Am I being unreasonable and selfish?

[PreludeIII]

Please tell me what you would do in this situation.

You've been up all night with a poorly child and are knackered.

Your husband slept in the spare room. In the morning he comes in and tells you what a shit nights sleep he's had.

You respond and tell him that perhaps he shouldn't say something like that given the horrendous night you've just had.

He then calls you selfish and that you're not interested in anyone else's situation, only yourself.

Am I selfish?! Or am I right in thinking that sometimes it's just better to keep your own tales of woe to yourself given someone has had it worse than you?

I’m amazed that no one else seems to be interpreting the language he uses in those texts as him being a completely childish, melodramatic arsehole. If he was annoyed there are many more mature ways he could have communicated it.

It’s all ‘You don’t give a shit about me’, “I suppose I’m not supposed to have any feelings” “Excuse me for thinking for one second you might be able to think about me” blah blah blah.

Honestly, if my DH sent me messages like that I’d struggle not to laugh in his face.

He sounds jealous, OP. Combined with that and the bed sharing issue, I think he struggles with not being your no. 1 priority so he’s stamping his feet for attention.

This also happens a lot in our relationship, if he's called out on something he will justify and argue his point rather than just saying "I was wrong"

And by the looks of your posts and your text messages you also will stand your ground rather than immediately cave and say you were wrong.

IMO you were both U. You had no empathy for his bad night and he had no empathy for yours.

If two people have a shit night it shouldn't be that only the one who has the shittest (which itself is objective) gets to moan about it. You should both be able to moan about it then pull one another through with strong tea and mutual sympathy and whatever else is needed.

Okay after reading your updates since my last comment I can see that there's an imbalance in who takes care of your DC (especially when ill) and I absolutely understand your frustrations to the "if i'd heard i'd have come to help" as my DH used this excuse a lot when our twins were tiny.

As for whether the child goes to school or not when unwell, his response "that's your choice" is a terrible attitude on the face of it.

When DH and I had our big talk about him pulling his weight as a parent to our children I asked why he left all decisions about them to me, he replied that whenever he did try to be the decision maker he often felt shot down by me (it still happens on occasion). I explained that as I was the main care giver to our DC there are things I am bound to know from experience that he doesn't and whenever I came across as dismissive I didn't intend it that way. He then said something quite simple, let me have DC on certain evenings after work and if I ask for advice give it, if I don't ask, please don't comment. I got very annoyed at first but then tried to see it from his perspective, I did as he asked and his approach to parenting has improved since.

My point in raising the above is (and only you know the answer to this one) has your DH always left childcare to you as "womens work" or has he tried at various stages to become involved but it's waned over time?

If it's the first then he needs a kick up the arse about his mentality towards you and your DC, if it's the latter maybe he needs to talk about it (reasonably - not throw a childish tantrum or get wound up because he's defensive).

It seems that communication really is the sticking point here, does he often feel like you're attacking him when you raise an issue? Does he tend to lean towards being defensive any time a perceived slight is raised against his moral character? If he is then I can understand how difficult it is for you @PreludeIII as it does make it very much like bashing your head against a brick wall.

Oh no OP don't argue by text message! You may think your child won't notice it but they will. Texts are SO easy to misinterpret, you're missing out on all the body language cues which could have de-escalated a situation. Don't do it! Hold on to it and try to discuss it (as calmly as possible) in person where you can respond to each others' emotional distress instead of being able to ignore it in favour of making your point.

I have so much sympathy for you, getting shitty sleep is easily the worst thing about early years parenting. Try not to engage in the shit sleep competition. He's being a knob right now but it's not worth it. Sympathise with his shit sleep, add that you also had a shit night - hopefully he'll sympathise too. Give each other sympathy and support and take turns to nap if you can. I hope your DC is much better tonight!