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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp says we're sexually incompatible because I can't climax from penetrative sex

420 replies

JustWonderful · 28/09/2019 17:25

He has implied if we split he 'd meet a woman who does.

I think that's delusional - because most women (who don't fake) can 't climax from penetrating sex. I read 75% or higher of the female population.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Starcat25 · 29/09/2019 07:13

l'd be asking him why, in that case, they were exes if he's so damn good in bed.....

I don't know about one but I know the other was a bit unstable and nasty ... Confirmed by other people*

Ummmm is that because he’s shit in bed and she’s dealing with a selfish boyfriend? He doesn’t exactly make a woman happy does he?

PenelopeChipShop · 29/09/2019 07:24

I can’t believe there are still men like this around!! You’re absolutely right that most women don’t come from penetrative sex and there’s a great book that goes into detail on male and female orgasm. It’s cslled ‘Come as you are’. Read it yourself then show it to him!

On a side note the sexiest thing I think a man has ever said to me is ‘let’s do you’ (and then done something about it that absolutely didn’t involve his penis). It isn’t difficult not to be a selfish arse.

ticking · 29/09/2019 07:24

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/G-spot

I think this is the area we are talking about.....I suspect having given birth I am now modelled differently internally so now it happens whereas pre-dc it didn't

Original poster
JustWonderful · 29/09/2019 07:25

I don't know about one but I know the other was a bit unstable and nasty ... Confirmed by other people

Ummmm is that because he’s shit in bed and she’s dealing with a selfish boyfriend? He doesn’t exactly make a woman happy does he?*

Sorry, are you saying this ex was unstable and nasty because he was shi t in bed and selfish?

I would not imagine so, no. Her behaviour seems to have been long-term unstable and she was not well liked by anyone I've spoken to (these are people who knew her independently of him - it's a small place). She did some very strange things when drunk (drinking seems to have been a problem for her) including hitting him with a wine glass on the head, essentially smashing it over his head, again corroborated by others.

Slight detail from the main subject of his, I think, d delusion 're penetrating sex but not all women are angels & victims all the time you know.

I felt sorry for her because she seemed to have issues that kept fk g up her potential and seemed to be becoming one of those people who are (not) solving their problems with bottle after bottle of wine.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustWonderful · 29/09/2019 07:29

I think we can all agree that, even if you were dealing with a selfish, shi t in bed partner - smashing glass over someone 's head is probably not a reasonable response. And that's part of a long line of weird behaviour that I've heard about.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustWonderful · 29/09/2019 07:31

She was/is also nearly ten years older. She may have been going for younger because a lot of the men around her age (again, small place) were aware of her behaviour and reputation.

OP posts:
malificent7 · 29/09/2019 07:33

Just dump him...
So hows he going to find out if these women climax or not?
How can you bear to go near him now? Dump.

Original poster
JustWonderful · 29/09/2019 07:34

The other woman, as I said - went back to the car of her child. You can't really compete in those circumstances but in any case I don't think with her of them took the (new) relationship v seriously and were they were both essentially on the rebound.

OP posts:
itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 29/09/2019 07:35

Maybe tell him if he lasted longer you would climax 🤔

Original poster
JustWonderful · 29/09/2019 07:37

So hows he going to find out if these women climax or not?

I'm aware I phrased things badly in my op, but have clarified it a couple of times.

He did not say he would split in order to find a woman who can climax from pen sex ... i said if we split it was likely the next woman he was with would not; he disagreed.

OP posts:
stucknoue · 29/09/2019 07:39

He sounds like a typical deluded man. This complaint was one of a long list of inadequacies by stbexh cited, not adventurous enough, I should watch porn to get ideas etc etc. Men eh!

Original poster
JustWonderful · 29/09/2019 07:40

Maybe tell him if he lasted longer you would climax 🤔

That's not a problem, almost the opposite.

Plus it wouldn't matter if he (or any man) had pen sex with me for ten hours - I don't climax from it. (Or haven't to date).

OP posts:
Original poster
JustWonderful · 29/09/2019 07:42

Same with the suggestions that I make snarky comments about dick size; it would be ridiculous and pointless because he's not small dicked and knows that.

OP posts:
Karwomannghia · 29/09/2019 07:45

I think he said it in defence of you bringing up a failing of his which he then turned into being a failing of yours (which it’s not). He should be sorting you out whichever way after. Must be incredibly frustrating.

