Am I being unreasonable and selfish?

[PreludeIII]

Please tell me what you would do in this situation.

You've been up all night with a poorly child and are knackered.

Your husband slept in the spare room. In the morning he comes in and tells you what a shit nights sleep he's had.

You respond and tell him that perhaps he shouldn't say something like that given the horrendous night you've just had.

He then calls you selfish and that you're not interested in anyone else's situation, only yourself.

Am I selfish?! Or am I right in thinking that sometimes it's just better to keep your own tales of woe to yourself given someone has had it worse than you?

@Jamal988 A lot of peeps won’t agree with this but I always think when I read stuff like this, why did yall have kids, did you think they’d sleep all night and everything would be trouble free? It’s part the package so deal with it and stop moaning!

Agreed! Or having kids with a person who won’t pull their weight. I think people make a rod for their own backs much of the time!

@Bluntness100 You're usually the sensible sort. Is that what you really gather from this thread?!

It's not a competition. You can both be tired without one outdoing the other.

It's not a competition, he may have had a bad sleep etc but my sympathy for you was gone when you said you wouldn't sleep in the spare room and let DH take over as you wouldn't sleep anyway as you'd worry. What's he supposed to do to support you then?

@SherbetSaucer 👏🏼
Exactly! Also forgot to add what you just said, or why marry someone who won’t pull their weight. Too right!

A lot of peeps won’t agree with this but I always think when I read stuff like this, why did yall have kids, did you think they’d sleep all night and everything would be trouble free? It’s part the package so deal with it and stop moaning!

Because wires get frayed from time to time. We don't know what the OP's relationship was like before they had kids. Kids test even the strongest of relationships and indeed this is all par for the course but you're looking at it from the wrong perspective, in my view. Imagine they all had a lovely evening, dinner a few drinks and the kid wasn't ill and everyone slept well. This is just one of those things but rather than accepting that, the OP's husband is gas-lighting her into trying to accept he is right and she is wrong when OP is clearly in the right. Now she's doubting herself which is exactly what her husband wants her to do. Set the stage so that regardless of OP having sleepless nights awake with their boy, she should still know-tow to him. Fuck that.

I don’t think that text conversation is indicative of a particularly healthy relationship, OP. What’s he like the rest of the time?

Why are people assuming he had a shit nights sleep? Presumably if the OP has guests they sleep in the spare room bed and don't get up whinging about not sleeping? On nights where my youngest was sick for days on end my DH sleeps in the spare room precisely because he can sleep in there instead of being constantly woken by a sick child.

I would be annoyed too if my DH whinged about a shitty nights sleep when he had no one but himself to worry about all night long and I had been up all night with a sick kid.

I guess by definition you are both being selfish but in this situation he was wrong and given the benefit of a good, quiet nights sleep should have been checking how he could help you not whinging about himself.

I must say, he does pull his weight. I can't knock him for that.

But he does get very defensive and focussed on his feelings being heard at all times hence the text outburst.

I was never trying to turn this into a tiredness competition, I think he managed that just fine by himself.

*kow-tow to him

@Greggers2017 ..... get up in the morning and suggest the OP goes and has a nap instead of whinge he is tired would be my suggestion as to what he could do.

You've got every right to be annoyed at him.

Being up during the night caring for a sick child is not comparible to being asleep alone shut away in a spare room. It just isn't.

My DH once made a similar comment in a similar situation. I set out pretty clearly how our nights had differed and suggested he think about it a bit. I think it genuinely came as a bit of a surprise to him that I was annoyed by his comment.

OP, if you can get some sleep today. Hand over the childcare to him or point out that you will sleep in the spare room tonight and he can be up with the sick child, as it's his turn.

OK so we all tell you your husband's a cunt and then what...?

I never understand what people hope to gain from these kind of threads. Literally just a load of people on the internet calling their husband a wanker?

Also, whatever moral high ground you could have claimed I feel is lost by posting your texts for other people to pick over. For a site that bangs on about betrayal, if my husband posted an argument for people to see...I would not be happy.

Anyway, yeah, your husband sounds like kind of a dick I guess? Hope that helps.

@Bluntness100 I agree with you
I remember reading about the partner married to someone with a life limiting illness. They said they could never complain if they were ill because it was always minor compared to a terminal illness.
Tiredness competitions are silly. I think it is important to acknowledge each other's feelings.

If he was up/awake too did he come in and help with sick child? No?

Tbh OP your texts read worse than his.

You've both had shit nights for whatever reason and are shattered, but you turned it in to a competition.

Honestly, I just don't get people like this.

It's not a competition of who's more tired. It's like, I'm full of a cold now, and feel like shit. Yeah, not the worst illness in the world, and I'll be right as rain in a few days. My friend has a very serious illness, yet she sent me a text this morning asking how I felt. None of this "How DARE you have a problem when I too have a problem that is worse than your problem".

I get that you're frustrated because your child is ill, but you've said yourself you would rather be the one to look after them. Tossing and turning all night is no fun, regardless of why. He should be able to make a comment without you biting his head off, turning it into a massive text war, and creating a thread online to take a vote about which one of you is being unreasonable.

There seems to be a lot more to this.

Him saying that he had a shit night's sleep (was he on the floor, is it an uncomfortable bed?), doesn't mean that you didn't also.

But to me to tell him that he shouldn't say that because you were awake all night seems such an overreaction.

Wouldn't you just say "yeah, me too, I know what you mean" or something?

Do they really read worse? I really didn't think I was turning it into a competition, rather that perhaps it would have been best to save the 'I've had such a shit night' comments until later or at least ask how we both are before talking about himself!

The texts were only shared to give a bit more context to the post. Not to create some kind of voting war on who is the biggest wanker.

I was genuinely interested to know if others thought I was being unreasonable. Some have said yes, some have said no which is fair enough!

@PreludeIII Do they really read worse? I really didn't think I was turning it into a competition, rather that perhaps it would have been best to save the 'I've had such a shit night' comments until later or at least ask how we both are before talking about himself!

Your texts read a lot worse. He sounds more reasonable than you. You should like hard work to be honest.

He would be very pleased to hear that!

I don't think there was anything massively wrong with saying he had a shit night as his first comment of the day, he's human, he's tired, it's going to be on his mind, even if your night was much worse. I think he overreacted to your response and needed to show empathy and support at that point, not lecture you about how right he is.

I thought his texts were okay to be honest. You are both tired and while people telling you you're right may make you feel better, it doesn't help your relationship. Competitive tiredness or illness just makes everyone feel rubbish.

I have a friend with a young baby and I have a fatigue related illness and insomnia, so I might get two hours sleep a night, if that and then can't move the following day. But if I ever said I was tired to my friend then she would bite my head off, or roll her eyes and tell me I didn't know what being tired was. I don't talk as much to her these days because she is so trapped in her own exhaustion and hardships that she has no space for mine. Whereas if she just said, yeah, it is really crap just now then we both acknowledge we are shattered and sympathise together.

I am not saying it is the same for you of course, but you say he pulls his weight and you wouldn't want him to take over with the children anyway. So why not just say you both alternate a few hours looking after the children so the other can get more sleep.

He's right, you're selfish. Leaving aside the fact that it's not a competition, how do you know he didn't have a worse night's sleep than you?

The appropriate response from you would have been, 'me too, let's just have an easy day today eh? Who gets first kid watching duty while the other tries to get a bit more sleep?'