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Original poster

Is he selfish or am I controlling?

129 replies

Surrealreal · 28/09/2019 08:16

Posting for outside perspective as I may be completely deluded in which case I need putting straight.

Context is: DP regularly goes out for events for a hobby he's heavily involved in. So he's not going out for fun or because he wants to as such, let's say the hobby takes him away from home quite a lot though.

Situation is: DP let me know on Thursday that he would be going away for the weekend for an event to take part in it. He left that evening and he'll be back on Sunday.
I didn't have anything to say about it, mainly because I'm feeling full of cold (I think, the kids have had it and passed it on, it's knocked me for six) and really unwell with it. I have a lot on this weekend. Now I'm sat feeling quite resentful!

OP posts:
Original poster
Surrealreal · 28/09/2019 09:48

Thank you, fox
And everyone else

OP posts:
midcenturylegs · 28/09/2019 09:50

My ex was a climber and skier and saw his weeks (4 pa), weekends (10, 12 pa) away doing these activities as a right and not a privilege. It took me a long time to understand that. When I did, I started calling these not "climbing trips" or "skiing trips" but "holidays". We had a wall calendar for family planning and I would cross out "MIDS HUSBAND - climbing/skiing" that he'd entered with "MIDS HUSBAND on holiday with

fedup21 · 28/09/2019 09:52

A ‘sort of’ sport that involved drinking and smoking-sorry, but that sounds bizarre. Darts is the only thing I can think of!

Original poster
Surrealreal · 28/09/2019 09:53

It's along those lines, fedup!

OP posts:
SilentNightTime · 28/09/2019 09:55

It sounds like he has an addiction to this 'hobby'. It's really as if he can't stop, the way he's making excuses and getting angry toward you and accusing you of being controlling.
You're really not being selfish or controlling. He is. If I were in your shoes I would be making plans to leave.

messolini9 · 28/09/2019 09:57

So he's not going out for fun or because he wants to as such

Bullshit.
Is this a notion he has sold you, so he gets to duck out of family life at will, & you are not allowed to remonstrate with him because he's "not going out for fun"?
If he is going, it's because he wants to.
If he doesn;t want to, he can stop.

messolini9 · 28/09/2019 09:59

He says I should get a hobby

But how can you, as you don't have a convenient wife wiating to take up your slack at least twice a week?
More empty words from him, & mroe bullshit!

midcenturylegs · 28/09/2019 10:03

I should add that my ex said that his hobbies were important for his well-being. Which I get and understood, but again it was unspoken that I dare question it (kid's birthdays etc) because as @messolini9 said that then meant he wasn't just doing it for fun 🤫

What are you going to do @Surrealreal?

messolini9 · 28/09/2019 10:03

he says I'm blackmailing him and controlling him. That I'm sucking the joy out of his life and it's abusive.

Hes a liar, & this is straight out of The Angry & Controlling Man's Handbook.
www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

You have said it yourself - his main priority is his hobby.
I wish him joy of it when it's all he has left.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 28/09/2019 10:08

I haven't read any of your previous posts, but kitten implies you've posted before about his selfish behaviour/ general arseholery so I'd really really get moving on ending things. Do you want to start 2020 still posting about this twat, or do you want to be free of him and not having to think about him and his snooker obsession or whatever?

He's no good as a life partner to you - so be your own life partner and look after yourself.

Original poster
Surrealreal · 28/09/2019 10:09

I'm not sure as yet what I'm going to do, because this time it needs to be final. Last time it was easier than I thought, and a relief to be rid of him as I literally couldn't look at him any longer. But in the back of my mind I must've known I'd end up trying to make a go of it again with him. Can't do that again.

OP posts:
suggestionsplease1 · 28/09/2019 10:09

It seems like you're concerned about being labelled as 'controlling' by your partner and your hang up on that is why you're acquiescing to everything. If fact you are just asking for a bit of respect, a bit of priortising for the family unit and you. But you can't make him do anything he doesn't want to, of course, and the issue is that he doesn't appear to care enough to try. It sounds like you might have a deal-breaker - that doesn't make you controlling, it just means he can't rise to the reasonable expectations you have.

