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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for cash instead of presents at kids party?

493 replies

HuntIdeas · 28/09/2019 05:29

My twins are having a 5th birthday party next week and have 50 guests between them! I’m starting to freak out about the number of presents they will get and where to keep them in the house (plus all that extra plastic that will end up at the dump). WIBU to send a group WhatsApp message asking not to bring presents or to put a bit of cash in a card and I can take them to get something they choose? How could I word it?

Most guests are their new classmates (only started 3 weeks ago), so I don’t know the parents

OP posts:
lyralalala · 28/09/2019 09:50

I love that some of the irate "think of the children" posters are conveniently ignoring the points of everyone who has actually done this with their kids.

Suppose it would be inconvenient to accept that the kids love it (first party I did it at was 10 years ago and DD2 still talks about going to the toy shop to buy her roller skates with the money), that they don't feel like they are missing out, far less tantrum, and they are not cast out by the peers, but in fact go to many parties.

Heaven forbid people should just accept that even if it's not for you, which is fine, it's actually alright for people to do things different. Doesn't make them the shit parents you are trying to cast them as.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 28/09/2019 09:50

FamilyOfAliens I am well aware that the @ function has been around a while. My point was that the new dropdown function means it has been subsumed into a convenient way to type and bold usernames without having to remember the spelling or put in asterisks. People will use it for that reason (though I hope you are suitably grateful that I bolded your name old school way above...) and won’t care that you might also get an email.

Dandelion1993 · 28/09/2019 09:50

If you didn't want a huge influx of gifts then don't invite 50 people.

I wouldn't give the children in my daughters class money. The only time I've given something different is a voucher for a ship her best friend's loves. I've known her since she was a baby though.

As for saying you'll re-gift them, are you just using this party as a way to do you Christmas shopping op?

GettingABitDesperateNow · 28/09/2019 09:52

I have seen kids at parties getting 20 or 30.presents. they seemed really overwhelmed to be honest, opening them and tossing them to the side. I honestly think the kids I know would appreciate a smaller amount of presents they actually like from people they know well, plus a trip to the shops to choose a new bike or something 'big'. No kid can appreciate 30 presents

lyralalala · 28/09/2019 09:55

@HuntIdeas For future parties one way of calming the presents is how you work the invitations. For a joint party people, I've found, generally will buy for who they are invited by.

So if you word it as "Anna would like to invite Mary to Anna & Elsa's birthday party..." then the parent bringing the child will generally only buy Anna a present. Whereas if you word it "Anna & Elsa would like to invite Mary to their birthday party" parents tend to buy for both.

It's especially handy when they are different classes and have some friends in common and some different.

sashamichele · 28/09/2019 09:55

I'm not organised enough to buy presents. Every party my 5 kids have attended I've put a fiver in a card. I'd have no problem with someone asking me for money.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/09/2019 09:56

What’s the point in accepting plastic tat you don’t want to gift it to charity?

Let's see now ...

The giver gets to choose what they want to do, un-badgered
The 5 year old has the fun of unwrapping their presents
Unwanted stuff offers chance for a chat about those who have little / the value of giving
The charity makes some much-needed money
And nobody gets offended

MoonageDaydreamz · 28/09/2019 09:56

Oh my goodness OP, do not ask for cash from your classmates parents, especially if you've known them for 3 weeks, it is incredibly rude and you'll not shake that reputation for their entire schooling! As a parent I would understand the sentiment but I would think it was so rude!

I think it would be fine to direct people to a non toy related hobby (eg one friend wanted stuff for a little children's garden they were doing so wanted seeds etc, which was really nice) or a cheap type of toy they collect.

You could ask for money from your real friends or family as its not the same as asking a load of parents you don't know, but personally I still wouldn't.

What I would do in your situation is make s list of presents received and who gave them and when you have opened your 5th box of playdough or colouring set etc you can start to put them away and you can regift (just keep the list so you don't reguft to the same person). So you'll probably get a whole year's worth of little presents to regift and your kids will still have lots of new things to play with.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 28/09/2019 09:57

My experience of kids’ parties is so far only up to age 3 and at that age there is too much going in for them to be interested in opening presents. While I do understand SaraNade’s point about kids liking the presents- I can see that particularly for older kids with smaller parties- I would probably opt for “no gifts please” if I was really not keen for presents to factor in.

