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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for cash instead of presents at kids party?

493 replies

HuntIdeas · 28/09/2019 05:29

My twins are having a 5th birthday party next week and have 50 guests between them! I’m starting to freak out about the number of presents they will get and where to keep them in the house (plus all that extra plastic that will end up at the dump). WIBU to send a group WhatsApp message asking not to bring presents or to put a bit of cash in a card and I can take them to get something they choose? How could I word it?

Most guests are their new classmates (only started 3 weeks ago), so I don’t know the parents

OP posts:
ArgumentativeAardvaark · 28/09/2019 10:46

Why so rude @Dieu? We don’t have a Card Factory anywhere near us, never heard of it.

Euromillsplz · 28/09/2019 10:48

A lot on here are clearly enjoying being a bit sanctimonious and judgey.

You might be a bit late this year I guess as you've already said no presents, but I'm sure even then, most people will at least give something. I know I would, but it would take the pressure off worrying whether I'd got enough.

I really like the £2 idea (and again, I reckon lots would give £5 as that's still probably less than most would spend on a present)

It's just sensible.

krustykittens · 28/09/2019 10:52

I think the £2 in the piggy bank idea is brilliant and kids can get something really special. Far too much plastic tat is aimed at kids, most of which ends up in landfills. We really need to start changing the way we behave.

lyralalala · 28/09/2019 10:52

Cards depend on the kids I think. Some love them, some aren’t fussed.

In his old school DS’s year had one big card (for some reason they LOVED a big card) and everyone signed it. It was a good idea as it’s easier to keep one card than 50.

At one party they had a fingerprint tree next to the piggy bank with someone helping all the kids make their ‘leaf” and sign their name but it didn’t work great as the kids were too wee to write their name on their leaf neatly.

I think cards will be more controversial to get rid of than swapping presents for a coin in the bank tbh.

Oysterbabe · 28/09/2019 10:54

My 3 year old loves getting cards. She'll be almost as excited about those as she will the presents.

EssentialHummus · 28/09/2019 10:59

aard my just turned 2 yo asks for her “princess card” from her bday every other day. And my favourite, proudly on the mantelpiece is a handmade one very proudly drawn by the attendee’s big sister. I wasn’t mad about cards but DD has swayed me.

krustykittens · 28/09/2019 11:03

Oh and people who don't think kids get excited by money - my youngest went through a phase of 'collecting' one pound coins. They had to be very new and shiny. She used to polish them and pretend they were gold and she was a dragon guarding her hoard. If you handed her a tenner, a dull note, she would have turned her nose up at it. So getting handed a load of very shiny pound coins for her birthday at one stage would have been amazing! She was four.

lyralalala · 28/09/2019 11:09

If you handed her a tenner, a dull note, she would have turned her nose up at it.

Oh that reminds me of DD1 trying to hide her upset because FIL promised her three pound coins so she could buy a specific thing once, but he only gave her one note instead.

Could not make her understand the correlation between notes and coins at all until BIL's then girlfriend took her to the amusement arcade at the beach and showed her the magic machine that turns your bit of paper into lots of coins!

ItIsWhatItIsInnit · 28/09/2019 11:26

I must be on a different planet because I don't think it's rude at all. We chuck away so much plastic and even if you give it to charity, it WILL eventually end up in landfill. No-one needs 50 presents. £2 in a card is a great idea.

I'd much rather give money for any occasion - especially weddings. If people are funny about it and would rather give you tat than £2, then at least it filters them out early.

ThatCurlyGirl · 28/09/2019 11:28

@EssentialHummus

my just turned 2 yo asks for her “princess card” from her bday every other day. And my favourite, proudly on the mantelpiece is a handmade one very proudly drawn by the attendee’s big sister. I wasn’t mad about cards but DD has swayed me.

Ah this is so cute, I'm very tired and zombie like today but it made my eyes water a bit!

Pannalash · 28/09/2019 11:31

Bloody hell just say no presents.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/09/2019 11:34

I’m environmentally friendly but still wouldn’t gift cash. I’ve seen too many people say they have used it for essentials for children or even something entirely else. A present for a child should be something they will love and enjoy.

00100001 · 28/09/2019 11:44

" A present for a child should be something they will love and enjoy"

Ok, so your 5yo has been in a class with "Sophie" for three weeks. They don't sit next to each other. It okay with each other really. Your child hasn't even mentioned this Sophie. Also, Sophie has a twin brother in another class. He is called Thomas.
But your child has been invited to her party as it's a whole class one.

What are you going to buy Sophie and Thomas that they will "love and enjoy" for their 5th birthday?

