Am I being unreasonable and selfish?

[PreludeIII]

Please tell me what you would do in this situation.

You've been up all night with a poorly child and are knackered.

Your husband slept in the spare room. In the morning he comes in and tells you what a shit nights sleep he's had.

You respond and tell him that perhaps he shouldn't say something like that given the horrendous night you've just had.

He then calls you selfish and that you're not interested in anyone else's situation, only yourself.

Am I selfish?! Or am I right in thinking that sometimes it's just better to keep your own tales of woe to yourself given someone has had it worse than you?

Do they really read worse?

They do to me. It reads like your DH said he'd had a shit night and you responded with a "shut up, how dare you, I've had it much worse than you".

You've said yourself that you prefer it this way because you feel you deal with the kids illnesses better, so turning it in to a "who had it worse" competition is a bit odd.

He then calls you selfish and that you're not interested in anyone else's situation, only yourself

Ask him what interest he thinks he's demonstrated in your situation, which he must be well aware is likely to have been worse than his.

“He's right, you're selfish. Leaving aside the fact that it's not a competition, how do you know he didn't have a worse night's sleep than you?”
Because he was in a bed on his own without fretful poorly children. Even if he couldn’t sleep he could read or watch something in peace. A normal person’s greeting to the OP would have been “How are [the children?] you must be knackered- go back to bed for a while and I’ll watch telly with them- I didn’t sleep brilliantly either”

But I did have it worse! That's just a fact.

I don't expect a medal or for him to fall over himself with gratitude, but just an acknowledgment before he starts talking about himself is surely reasonable?

At no point did I tell him to shut up or how dare he etc.

No, your texts really don't read worse than his, assuming your account of events is correct. He seems to be implying that you were talking about your bad night, and when he then said he too had had a bad night you got grumpy and tried to shut him down. Whereas my understanding of what happened is that he is the one who came in and instantly started moaning about his bad night, without showing any awareness that OP would have had a considerably worse night and showing any interest in that. If your version is correct, then it does look like he's indulging in a bit of massaging of the facts, and even gaslighting.

I think he’s realised how insensitive he was but can’t possibly admit that to you so he’s projecting his guilt onto you and making you out as the bad guy.

In this situation I would suggest you both agree to disagree for the rest of the day and when you’re both feeling better , sit down and tell him how you feel, take it in turns and be respectful of each other.

The fact that the dh has missed is that it’s not only wakefulness with a sick child, it’s worry and it’s caring and it’s physically looking after another human. Not comparable to having a “bad night’s sleep in the spare bed”. It just isn’t.

This is ridiculous.

OP you did post the texts to get more people on board with your point of view

You are tired. He is tired. You having a worse night doesnt make him less tired. Him having a bad nights sleep doesnt make you less tired.

His comment was about him being tired. It wasnt a judgment on how tried you were or werent.

He normally pulls his weight. He came and made a comment and you shit back with 'but I had it worse'. You did turn it into a competition.

But neither of you are shitty people. You are both just tired. Theres so many better ways to resolve this than playing the 'who has it worse' game.

I’d be pissed off too. He comes across as really self centred.
I would expect the first thing he should say is ‘how’s dc?’ Not state what a crappy night he’s had and then create a drama because he didn’t get a aw poor you response.

Jeez, are posters hard of thinking today? Op says she prefers to look after the children as he has a laissez afire, they’ll be fine, attitude to illness. I’m sure if her DH showed competence in this area she would be more than happy to swap night shifts. The op can’t do right for doing wrong, it seems.

The issue is he doesn’t pull his weight when children are ill and he doesn’t appreciate the OP stepping up and covering for him as well as fulfilling her own role.

Is he usually dismissive of you OP?

But I did have it worse! That's just a fact.

It is also your choice.

Two comments from your H stand out

I will try to learn not to talk to you about what has happened to me until later on in the day

and

not be interested, in fact be angry, that someone else dare have a bad night too.

That reads, to me, as someone who has their feelings dismissed regularly.

I posted the texts because I felt his were overly dramatic and passive aggressive and I am just trying to get some perspective here.

I am happy to be told if I reacted badly or was out of order in some way, not to massage my own ego.

If he had just timed it differently, I would have reacted differently. Yes he does have form for this kind of thing.

Doesn't think before he speaks etc, which does cause problems.

I’m sure if her DH showed competence in this area

We don't know that he doesn't show competence, only that he doesn't care for them in the same way the OP does and she believes her way is better.

I think this is badly been blown out of proportion now! You both slept badly for various reasons. He probably shouldn't have expected sympathy for his bad night but now to have a full blown argument about it seems a bit OTT . I'm not sure who is making a drama about it but it's the argument that is making you both look bad.

He's an idiot.

But - maybe it's time to get a new bed for the spare room. Presumably your guests also have a bad night's sleep.

Sorry for misunderstading earlier. It was hard to follow half a conversation. His texts were angry. Yours was a little passive aggressive. You both want some sympathy and empathy. Neither of you feel you are getting any and to be honest I think you are both right and both wrong. This is a symptom of a deeper problem in your relationship which I think your competitive stance is contributing to, as is your husband's reactions. The fist thing I'd suggest is never try and sort this out via text. It's not a way to communicate, it's just being used to berate each other and will only ever make things worse.

I am venting on here because I don't want to carry on, what is essentially a stupid argument, in front of our child.

Re being competent and dealing with illness, his judgement isn't always the best. I also wouldn't be able to sleep knowing that they were crying and in pain, which is why I choose to deal with it, not because I'm a martyr

I know what you're saying about texting but things can escalate when trying to do it verbally and I just don't want our child to have to listen to that.

I actually agree with you OP. If he was awake, listening to you looking after his & your sick child, why on earth didn’t he come & help? I would be extremely miffed.

"If he had just timed it differently, I would have reacted differently."

You can't blame him for your reaction though.

I thunk he should be able to say that he had a sht night's sleep witout being turned on.

In what way can't he look after sick kids?

Perhaps he needs to learn?

Would he be endangering them or is it that he doesn't do what you would?

I just asked why he didn't come in and help if he was awake?

He said because he didn't actually hear anything. If he had, that he would have come in to help.

The reason he had a bad night was because he hurt his back earlier on in the day......

his judgement isn't always the best. I also wouldn't be able to sleep knowing that they were crying and in pain, which is why I choose to deal with it, not because I'm a martyr

No OP, this does make you a martyr.

You're complaining that your H dare say he has had a bad night because you've had it so much worse, because you won't trust him to look after a sick DC in exactly the way you want him to.

It's the very definition of a martyr!

He's a total shit husband and father.
Ask for this to be moved to relationships where the posters may have a better grasp of what you are saying.
Meantime read this , and research gaslighting (even watch the film Gaslight).

@PreludeIII you last post mentions he had hurt his back earlier in the day. Ofcourse he is entitled to speak out as well if he had a bad night.
Like others said you need to show kindness to each other. Not have this competition.
From your post it does seem like you want to be a martyr. What is this with he shouldn't have said it first etc. You both are partners and along with kids you need to show love and kindness to each other. You said it yourself he pulls his weight ... so ask him to keep the kids at night.
I sometimes come up late and DH and kids have taken up all the space in bed so I sleep in the spare room. I will find it very selfish if he is rude to me on the morning.

@Mythologies

Reading a situation differently, reacting differently and having a different opinion on that situation is not gaslighting.