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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for cash instead of presents at kids party?

493 replies

HuntIdeas · 28/09/2019 05:29

My twins are having a 5th birthday party next week and have 50 guests between them! I’m starting to freak out about the number of presents they will get and where to keep them in the house (plus all that extra plastic that will end up at the dump). WIBU to send a group WhatsApp message asking not to bring presents or to put a bit of cash in a card and I can take them to get something they choose? How could I word it?

Most guests are their new classmates (only started 3 weeks ago), so I don’t know the parents

OP posts:
SaraNade · 28/09/2019 09:10

CecilyP, yes, it is. The concept is still the same. You asking, on 'behalf' of your child, money (who has absolutely no use for it). How do you think that goes down with a five year old? It is exactly the same. I too, couldn't remember who gave me what, but I do remember playing with the presents from people at the party, on the day. Those are the memories children have. "Here you go Jane, here's $2." As five year old Jane looks at it, and wonders what it is and what to do with it. I cannot believe this.

Have people on here forgotten how to view the world through a five year old's eyes?

pictish · 28/09/2019 09:11

You cannot ask for cash for a kids’ birthday party! Oh my god!

Well, you can...but you can also expect a whole bunch of cancellations as people decide not to pay you so their kid can attend your kid’s party.

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 28/09/2019 09:12

I would take the presents on the chin and then give them to charity for Christmas - there are usually lots of local ones looking for wrapped gifts for children in the run up to 25 December.

Crockof · 28/09/2019 09:14

But it's so much cheaper to put in £2 then it is to buy a present!

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 28/09/2019 09:15

OP you say in an update that you’ll just need to suck it up and find somewhere to put aside presents for re-gifting

Or, you could just let your twins actually have the presents they are given? I’d have been really upset aged 5 to know that my Mum had taken my presents and given them away. I would have thought I had done something naughty and was being punished All it takes is their school friend to mention to one of them “Have you played with the puzzle yet?” and they’ll realise what you did.

Also, I find it somewhat patronising that you seem to think you are the only parent who dislikes “plastic tat”. How about you give others the benefit of the doubt and trust them to bring acceptable presents? My son is 3. For each party I talk to him about his favourite books and we decide which one his friend might like, and buy that. (I steer him towards ones I can get for less than a fiver). Frankly, with 50 kids about to descend on you I’d say that finding somewhere to put some presents is the least of your worries.

cinderellainyellakissedafella · 28/09/2019 09:15

I would be really pissed off if a parent of a kid at the school asked for cash, no matter how long I had known them. My dc would not attend the party

BogglesGoggles · 28/09/2019 09:15

Threads like this really makes me wish other parents would put in real effort to choosing gifts. It’s nit hard to find a nice gift for under a tenner. Just buy a nice book or some paint/pencils etc. We usually end up throwing out half of our sons’ present after a week or two because they’ve fallen apart/are so crap that they don’t get played with and just take up space.

BogglesGoggles · 28/09/2019 09:16

@ArgumentativeAardvaark but there will be 50 presents.

cinderellainyellakissedafella · 28/09/2019 09:17

@BogglesGoggles try being grateful that people have bought your kid a present in the first place.
Failing that tell them specifically what you want them to buy (and maybe you'll have a few less party invites next time so you can save money too)

bigdecisionstomake · 28/09/2019 09:18

Haven't read the full thread so apologies if anyone else has said similar but when my youngest was at primary the class mums came to an agreement for parties that we all put a £1 coin, taped inside the card, so that the birthday child could then choose something they really wanted with the cash. This meant we avoided getting loads of cheap plastic tat as presents and the child chose something they really wanted. Worked like a treat at primary school for several years and all the mums were happy with it, as were the kids.

UniversalAunt · 28/09/2019 09:18

Given you have twins born relatively close to Christmas, you’ll need to develop a way to manage the ‘PressieExpress’ otherwise in years to come you’ll be overwhelmed by tat & disappointments.

I think you are off to a good start this year by having a full classmate guest list for the party. As you say, you are just three weeks in to the new school & they have not yet found their favourite friends, so keeping things open & relaxed, although a bit full-on, does not tie your kids down at this early stage in the school year.

Several PPs have nicely worded a request for no presents, & asking for a coin (in the UK can mean £1 or £2) in the card to go towards a bigger present your two are saving for is OK, particularly for a local play park etc. Parents of 4-5yo tend not to have much time or £, so popping a coin (or a fiver) in a card may be a relief & set the trend for the coming year. Once the kids have made friends & parties are smaller, giving presents is more personal & fun.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 28/09/2019 09:19

@BogglesGoggles
but there will be 50 presents.

So? What’s your point? And it’s 25 per twin anyway.

diddl · 28/09/2019 09:19

I think that I'd rather be asked for cash than buy something that would just be discarded.