Chocolatedaim · 29/09/2019 07:48

Honestly porn has a lot to answer for. So many grown adults thinking there is an issue with their sex lives because their only point of reference is fake and grossly exaggerated.

You ANBU OP, but you’re DH. He needs to manage his expectations and realise ex’s were most likely faking.

Not climaxing during penetrative sex doesn’t make the experience any less enjoyable though.

Original poster
JustWonderful · 29/09/2019 07:48

absolutely right that most women don’t come from penetrative sex and there’s a great book that goes into detail on male and female orgasm. It’s cslled ‘Come as you are’. Read it yourself then show it to him!

Will do, sounds worth a read.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustWonderful · 29/09/2019 07:58

I think he said it in defence of you bringing up a failing of his which he then turned into being a failing of yours (which it’s not). He should be sorting you out whichever way after. Must be incredibly frustrating.

Any past attempt to get him to bring me off with fingers or oral was not successful - I got bored/frustrated and we stopped. The photographs I've had with him have been me masturbating (for lack of a less clinical term) while he sucked rtf my boobs - well.nipples.I

I suppose i can understand why someone would not because enthusiastic about trying to get someone off orally or manually if it hasn't work before.

However I do feel like there's an underlying lack of determination there too, it's not all lack of confidence & feeling of futility.

I should note I have not had any previous partner bring me off those ways either, which he knows - so he probably thinks "it's not me".

I imagine his "incompatibility" view is based on the above plus him having by had two partners who did climax during sex with him. There's no point in posters repeatedly saying they faked .. It's clear from this thread that some women do. And I believe him when he says that at least one would have let him know quite aggressively if she hadntnclimaxed.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustWonderful · 29/09/2019 07:59

Photographs?! At

Orgasms.

There are no photographs. Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
JustWonderful · 29/09/2019 08:00

Apologies for tyoos, this tablet is so shit to type on.

OP posts:
December2019 · 29/09/2019 08:01

He sounds like a twat... maybe you should find somebody who appreciates your vagina!!
Incompatible... maybe he's just shit in the sack!

Fweakout · 29/09/2019 08:09

So you have only managed to come with him if you're essentially doing it? Maybe you're not in the right place mentally with him? I can orgasm from piv with the right physical and mental preparation but it's by no means guaranteed.

I can see you might both be rather frustrated if things generally aren't working sexually. I think him writing you off as incompatible is a bit mean but he probably doesn't know what to do.

it is perfectly likely that in a new relationship with a different spark you with a different man, or he with a new partner of his, could orgasm more easily.

That's not the point though - the issue is whether you both want to improve things for yourselves now. Sounds like you're both fault finding a bit?

KickUpTheArse82 · 29/09/2019 08:10

How do you think he’d feel if it was difficult for him to finish so you just stopped trying? Outraged I’m sure. Yes, most women need more effort to orgasm. In a longterm relationship there’s no excuse for not figuring out what your partner needs.

As for g spots / regions suddenly appearing after birth, I’m not sure it’s birth that does it but it does seem to become possible for some women in their 30s when it wasn’t before. Possibly something to do with knowing their body better, being less self conscious / more relaxed during sex, more able to have orgasms that then get them into a place where the g region can be located.

You do need to be very aroused in order to find it and initially it can feel too intense / uncomfortable (just as clitoral stimulation did for me when I first started).

Best thing to do is be alone, have multiple orgasms first and then go looking. People think it’s in a fixed place but actually the best sensation can move around. It can be on the side walls, front or back walls or all four... you may feel the texture is different there in one tiny area or it may not be. It’s worth trying a curved g spot vibrator if it’s something you want to investigate. I suspect there are some women who could orgasm from PIV separately from clitoral stimulation if they find the right bits and the right combination of movement, pressure and speed. Pretty much impossible to figure all that out with a partner unless they’re very comfortable taking direction constantly.

I wish I could share this section from the online course mentioned above, it’s so useful - but there’s no way to do that sadly. It was eye opening for me.

Original poster
JustWonderful · 29/09/2019 08:13

What's his pick up of the household chores like?

He does a lot and likewise does more than his share with our toddler. (He has a v demanding job too).

OP posts:
k1233 · 29/09/2019 08:35

Whilst I'm pleased to be one of the 25% you OHs attitude isn't sounding particularly endearing or worthy of the effort... Surely he would like you to orgasm too, even if that means a little more attention / effort on his part.

k1233 · 29/09/2019 08:44

Be hinest, men get away with being shite in bed all the time.

Not with me. You get one chance. If you're bad, you're not welcome back.