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Original poster

Is he selfish or am I controlling?

129 replies

Surrealreal · 28/09/2019 08:16

Posting for outside perspective as I may be completely deluded in which case I need putting straight.

Context is: DP regularly goes out for events for a hobby he's heavily involved in. So he's not going out for fun or because he wants to as such, let's say the hobby takes him away from home quite a lot though.

Situation is: DP let me know on Thursday that he would be going away for the weekend for an event to take part in it. He left that evening and he'll be back on Sunday.
I didn't have anything to say about it, mainly because I'm feeling full of cold (I think, the kids have had it and passed it on, it's knocked me for six) and really unwell with it. I have a lot on this weekend. Now I'm sat feeling quite resentful!

OP posts:
Kittenbittenmitten · 28/09/2019 08:48

He sounds dreadful. Whatever he needs to tell himself in order to be a selfish prick eh?

Original poster
Surrealreal · 28/09/2019 08:49

When things have come very close to ending over this, and me knowing deep down that he will never change, that's when he says I'm blackmailing him and controlling him. That I'm sucking the joy out of his life and it's abusive. So I feel guilty and we plod along as long as I don't have to hear about it. He announced he's finally stopping 'once and for all' but made sure I knew it was a massive sacrifice that he would never let me forget....then signed up the next day to a hobby that is almost exactly the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
Surrealreal · 28/09/2019 08:51

This has been been so useful, to read the replies and get it all off my chest!

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 28/09/2019 08:55

You sucking the fun out!! Talk about projecting Angry

Just leave him OP, do you really want to be in this position in 10 years time when your youngest is starting to spend less time at home and you're stuck at home on your own because your 'd'h is off enjoying himself. If he's doing this now whilst you have young dc, imagine what he'll be like when the kids don't come into the equation?

Quartz2208 · 28/09/2019 08:55

Hold on he knew in advance to book time off work but not to tell you

RandomMess · 28/09/2019 08:55

Do you think he will bother having the DC when you split? You know so you actually get a break...

raspberryk · 28/09/2019 08:57

I'd be booking a spa break next weekend and walking out, only then will be see how unreasonable he is.
I'd also be telling him "good luck with the hobby when you have 50/50 custody of a 2 year old"

Kittenbittenmitten · 28/09/2019 08:57

@Quartz2208. That's why I pointed out he's the one doing the controlling.

Quartz2208 · 28/09/2019 08:59

I agree KItten by going out twice a week and dropping things in at short notice he is controlling you by knowing you can’t go out. He tells you you should get a hobby knowing full well you can’t

He is selfish and controlling

Original poster
Surrealreal · 28/09/2019 09:02

I know. I know I'm at fault for sort of 'allowing' this but I'm not his mum and if he won't change then I should leave. It just seems that women will always lose out, struggle or struggle on alone (which would actually be easier...probably. I've been a single mum before with no problems). You can tell I'm feeling sorry for myself Grin just feel like shit. Have to drag myself to a shop soon for some flu medicine or something.
Oh yes, had booked the time off with work in plenty of time. When he gets back on Sunday he'll be on his hobby chat arranging the next getaway. He's going on an unrelated weekend away at Christmas as well. All this time off means he can't get time off for family stuff. If we want a day out, it has be be in the afternoon so he's had plenty of sleep and will still be moody and say he dragged himself there as he's still tired from work.

OP posts:
MrsMozartMkII · 28/09/2019 09:03

Tell him to fuck off.

He thinks that being at home with his family is "sucking the joy out of his life"? Of my DH thought that of our family time together I'd be telling him to go.

I have a very time consuming hobby, to the point where it's more of a lifestyle thing (horses), but my DH supports me in it even though it's not his thing. I check often that he's okay with it, I make sure we have family time, he goes with me and gets involved where possible. If he had a hobby to the same extent we'd find a way to make it work. We communicate. We care about each other being happy. We don't want to piss each other off. We want to spend time together.

Original poster
Surrealreal · 28/09/2019 09:06

He won't have 50/50 of the youngest if we split. When we've come extremely close to it, he's moved back in with his parents and DS stayed with them while he slept because of being tired from work. His parents absolutely dote on DS but I know it's them doing the parenting, not DP.

OP posts:
TheWernethWife · 28/09/2019 09:06

What a twat

MarianaMoatedGrange · 28/09/2019 09:09

His hobby is to go smoking and drinking and be tells you just as he's leaving for a long weekend. You got yourself a keeper! Grin

Seriously though Kittenbittenmitten is right

Oh and the irony is, he's controlling you by fucking off at very short notice for the weekend! What a prize.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 28/09/2019 09:12

Fuck him off OP. You'll honestly feel empowered leaving that twat out of the equation. Pack him off back to mummy.

SherbetSaucer · 28/09/2019 09:20

I've tried to make him understand that all the time he spends away from the family (at least twice a week and then these getaways on top of it) is in our eyes, family avoidance, basically

It probably is family avoidance. Sounds like he doesn’t enjoy having his freedom compromised by having children. He should have thought about that before producing them!

CurryGoat · 28/09/2019 09:23

I used to have a husband like yours. It was always about his happiness. All that chat is a tool to manipulate you, so yes he is selfish.

Booboooo · 28/09/2019 09:32

How much money is this hobby costing??

KUGA · 28/09/2019 09:35

Very selfish.
You should do the same and waltz out.leaving him hi and dry.

CoraPirbright · 28/09/2019 09:35

Utterly selfish. My dh has a hobby that takes him away but he wouldnt dream of just bogging off with no reference to me! All dates are run passed me first and I know that if I totally put my foot down and said “no, that’s the date that we are doing x as a family” then there would be no question of him ditching that hobby. I dont often say this but I would seriously consider ltb.

Original poster
Surrealreal · 28/09/2019 09:39

I'm really thinking about it. I've had enough.

It doesn't cost that much, although I found out some comps cost money to enter. He's tried the angle of saying he 'has to' take part in this, that or the other one as he is guaranteed to win the prize money as the best player but then comes home empty handed and in a foul mood.

OP posts:
Kittenbittenmitten · 28/09/2019 09:43

OP. I've read some of your previous posts, I hope you don't mind. I don't know how you've made it this far. Being with a man that horrible must be soul destroying.

Original poster
Surrealreal · 28/09/2019 09:44

He says the whole family will benefit from the prize money that is 'more or less in my pocket', like we could go on holiday etc then loses and never mentions it again. Of course it's because he's under pressure and not supported!

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 28/09/2019 09:45

He doesn’t “have” to do the hobby fgs

But what does have to happen is that something has to change. You can’t carry on like this, you deserve to be happier

Original poster
Surrealreal · 28/09/2019 09:47

It's ok, kitten

OP posts:
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