Witchinaditch · 28/09/2019 10:11

I’m sure he enjoys playing darts. If it’s a hobby and he’s not being paid then he has a choice to go or not.

ChilledBee · 28/09/2019 10:14

Okay to me is sounds like he sees the older kids as yours so he has 1 kid, you have 3. I think the hobby is poker btw. Anyway, I think he sees it as you have 3 kids to take care of and therefore your time is more restricted than his. I'm not saying he should see his SC as his but it usually works best when the SP is happy to share childcare responsibility to make the house tick along smoothly.

But the main thing is that you can't force someone to adopt your values. Whereas going off for a job y a few times a week at the expense of time with your kids seems great to him, it isn't to you. It is a fundamental incompatibility. It isn't that he's an awful person/parent,but he's just very different to you in that respect and that's why it doesn't work.

Spidey66 · 28/09/2019 10:14

So the hobby is pool, snooker or darts. Not really outing.

Original poster
Surrealreal · 28/09/2019 10:21

That's right spidey I described it so it would be obvious, yet not outright because it actually could be outing as they're away this weekend and I have a previous thread which I cant actually revisit myself but I'd be mortified if anyone joins the dots.

OP posts:
Original poster
Surrealreal · 28/09/2019 10:22

You could be exactly right, chilled

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 28/09/2019 10:23

It really is his biggest priority in life

His wife and children should be his biggest priority in life.

MrsDimmond · 28/09/2019 10:24

YANBU nor controlling!

It sounds to me as if this relationship is not healthy for you and you have nothing to lose by ending it.

My only word of caution would be that you leave without any illusion that he will step up in any way at all.

I've seen threads where posters say things such as "well it will serve him right when he has his dc eow".

A selfish partner simply becomes a selfish ex.

If he's a poor parent now, he will be a poor (possibly worse) parent after the split.

Expect nothing from him and you will enjoy the freedom of not having to share your home with him.

But from what you've posted you already know that.

Good luck Flowers

ChilledBee · 28/09/2019 10:24

I really thought it was poker.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 28/09/2019 10:25

Does he think he is good enough to turn professional? Obviously he isn't if he isn't winning any of the competitions he is entering but is that what he thinks. If so you either have to be totally on board with it or leave. Sounds like the 2nd choice would be the best option.

MrsDimmond · 28/09/2019 10:27

Is the father of older 2 dc a consistent parent?

Love51 · 28/09/2019 10:31

As a coupled up parent, every time you book to go somewhere when the kids aren't in childcare, you are making a decision on behalf of your partner that they are responsible for the children then. My husband often works away, but actually doesn't have to. He always checks with me - I've never said 'no' but I have said 'did you realise that if you go down the night before there is xyz impact'. Equally I get fucking horrendous PMT if I'm not engaged in plenty of sports / exercise so that's a priority for me, but it doesn't trump family time - I stay home if he is working elsewhere, and stop at the gym when the kids are somewhere else! I'm now able to take the eldest with me to one sport training session a week (still need someone with the youngest, roll on his birthday!)
Your partner has a complete lack of consideration for you. I'm not against people having hobbies and think it is beneficial. The issue is not realising that actions impact on other people.
Also, 9 year olds when not having a strop are easy to be around. They converse in full sentences, can actually be useful when they try to help, and can basically be left to their own devices if you need to do something. 2 year olds are hard work! (Yes they can be funny and charming, but they can rarely poo without your involvement on some level). You can be home with a 9 year old and have a rest. 2 year olds are not restful - does he appreciate the difference?

Witchinaditch · 28/09/2019 10:31

Darts or poker!! Some sort of gambling game

mrssoap · 28/09/2019 10:31

Him saying "you can't control me" massive red flag for me. Of course you shouldn't control him, no1 should control anyone however that phrase just sounds aggressive and like he doesn't care about your feelings or how what he does impacts you.

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