Is he selfish or am I controlling?

[Surrealreal]

Posting for outside perspective as I may be completely deluded in which case I need putting straight.

Context is: DP regularly goes out for events for a hobby he's heavily involved in. So he's not going out for fun or because he wants to as such, let's say the hobby takes him away from home quite a lot though.

Situation is: DP let me know on Thursday that he would be going away for the weekend for an event to take part in it. He left that evening and he'll be back on Sunday.
I didn't have anything to say about it, mainly because I'm feeling full of cold (I think, the kids have had it and passed it on, it's knocked me for six) and really unwell with it. I have a lot on this weekend. Now I'm sat feeling quite resentful!

I think I can carefully say he's ruined his weekend, doing exactly what he wanted to do.
Or he could have been at home with his family...

How did he find the thread so quick OP?
Does he have access to your online accounts and passwords?

He's a selfish, controlling, abusive bastard and needs kicking to the curb.
Log out of all devices you're logged into and change all your passwords - and don't share any devices with him.

Fucking dickwad!

He's a monster OP. Please for the sake of your emotional health, make a plan to leave him. I hope he reads your other posts. You seem so worn down.

Do as SavingSpaces2019 says. Change everything.

You've ruined his weekend? How about YOUR weekend OP? Unwell, and with all the DC to care for?

Heis a wanker op. Dont waste time on him. Sad thing is he has probably surrounded himself with like-minded asshats who will all agree with him, because they treat their partners with then same level of Contempt.

he does not do it for fun
Defiition of hobby - an activity done regularly in one's leisure time for pleasure.
Pleasure = fun

He's texted me, 'I think you're being controlling if that helps

What he means is, "Wah, wah, wah, I don't like having to consider you and the children so I'm going to gaslight you"

Personally, I'd be making plans to leave him. Family first, hobby second or bubbye!

He's not got any of my login details or anything.
I really hope he hasn't read the other post given what it's about. I should've used a different name change between them.

If you're reading this Mr Surreal, I think you're the selfish, controlling one and you're lucky your wife has stuck around so long. It's about time you put your wife and kids before hobby and started becoming a husband and parent! As for your ruined weekend, it's about time, imagine how many weekends you've ruined for your wife and kids. Imagine all the holidays they've not been able to take with you because you've used up all your work holidays, selfishly on your hobby, the amount of days you've ruined for everyone else whilst they are running around doing the adult stuff whilst you go and get pissed with your mates and so your hobby..

One thing OP, what exactly do you get from your DH? How is it he enhances your and your dc's lives?

What if you had said "oh I meant to tell you, I've started a new hobby (like you told me to) so I'm going away for the weekend next week. Have fun with the kids."

I find it so annoying when I have something arranged, them my husband plans something hobby-related for the same day and I'm the one responsible for sorting out a babysitter. Not as bad an your DP here but still assuming the mums will play second fiddle to the dads hobbies.

Me me me, what a whiner. Get rid of the dead weight OP, he is just dragging you down and being selfish.

I honestly don't know. He said we were 'back at square one' after this but now he's been sending more lighthearted messages like 'you're impossible lol' 'any little thing I do you make a problem of'. But being a bit flippant at the same time, like this is nothing. It's this dismissive attitude that makes me question myself and lead to be posting in the first place.

To me posting*

Yeah he's backtracking to get you to question as he's worried you'll see the truth and get yourself rid of him.

He is being dismissive of your feelings. How is that better?!

Don't be fooled, OP. Next time he needs to leave you for his hobby, he'll repeat this same behaviour.

If you find it hard to talk to him, write down what you want to say in a letter and ask him to read it.

He couldn't care less. I haven't even spoken to him about my day, there's no point. It's been unbelievably hard. He's sulking that I haven't asked about his match though.

He's a totally self-absorbed, immature cunt. PMSL that he uses you as an excuse for being a total loser 'ruined my weekend/made me loose by upsetting me/blah blah blah'. Like a hormonal kid in puberty. Now sulking.

Get rid. You're already doing this all on your own. I wouldn't be at all bothered by his folks doing his share of the childcare, either. Great, sorted!

He can whinge to his loser mates about how hard done by, if I had a friend who jettisoned his spouse and young child as often as he did to do a hobby I'd think he was a sorry arse twat.

why can't you have a hobby night, too? even if all you do is go and watch a movie. Monday night is Mum's night, say. And he has to come back from work, etc, feed the fambo, etc, and, every weekend in six, say, you have a day/night off: spa day, even just watching TV in a travelodge. fair's fair, after all.

Going back to the idea of you having a hobby, which he seems to support... who does he think would be doing childcare?

Does your older kids' Dad have them EOW or something? If so, book some of those out on the calendar for your 'hobby' (which could be visiting friends, going to a cafe, going to the library...), and tell DH that childcare for DC3 is his to organise on those weekends.

Sorry about the 'hobby' references btw. It's kind of like a sport, but more sedate, there's a culture of smoking and drinking around it. That's a massive clue but naming it directly would be really outing.

Outing? There must be thousands of men who play darts.

If it's poker then I honestly think you need to start thinking about support for a gambling addiction.

You sound like such a lovely lady and yet somehow I think he knows this and is taking advantage, you deserve better and lots of men will realise this, sadly though I doubt it'll be him.
You should be his priority or be someone else's.

He's away at a planned event today. If I named it directly, it would be outing to anyone who knows about it. Why would I not be a little bit vague? I did apologise about the use of 'hobby' as I know it's annoying and I did drop heavy hints as to what it is.

Thank you Cornish
It's not poker or anything high stakes, Blue but it's not my job to support him in anything anymore. He doesn't support me- in anything. He wouldn't help himself if he did have issues, though. In all the years I've known him, he's never even been to a dental appointment. There have been things he's needed to see a doctor about, but he's been too lazy to a) ring for an appointment b) attend appointment. These things are too far-fetched to even contemplate but if someone suggests getting some hobby practice in, he's there.

Yeah, I've fucking had enough.

Don't worry about that @Surrealreal. Also if you are worried about him reading remember you can get threads taken down.

But perhaps it doesn't matter - he really has been absolutely horrendous to you - and I hope if he is reading now he can at least see that EVERYONE thinks he is the controlling, gaslighting, selfish partner here (unless it's all women he thinks are impossible and illogical naggers, not just his OH).

This and his previous are so awful darling, ignore what he says about you, it's just another way to gaslight you - and just get him out. You seem really nice and as you say have been fine on your own before.