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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp says we're sexually incompatible because I can't climax from penetrative sex

420 replies

JustWonderful · 28/09/2019 17:25

He has implied if we split he 'd meet a woman who does.

I think that's delusional - because most women (who don't fake) can 't climax from penetrating sex. I read 75% or higher of the female population.

Aibu?

OP posts:
cccameron · 29/09/2019 08:52

Your DPs attitude is not great however from your later posts it seems that you have explored other things that have not resulted in you orgasming so I imagine it will be frustrating for him as well that he is completely unable to satisfy you.

You say that you haven't come with any other boyfriend so it's not clear whether you have not been sexually compatible with any of them or whether there is something else at play. Do you come quickly and easily with masturbation? Sounds like that course omgyes might really benefit you. Or would you both consider sex therapy?

ittakes2 · 29/09/2019 08:58

He doesn't sound like a keeper. Just leave him, not worth wasting any more time with him. Find someone nice!

Unknownanon · 29/09/2019 09:00

He sounds pretty defensive about not being able to get you to orgasm at the moment. If he's going to be lazy and lackluster what does he expect? It's ok for him to have his orgasm by penetration but he can't be arsed to put in the effort for you?

Fuck that shit. Only lousy lays and selfish people have that attitude. Both would be enough of a turn off to take sex off the table for me!

My friend used to keep her vibrator in the bedroom and when her dh became selfish like this, she took care of herself after. Blatantly so. He was embarrassed and furious the first time but she pointed out that she was entitled to an orgasm too and if he wasn't willing to oblige then she would and that he was lucky she still enjoyed penetrative sex or she wouldn't do it.

Hey1256 · 29/09/2019 09:03

YANBU, I've had sex with more men than just my husband and climaxed during full sex maybe three times in my whole life!! I just don't climax so I would fall into your statistic but why does it matter if you're still enjoying the sex?

Sounds like his ego is a little out of control

happycamper11 · 29/09/2019 09:13

I usually climax during penetrative sex but it's not because of the penetration it's a specific position where there is correct contact with the clitoris and (sorry for tmi) DP must attend to the nipples for the duration otherwise it's the same as you and the sensation seems to go. Sadly after Bf 2 dc these aren't as sensitive as they were so it's less easy than it used to be. I'm not a fan of foreplay or of using fingers during penetration as i find the direct pressure too intense.

user1472709746 · 29/09/2019 09:29

is it just me that finds it a turn off and distracting to have to try to constant my instruct?

It's a turn off if you're still having to do it years into a relationship. I had to do this for the first months or two with dp. He wanted to put the effort in and now he can make me climax in a few minutes.

If he is making you feel like it's a chore to learn what you like that will most likely limit your ability to enjoy it

user1472709746 · 29/09/2019 09:37

"is it just me that finds it a turn off and distracting to have to try to constant my instruct?"

It's a turn off if you're still having to do it years into a relationship. I had to do this for the first months or two with dp. He wanted to put the effort in and now he can make me climax in a few minutes.

If he is making you feel like it's a chore to learn what you like that will most likely limit your ability to enjoy it

(Didn't bold previous post)

nevergotthehangofthursdays · 29/09/2019 09:43

is it just me that finds it a turn off and distracting to have to try to constant my instruct?

You're probably picking up that he isn't interested enough in you to improve his technique. Now that isn't just a turn-off, it's a deal-breaker.

longwayoff · 29/09/2019 10:03

Good luck to him finding a woman who climaxes from straightforward penetration, you'll be stuck with this charmer forever whilst he's searching. Maybe time for a change?

dontgobaconmyheart · 29/09/2019 10:17

Your DP is a sexist moron who knows nothing about women but at the same time thinks they exist to fall at their feet for his amazing penis OP, because his ego requires that to function. What's the appeal?

There's nothing wrong with you OP, not orgasming through penetration is a normal thing, I assume even more so when the person you're shagging is embarrassing and emotionally abusive.

He's taking his problems and pathetic views about his expectations of women out on you OP. Suggesting he'd leave you in order that he can be at the helm of a woman so he can really feel power over you he can't get with you is grim- I'd just leave. Let him go to someone else if he doesn't appreciate any other aspect of a relationship enough that isn't that, as if he's be able to tell if she were faking or not anyway with the limited knowledge he has Confused

Cautionsharpblade · 29/09/2019 10:39

Good luck to him finding a woman who climaxes from straightforward penetration

If the OP is right and 25% of women do climax from PIV (I’ve no idea how true this statistic is) that means his search is narrowed down to nearly 1 billion women worldwide. It’s hardly a needle in a haystack is it?