00100001 · 28/09/2019 11:46

@IceCreamandCandyFloss
👆

00100001 · 28/09/2019 11:47

"It okay with each other really" = "they don't play with each other really"

Userzzzzz · 28/09/2019 12:05

I would love it (as I like cash requests for weddings or a gift list). Lots hate it though so I wouldn’t want to be the first to ask. I’m hoping this happens when mine goes to school. When all class parties are common, no child really needs 30 odd presents. It’s fine to have some but my nieces and nephews used to come home with so much in reception by by y1 more and more parents did a voucher or cash.

Elenorrigbywoes · 28/09/2019 12:12

Mumsnet is a strange place at times! How many of you actually send your child to a party with no card or present. I have three children and they go to a lot of parties each year which does add up. If I got a message to say that £2 in a card would be appreciated I would be delighted. It just takes one person to set the precedent in the class and everyone else follows. It is a win win for everyone.

LolaSmiles · 28/09/2019 12:17

elenorrigbywoes
You're right. I'd love to have the option of £2 in a card for the piggy bank. I think specifying it as an option is good because of expressing preference for money Vs gifts otherwise puts pressure on people to give £5 or more which adds up.

I don't think it's a good idea to introduce that idea in a party when you've known everyone less than a month though.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/09/2019 12:20

Dear god, are people really so crass as to ask for cash for a child's birthday?

Unfortunately it was bound to happen. I'd bet good money that parents who do this are the same ones who sent a tacky poem asking for cash when they married, so it's hardly surprising if they feel "why not with the kids' gifts too"

What annoys me is when folk try to pretend it's really all for the donors' convenience, as if we don't know people are capable of deciding for themselves whether to traipse round the shops or just stick a note in a card

If you're going to be a CF, at least own it without making silly excuses and pretending that CFery is what everyone does

PeopleMover · 28/09/2019 12:21

People would really be 'outraged' because someone asked you to put £2 in their kids birthday card?! Confused Grin

Don't be ridiculous. I think people are pissed off mainly because they would love to request this themselves, but wouldn't dare.

Most normal people wouldn't care, but just incase some professionally offended Mumsnetters are in your DC's class I'd just go for 'no gifts'.

melj1213 · 28/09/2019 12:26

I would much rather stick some money in a card and let the child chose something they actually want than have to find a generic present for a kid I dont know that isnt the same thing every other parent has chosen because there are only a couple of toy shops in our small town.

When my DD was little, shes 11 now, she would play with the same few toys and had zero interest in anything else despite having an overflowing toy box. I dreaded birthdays/Christmas because it would just bring in more toys that I knew she wouldn't play with and would just fill up my house. What was worse was that I always felt guilty that I didn't stop people wasting their money on the things I knew would go unused because it felt rude and mean to say "Dont buy presents for my child"

So when she started school and we were inviting people for her birthday I always put on the invite "No presets required, but if you feel the need to bring something DD is saving up for X so a €2 coin in her card would be a welcome contribution towards her birthday wish" (We lived in Spain so it was euros but much like a PP my DD had a fascination with €2)

The "X" would change each year - sometimes it would be a larger toy/game and sometimes it would be an experience eg tickets to Disney on Ice or the zoo - but it would be something DD had specifically asked for - or was already saving for - so I knew it was something she would actually enjoy and/or play with.

Cryalot2 · 28/09/2019 12:27

No way would I ask for cash.
Also if I got an invite with such be it wedding or birhday I decline and often get nothing..
Not everyone feels comfortable with cash, some do not have it and others think no effort is made.
At best vouchers are preferred

MutedUser · 28/09/2019 12:32

The OP never mentioned £2 that has been previous posters. The actual words of the OP were a bit of cash in a card. Which to me sounds like a note. It wasn’t put a coin in a card.

HaileySherman · 28/09/2019 12:33

Another idea, as winter is coming, you could ask that in lieu of presents that they bring a new hat, scarf or mittens to be donated to the local homeless shelter. Your kids could go with you to donate and feel good about helping. Also around here for people who are skint, there are dollar stores to pick something up.

SudowoodoVoodoo · 28/09/2019 12:39

I would love to request a small amount of money in a card rather than drown in a sea of plastic. I'm just not brave enough to defy convention.

Two DCs coming to the end of the big parties phase. That is hundreds of presents littering up my home... apart from the cheapo ones that fell apart and were in landfill in weeks. Some did just get sent to a charity shop having remained unopened for a few weeks.

An excess of low value gifts just makes me feel crap and ungrateful then guilty about it, hardly the spirit of gift-giving! There have been some gems amongst them, but a lot of novelty stuff that is exhausted and useless within 5 minutes too. There was the year when the entire class came and it co-incided with the late stages of Toys R Us shutting down, again some presents were fantasic, but where the hell do they all go?

I'm happy to spend more on children I know better and know their interests, but more casual friends, I sling in £10 which is my default budget and let them choose what they want or save for something special.

Speculatively buying toys just because it's the done thing is madness for the planet, and parents' sanity. A modest amount of cash like the coin in a card is so much more sensible.

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