Is he selfish or am I controlling?

[Surrealreal]

Posting for outside perspective as I may be completely deluded in which case I need putting straight.

Context is: DP regularly goes out for events for a hobby he's heavily involved in. So he's not going out for fun or because he wants to as such, let's say the hobby takes him away from home quite a lot though.

Situation is: DP let me know on Thursday that he would be going away for the weekend for an event to take part in it. He left that evening and he'll be back on Sunday.
I didn't have anything to say about it, mainly because I'm feeling full of cold (I think, the kids have had it and passed it on, it's knocked me for six) and really unwell with it. I have a lot on this weekend. Now I'm sat feeling quite resentful!

He is a selfish asshole. I was going to agree with the pp who suggested a calendar and making his selfishness very very obvious, but now i agree with you and just fuck him off.

But be prepared to be parenting alone. A selfish asshat isn't suddenly going to become parent of the year.

Id also put money on him not being able to afford maintenance atm due to hobby smoking and drinking in pubs weekends.

He is a controlling gaslighting shitbag full of laziness and entitlement. Send him home to his mum and dad.

I agree with chilledbee assessment, you have 2 of your own children to look after so in his mind that is your responsibility and doesn't impact him.

It is disheartening to have so many women post about similar men, they are effectively single men living in a family home. I imagine if you separated he would seek another woman pretty quickly and just revert to type once she was tied down.

Wouldn’t it be funny if you did split and due to him having to pay CM, he couldn’t afford to do his hobby any more

I spent 20 years as a hobby widow. Basically him doing whatever he wanted while I do everything. I mean literally everything.
It's bloody selfish. He's not the only one in this relationship. He has a child.
I,don't be rethinking team relationship as he doesn't seem very committed to his family.
Family comes first, not 2nd or 3rdo.
The controlling comment is just blaming you for gist selfishness.

It is disheartening to have so many women post about similar men, they are effectively single men living in a family home

I've been railing against this since the 1970s. Things haven't improved - in fact they have got worse as most women do paid work as well as childcare, housework, shopping, cooking and general drudgery. The woman is still expected to be content staying home while the man fucks off to hobby all weekend.

Actually, it sounds as if he has a gambling addiction. Which he won't be able to stop without help and support. Not from the op!

Jesus wept.

Well, I hope your eyes are well and truly opened now.

He knew and had booked off work etc - basically afforded the due respect and notice required to everyone else in his life - but didn't bother to tell the fucking maid until the last minute because, why should he? She's worth literally nothing, yeah?

You aren't just not his first priority, you are literally the last thing he thinks of. A household appliance.

Don't waste a second's more breath or mental energy on him - focus on getting out. If there's any joint money around, move it to your own account pronto - he certainly won't contribute what he owes to raisign your child in the future so take the lot now, as much as you can.

He is a piece of crap.

What a cliche ' you get a hobby '
Is he prepared to forgo his so you can attend yours?
' You can't control me ' this is another cliche.
You shouldn't have to control him, he should have enough self awareness to realise he has other priorities now and he is a selfish bum.
He is living the single life whilst enjoying the luxury of marriage, I bet you feel like a single mum already.

So he's not going out for fun or because he wants to as such,

Hobby = leisure activity = something you do for fun. Otherwise what’s the point??

He's a prize isn't he ?

And he suggests that YOU are somehow misunderstanding the obvious importance of this 'hobby'. :(

Does he actually understand what a 'hobby' is ? It is something people do in their SPARE time for enjoyment !

The fact that you don't actually HAVE any spare time cos you're too busy being a parent and DW seems to have escaped him ??

I'd get rid of the waste of space.

I like what you've suggested midcenturylegs about the correct labelling of the holidays. Far too little for OP, but may help me. Am going to have to be lovely and understanding when DH comes home tomorrow after a two week jolly a challenging test of his physical and mental endurance. All FB pals are congratulating him and his pal for their great achievement, no one is thanking or praising me for holding the fort at home - which to be fair is actually quite easy with DH away apart from the huge, mucky, walk intensive dog that he was so insistent on getting.

Awwww rookiemere that's sad. He gets to own a big man's dog while you play kennel maid cos he's busy elsewhere doing big man's stuff.

I hate that when men call women who are upset at their unreasonable behaviour, controlling. Being controlling is trying to dictate what someone wears/ eats etc. eg overriding their personal choices. Or asking them to stop seeing their friends or not go out once a fortnight or something.

Being pissed off that your workload in looking after the kids, effectively doubles overnight with no warning or reciprocation, is not controlling. If his behaviour was reasonable then he would be fine with you doing it as well.

He's texted me, 'I think you're being controlling if that helps'...?!

Do you mean he's read the thread?
I do hope so!!

I think so.

Are you worried about his reaction when he gets home?

Well we all think he's being a selfish arse.
I wouldn't be with anyone who didn't prioritise being with the family, or happy to see you got time on your own too.
Well he'll sadly love being a single dad but at least you won't have to put up with it.

He clearly is the only one

Everyone else can see he is controlling and selfish
OP it’s over what is the housing situation will he leave?

How exactly does he think you're being controlling?He goes out when he wants for his'hobby' ,sleeps because he is tired and works.
When do you see him to control him.Does he spend time with the children?Cook?Do his share of the housework?
And hanging around on Mumsnet to read your posts?
So he now knows you're leaving OP,I haven't read your other posts so will as as others have,are you safe?

Well, he would say that, wouldn't he? Maybe he should join up and defend himself here, see if he can change our minds.

He says it's all about me and just before his big match he's had to sit and read the same old shit I've been saying to him for years.

There are no worries re safety or housing. Everything is fine, I've ruined his weekend now though

What an arse. He's selfish and disrespectful! How can he use all his annual leave for a 'hobby' and leave none to be with his family?
If you're reading this OP's 'd'h, she's not the one in the wrong, you are!
Grow up, you've got a family and responsibilities you utterly selfish tool!