Whattodoabout · 29/09/2019 10:42

Most women can’t so good luck to him finding a woman who can!

I ‘learnt’ to do it with one partner but now just can’t do it again. No idea what it was about that particular person, probably sounds bonkers but the only thing different about him to others was the size of his nob- it was smaller rather than bigger though Confused.

FizzyGreenWater · 29/09/2019 10:55

Bottom line - from readaing your descriptions he just doesn't sound very good in bed, and he probably has an inkling that that might be the case (you having to instruct and him still not getting you there, clearly not happening from PIV, etc.)

So he's eager to put that back on you.

What he claims probably translates as he has had experiences before where his partner has climaxed during sex.

However your talk of how he approaches PIV (not even oral) would tell me that there's no way he's likely to have been giving previous partners regular orgasms.

He probably knows that too!

Eeek.

Original poster
JustWonderful · 29/09/2019 11:05

that means his search is narrowed down to nearly 1 billion women worldwide. It’s hardly a needle in a haystack is it?

That's the point I presume he was making; unresponsive to me saying "wise up, if we're sexually incompatible because I don't climax from penetrative sex, then you're incompatible with most women and if we were to split youd background finding someone who does" ... I e "well overcome across (no pun intended) two who have so far so I would have a decent chance again".

OP posts:
Original poster
JustWonderful · 29/09/2019 11:06

*in response to me saying ...

OP posts:
Original poster
JustWonderful · 29/09/2019 11:08
  • your have trouble finding. Typing on this effing tablet is doing my head in
OP posts:
Original poster
JustWonderful · 29/09/2019 11:12

Suggesting he'd leave you in order that he can be at the helm of a woman

I've really phrased this poorly in my opinion and am never going to have to stop correcting it, am I.

He didnt suggest that, I said if we were to split he would have serious trouble finding a woman different from me ... And he said he doesn't agree, he's been with two who did climax from pen sex.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustWonderful · 29/09/2019 11:12
  • my op
OP posts:
Botanic · 29/09/2019 11:13

I’d mess with any man who said this. I’d tell him I could wit other men, but for some reason with them I couldn’t. Query maybe they were bigger, or had a better rhythm or something...

Then I’d leave him.

Original poster
JustWonderful · 29/09/2019 11:15

DP must attend to the nipples for the duration*

Grin

I don't know why but I found the phrasing there funny, sounds so formal

OP posts:
Original poster
JustWonderful · 29/09/2019 11:27

You say that you haven't come with any other boyfriend so it's not clear whether you have not been sexually compatible with any of them or whether there is something else at play.

No I haven't climaxed during penetrating sex with any partner. I've tried masturbating during it with maybe two of them (Inc my dp) and I felt almost no sensation clitorally in any position and it didn't work. I have not tried a vibrator (clitorally) during sex
And planned to but our sex life has really tanked for various reasons (poorly sleeping baby/toddler among them). I suspect though that it might be similar to trying to masturbate while being penetrated, my clitoral weirdly loses almost all feeling.

Do you come quickly and easily with masturbation?

Yes. If i'm doing it with a partner there, it would take much longer.

Sounds like that course omgyes might really benefit you. Or would you both consider sex therapy?

Will look into the former, thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustWonderful · 29/09/2019 11:30

Not with me. You get one chance. If you're bad, you're not welcome back.

But clearly there are lots of women not like you - or so many men wouldn't be so white and clueless sexually. I've been with two older men for example and they acted like the contours didn't exist and would constantly return to fingering me, no matter how many times I said I wouldn't come from it.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustWonderful · 29/09/2019 11:33

*shite not white Grin

OP posts:
Andysbestadventure · 29/09/2019 11:34

Not true tbh OP. It's not that they can't most if not all of us biologically can. It's that we don't have the right shape or fit of cock to hit the right spot for each individual, or the bloke doesn't last long enough. Or a combination of one or both just being shit at sex.

Husband isn't huge, I can ride him and orgasm from penatrative sex within minutes. Black-out kind of orgasm.

Ex's were huge, long, thick, wide, donkeys, whatever... Couldn't orgasm that way with them even if I tried til I was blue in the face.

So ultimately, the problem is his cock! 😁 Not you!

Trills · 29/09/2019 11:38

Most women who could climax from penetration still wouldn't want to be with a man who did nothing except penetrate.