Is he selfish or am I controlling?

[Surrealreal]

Posting for outside perspective as I may be completely deluded in which case I need putting straight.

Context is: DP regularly goes out for events for a hobby he's heavily involved in. So he's not going out for fun or because he wants to as such, let's say the hobby takes him away from home quite a lot though.

Situation is: DP let me know on Thursday that he would be going away for the weekend for an event to take part in it. He left that evening and he'll be back on Sunday.
I didn't have anything to say about it, mainly because I'm feeling full of cold (I think, the kids have had it and passed it on, it's knocked me for six) and really unwell with it. I have a lot on this weekend. Now I'm sat feeling quite resentful!

Sorry about the 'hobby' references btw. It's kind of like a sport, but more sedate, there's a culture of smoking and drinking around it. That's a massive clue but naming it directly would be really outing.

He's selfish.

Do you get equal time? Family time?
Does he pull his weight at home?

It is very inconsiderate of him to agree without checking if it works for the family.

I assume the children are both of yours? It is not controlling to want to agree a fair division of workload..I assume he has to ask his workplace for leave rather than just tell them, why is is different for home life?

I’d not be happy either.
How old are the DC? Do you get equal time to do your own thing? It’s not controlling to expect your partner to treat you with respect and courtesy.

I’d be having a serious chat when he returns.

In the meantime is there anyone who can help you out this weekend if you’re poorly? Do as little as possible, basic meals more tv than usual and try to get well

People are allowed hobbies and time away from their family, absolutely you included BUT that is too short notice. Surely he wouldn’t have only found out on the same day he was going away that weekend?!

His hobby is to go smoking and drinking and be tells you just as he's leaving for a long weekend. You got yourself a keeper!

Next weekend waltz out the door and spend a couple of nights in a hotel

Are the children his children? Do you live together?

If he’s expecting that he can just drop everything at short notice to go away and use his hobby as an excuse to sit around smoking/ drinking for an entire weekend whilst you automatically look after the kids on your own without a break then yes, of course he is being selfish. It’s not unreasonable for him to have a weekend away but it should be discussed and planned in advance and he should make sure you’re happy and able to have the kids. What if you’d made plans for the weekend? Would he have expected you to drop them?

What would he do if next Thursday you suddenly announced you were going away for three nights?

Thanks everyone. To answer questions, he had booked the time off work well in advance so he could do this. It really is his biggest priority in life, which leads me to the AIBU thing, he actually says 'people are allowed hobbies' and says he won't be controlled by me (not that I ever could 'control' him). I've tried to make him understand that all the time he spends away from the family (at least twice a week and then these getaways on top of it) is in our eyes, family avoidance, basically. He says I should get a hobby, but I don't see it as normal or desirable to drop my children on a regular basis and no one would pick up the slack anyway. He certainly wouldn't.
The older children are not his, the youngest is.

Yes selfish
It’s not controlling to expect to discuss these things and make sure they suit everyone

YOu should feel resentful

Leave him.

I wouldn’t put up with this.

It would annoy me if someone who went away for a hobby kept stressing that they didn’t enjoy it for they were t getting leisure time while I was left shouldering the rest . My husband moans about fishing trips occasionally and how hard work it is getting ready for them , tough shit I think DONT bother doing it if it’s such a drag .

He says I should do similar, but there would be no one to look after the kids. I'd be walking out on them with no guaranteed babysitter. DP would either be working or doing his hobby. Maybe in an emergency he would ring round my parents, his and the older children's dads to cobble together some childcare but they'd all think I'd had some kind of breakdown. It's making me angry thinking about that. If he walks out it's completely fine but if I did the same, I wouldn't be coping.

So he's not going out for fun or because he wants to as such, let's say the hobby takes him away from home quite a lot though.

It is for fun.

Yes. He's selfish.

I went through my husband prioritising his sporting hobby after the birth of DS. It was hell. He cut down a lot. He's nowhere near as selfish now or I would have divorced him.

I appreciate these replies. I think I know what I need to do, I've been trying to make one last go of things just in case this is just normal in a relationship and it is me being weird about it.
I can't even listen to him talk or reference this hobby anymore which is why he's sprang this on me at the last minute. It's my fault because I'm not interested in it.

I am sure he will reap what he does in his relationship with the children. Ultimately I think that is his choice, but it is also your choice to put up with it or leave. Your children won't forget that you are the one that puts them first and chooses to spend time with them. So YANBU, but he probably won't change.

I put up with years of this shit from my stbxh. I heard all the controlling bullshit too. Honestly. Get rid of him. He clearly doesn't give a shit about you. Sorry.

He's selfish.

Of course everyone is entitled to have a hobby, I actually think it's healthy tbh. But, and it's a big but, it needs to fit in and around family life. Not to the detriment of your kids or partner

*Reap what he sows

Oh and the irony is, he's controlling you by fucking off at very short notice for the weekend! What a prize.

How old are the kids and how many?!

Only asking as a previous thread there was an 18 and 22 yo who couldn't be at home alone!

Kitten we had this while I was pregnant and DS was a newborn. The hobby came first. I couldn't put myself through it again.
For what it's worth, DP is insisting and has been insisting for long time that he's cutting down. He's been 'stopping', 'stopped', 'coming back for one last match', 'been pulled in as a replacement to help them out', 'not drinking at this one so it doesn't count' for about 2 years. It's not me who makes an issue out of his, it's all him which is why I've said 'don't talk to me about it anymore' I've heard it all before. I think he paints a picture of me nagging him about it and trying to control him to all his friends and he believes it. But in reality I block it out and have stopped reacting to it.

Children are 12, 9 and 2.

Get calendar and place it where it can be read.
Start booking family things two months in advance, and tell him your all doing zoo, movies, day out.
Log his things as well.
So he can see it all, and see what he says .