It would be nice it know the purpose I think though-that something is being saved for for example.

I'd feel mean not buying anything I think, but would probably go for book/colouring book/crayons/maybe Lego if I didn't know the child that well.

If each child has approx 25 guests then £1 from each child would get them a nice present each!

Butchyrestingface · 28/09/2019 09:20

Haven't read the full thread so apologies if anyone else has said similar but when my youngest was at primary the class mums came to an agreement for parties that we all put a £1 coin, taped inside the card, so that the birthday child could then choose something they really wanted with the cash

@bigdecisionstomake, Yes, it has been suggested, multiple times. Hence why it's a good idea to read the thread.

SallyLovesCheese · 28/09/2019 09:21

All that three year old little girl, dreaming of My Little Pony, play dough, a doll that pees etc, understands is that for some reason, she has no physical present in front of her.

But 3-year-olds also don't understand all the social norms and so, if they are told they're just having lots of friends over for fun games and a birthday tea, then that's what they'll expect. I'd be sad if a 3-year-old is already expecting presents from everyone on their birthday and gets upset if there aren't many. I'm sure parents who say "no presents" are still giving their child things to unwrap on their birthday. If more people just gave cash or no present then this would become the social norm and you wouldn't have 3-year-olds sitting around expecting massive piles of presents to be set in front of them.

lyralalala · 28/09/2019 09:21

Have people on here forgotten how to view the world through a five year old's eyes?

My kids have loved it. So have all the kids at the parties I’ve been too.

Presents from their family. See lots of pennies going into the piggy bank. Then paying for the toy they chose with the money and showing that to their friends.

If you don’t want to do it then don’t, buy please do quit trying to tell those of us that do that our kids don’t like it and that we’re taking the magic from their birthday

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 28/09/2019 09:22

Parents of 4-5 yo tend not to have much time or £

What a bizarre generalisation!

SockQueen · 28/09/2019 09:24

@SaraNade maybe not all 3 year olds are as grabby as you imagine? DS1 still hasn't finished opening his very modest pile od presents (family only) from last weekend. 50 would be completely overwhelming and never get opened/used. No kid needs 50 inexpensive toys like you'd get at a birthday party where the parents don't know the kid. He does like putting coins in his moneybox though, and even if he doesn't really get saving yet, it's not exactly a bad start.

5zeds · 28/09/2019 09:26

I have twins and have to admit at their first all class party the present tsunami took me by surprise. We took home bin bags of toys Shock! In retrospect I would now just let them keep 5 each and regift the other 40.

CecilyP · 28/09/2019 09:26

I do remember playing with the presents from people at the party, on the day.

Your parties were very different to mine. I just remember tea and cake and candles and party games. There wouldn’t have been any time for playing with toys. And in OP’s situation with 50 guests there definitely wouldn’t be time!

SaraNade · 28/09/2019 09:28

ArgumentativeAardvaark Or, you could just let your twins actually have the presents they are given? I’d have been really upset aged 5 to know that my Mum had taken my presents and given them away. I would have thought I had done something naughty and was being punished

Thank goodness someone on mumsnet actually thinks about it through a child's eyes and thinks about the child would want. I am pretty close to hiding this thread. I don't understand these people. They are adults, talking about presents and plastic and 'tat' (whatever that means), as if the party is all about them. I feel sorry for the children of some of the posters on here, when the adult makes their birthday party all about them, and forgets what it was like being five years old! We aren't talking about an older pre-teen or teenager here, saving up for something. We are talking about a 5 (five) year old small child. Many on here have completely lost sight of who this is all about. Talking about regifting and donating to charity, as if it is their present to regift or donate. Unreal. Just disgusting.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 28/09/2019 09:29

@FamilyOfAliens

No need to @ me - I’m here already smile.

I think that you were @ -ed because @inesj was using the new function MN has introduced which allows you to insert a poster’s name by clicking on @and choosing the name from a drop down menu. It’s quicker than messing about with asterisks and stops you misspelling the name. I don’t think it was to make you stand to attention!

To ask for cash instead of presents at kids party?
Girliefriendlikescake · 28/09/2019 09:30

I'd be upset if a gift I'd bought for a child was considered worthless tat or not even given to the child!!

For bdays I've always given gifts which in my mind you can't really have too much of, books, craft kits, lego or occasionally a clothe item.

My dd had a large party when she was 5yo and opening all the gifts was really special. I don't remember her receiving one gift that wasn't appreciated.

I think a party with 50 kids sounds like hell on earth though tbh! Did both kids want such a big party? Would make more sense for them to pick 10 of their closest friends each and just invited them.

notso · 28/09/2019 09:30

I don't agree with asking for cash for kids parties unless it comes from the child which funnily enough is rare.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 28/09/2019 09:31

Clicking on @ (see photo)

To ask for cash instead of presents at kids party?