competition then? And so you'd be the one who should not expect any empathy.

Snapping at each other this morning is understandable - you were both tired for different reasons and you both felt as though the other was insufficiently sympathetic.

However, carrying on the row by text, with time to think and reflect on your own contributions to the situation, is a bit of a worry. Once the initial frustration is out of the way, picking at each other and being passive-aggressive is just an unpleasant way to behave, from both of you (although, from the texts you've posted, it's not clear who started it up again).

There is no right or wrong, you can both be tired, and although it would have been nice for him to show some concern for you two before asking for sympathy himself, your insistence that you had a worse night is a little peevish and unnecessary. No amount of bickering will make you feel less tired but being kind to each other will make it much easier.

But I did have it worse! That's just a fact.
Unless you were both hooked up to a sleep machine that qualitatively puts numbers on sleep, then no, it’s not a fact. It’s all subjective.

You’ve stated he hurt his back. So you were both dealing with shit.

Own up that you expected your needs to come first, and you’re throwing an exhausted tantrum that they aren’t.

Ah, ok. I do have more sympathy for him given the back pain. I remember my Dad saying he had been awake all night crying because of back pain, it was that bad. I think NaviSprite has it, when you've both calmed down, discuss how you will both approach these situations differently in future.

Yeah he's shit. If he knows his child is ill he should've come in to check if you were ok and child was ok. He clearly knew you were looking after them and if his attitude is blasé during illness it's only because he knows it gets him out of doing anything.

I don't think blasé means uncaring necessarily.

Some people have a more relaxed attitude towards childhood illnesses than others. Some panic at the first hint of sickness and turn what is a normal cold into something akin to the plague. Others are happy to give a dose of Calpol and then just carry on.

Hard to tell which camp the op and her DH fall into. Maybe he is heartless and uncaring or maybe the op is hyper vigilant - who knows?

But I did have it worse! That's just a fact

No! That’s an opinion!

I think that if he hurt his back then he probably did have it worse than you, Op.

No sleep is awful, no sleep due to pain is a different thing altogether imo.

I'm still wondering if he would really be as bad as OP thinks as looking after an ill child.

Depending what was needed last night he may not have been able to do it anyway with his back.

Perhaps you need to trust him & let go a little...

Oh my god being a LP has it's bad points but I sure as hell don't miss the whole "Give me sympathy I have it sooo bad!", "Omg THIS is why I have it worse!!"

You need to respect and sympathise over each others crap, and do the hard work equally or the relationship will end up down the lav after 7 thousand similar situations to this one ^

Sorry, but you both come across as hard work OP and OP's husband.
Maybe you are a Superhero for coping with your poorly child but how does being snarky with your husband help you both to maintain a loving supportive partnership? I firmly believe that you need to practise being kind in order to receive kindness in return.

I think part of the problem here is that you're not listening and speaking kindly to each other, face to face. The texting thing is a bit weird and quite likely to be unhelpful, IMO.

Both of you need to acknowledge the other person's feelings before you can move forwards. Yes, he was thoughtless to launch into what a crap nights sleep he had but you could have acknowledged his feelings before mentioning your difficult night, instead of ignoring them and feeling wronged and getting angry because your night was so obviously much worse than his.

Do you want to be right or stay married?

If you're always looking for validation to be the Winner and in the Right in arguments, your relationship isn't going to be a long and happy one.
You both need to learn to communicate more effectively so that you can say what you want and get what you need without reducing it into a tit for tat of putdowns.

I stopped watching soaps on TV because they model really poor relationship behaviour. Being ace at Bitchy comebacks won't make you happy in the long term.

I don't use this term lightly but he's gas-lighting you to fuck!

Is he though? Without knowing about a pattern of behaviour, this may well be an ongoing issue. OP comments, But he does get very defensive and focussed on his feelings being heard at all times hence the text outburst. It could be he thinks he should be heard first, or, it could be that he feels he is never heard, that his feelings don’t matter and this is why he gets so upset about it. Only the OP can answer which it is but I couldn’t automatically jump to him being a twat about this. His texts don’t come across that way.

The crux of the OPs argument here is that her night, how she was, is more important than his, because she was the one in bed with a sick child. I’m not sure one bad night trumps another. Surely the grown up way to deal with this is to respond with “yeah, me too, it’s crap isn’t it, lazy day today?l

I think it was a preemptive strike

Get in there before you do so he doesn’t have to feel bad for not helping or for getting a decent amount of sleep

*I think it was a preemptive strike

Get in there before you do so he doesn’t have to feel bad for not helping or for getting a decent amount of sleep*
this
And so much more:
your feelings do not come anywhere to matching his in importance
he is not to be expected to contribute to child care in any way - ever
you are not to ever mention your own needs to him
...
The list is endless
It's win win all the way for him

your feelings do not come anywhere to matching his in importance
he is not to be expected to contribute to child care in any way - ever
you are not to ever mention your own needs to him

This seems to be like a big leap from the grumpy texts the OP has shown and the information we have about her OH. We know he's not a saint but it's very black ad white to paint him as so negative based on so very little information. Especially as she has described him as supportive in some aspects. Do people really leave their OH's for one such minor transgression? If so how is anyone ever with anyone? I've yet to meet anyone who hasn't done a whole lot worst than grumpily said they're tired with their OH may in fact be more tired.

@StoppinBy a sleepless night From a poorly child is a lot easier than one spent in pain with a bad back.
She probably wouldn't have gone back to
Bed, she'd have carried on trying to be a martyr and only wanting she own feeling heard and not that of her husband.

Well I can't believe this thread. I think he was an insensitive prick from the get go.
My concerns are around his selfishness and possible jealousy of your child. Did he express concern for your sick child? Or just himself?

I cant believe it either
I would most certainly offer to swap tonight and see how happy he is.

I did say to him this morning "I don't think DC should be going to school tomorrow" and he responded by bluntly saying "that's your choice"

Which to me, just sums up the difference in our parenting approach when it comes to illness. I'm not being hysterical but our DC has an ongoing health problem and when they're ill, it can get pretty bad.

He would clearly be happy to send them off packing to school tomorrow!

But I did have it worse! That's just a fact.

It is also your choice.

Not really. For most mothers, if the choice is between looking after your poorly child who really wants you, or leaving him to a father with a blasé "he'll be fine" attitude to child care, it isn't really a choice at all.

"If he had just timed it differently, I would have reacted differently."

You can't blame him for your reaction though.

His child is quite poorly, his wife has been up all night looking after his child, but rather than ask now either of them are, his first reaction is to moan about his bad night. She then points out that she had a horrendous night, and his first reaction to that is to accuse her of being selfish.

OP can definitely blame him for what led to her reaction.

Interesting that, despite his bad night, he didn't hear OP or his child. That rather suggests that it wasn't as bad as he makes out, or he was cultivating deliberate deafness.

But his get out of jail free card is to say "of course if I'd heard I would have been straight in to help"

This also happens a lot in our relationship, if he's called out on something he will justify and argue his point rather than just saying "I was wrong"

She then points out that she had a horrendous night, and his first reaction to that is to accuse her of being selfish.

That's not what happened though as it clear in the OP.

This also happens a lot in our relationship, if he's called out on something he will justify and argue his point rather than just saying "I was wrong"

Maybe he doesn't agree that he's wrong. Do you expect him to roll over and see things your way? Do you mean argue his point or state his point? There are people on this thread who think you're in the wrong and you've argued your point with them. How is that different?