However it is beyond wrong for a parent to take the presents, hide them and give them away.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 28/09/2019 09:57

I just dont understand why it's seen as 'better' to get a load of plastic that then sift through it and regift or charity shop it, than get a coin for their piggy bank! Its just so pointless

SaraNade · 28/09/2019 09:57

@anothernamejeeves I don't get this modern craze where it seems to be utterly abhorrent to let kids be kids and enjoy kids stuff! Well said! I am shaking my head in dismay and disgust at some of these posts by utterly self-absorbed adults who are thinking as adults and only about themselves. Someone even said it was too much bother and petrol money (ffs, yes, can you believe that?) to buy a present for a small child that has just turned five. Wtf is wrong with these people? Why bother even having children at all, when you clearly don't like kids and can't put adult thoughts aside for the innocence of a small child? There are some people that simply clearly don't understand children at all and it makes one wonder why they bothered even having children, when they cannot even see the magic and excitement through a child's eyes. I think these cruel people should just have their child's birthday party all for themselves, and remove the child from the equation altogether. After all, it's all about the adult to them, not the child. 'Oh too many gifts, too much plastic, too much 'tat', I can't be bothered wrapping a present for a child, I don't want to spend petrol money'. What scrooge-like, self-absorbed people on here. Wtf is wrong with these people. When the spirit of buying a present, wrapping it, giving it is too much in 2019.

Next, there will be posts about their child being invited to a party and the poster wanting to ask for petrol money reimbursement from the host and are they being unreasonable for wanting to be reimbursed for spending petrol money, money on a card, money and time spent wrapping a present. Think I'm exaggerating? Lol I would have thought so. Until I read the abhorrent posts on here today. Now, nothing would surprise me. Absolutely nothing at all. Hmm Time for me to hide this thread. AIBU really does bring out such selfish misers and abhorrent people.

converseandjeans · 28/09/2019 09:57

When DS was younger it was always gifts then probably from year 2 onwards people just started putting money in a card. Then everyone followed suit. He doesn't really play much with toys but has in the past had enough to buy a bike or a decent amount for his switch. If 12-15 boys come and a couple bring gifts he can easily get over £100. It's so much easier not having to faff about finding a gift. Think this time you'll have to suck it up but perhaps you can start the trend? Doesn't need to be £10. A fiver and a pack of sweets would do?

lyralalala · 28/09/2019 10:01

Someone even said it was too much bother and petrol money (ffs, yes, can you believe that?)

Not a single person said that. You are twisting peoples words to suit your own ridiculous rantings.

People do things different to you. Get over it and stop being ridiculous and accusing people of being shit parents and spoiling their children’s birthdays.

JoanieCash · 28/09/2019 10:02

My dd was in a reception class where a group of 3 kids had a joint big party together but parents all said on card ‘absolutely no presents, but if you insist a max £5 in total’ (to cover the 3 kids, so spend £1.66 per child) and they’d use it to take them to the theatre. There was transiently a bit of eyebrow raising but it was much better all round: not having to get 3 presents, and no plastic shit for them to take home, and they had fun at later theatre trip and £1.66 per child is going to break very few banks.

Butchyrestingface · 28/09/2019 10:03

Time for me to hide this thread. AIBU really does bring out such selfish misers and abhorrent people.

Well, thank fuck she's gone. Grin

Now, getting back to business, I initially vehemently disagreed with the idea of asking for money but I think the suggestion of a "no gift but if you must..." £1 inside a card in an envelope would be fine.

An old friend and her sister never got any birthday presents at their parties. Their mother had a rule about it. They both coped.

StarStarBright · 28/09/2019 10:04

I’d decline an invitation if there was a request for cash. How rude

scoobydoo1971 · 28/09/2019 10:06

Accept the presents, and then donate them to a local charity as plenty are seeking gifts for kids at Christmas time. I had a party for my, then, 6 year old child. About 60 kids turned up and we had loads of unwanted stuff so I donated to the local hospital for their Santa paediatric ward run. It is better than having toys hanging about that no-one uses at home.

SunMoonRainShine · 28/09/2019 10:06

That would be awful... If you're so worried just say 'no presents'!

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 28/09/2019 10:06

@lyralalala

Yes, someone did say that they’d be pleased to give money as it would save them petrol money and the time spent choosing the present. On mobile so can’t scroll back several pages to find and quote but it’s there.

00100001 · 28/09/2019 10:06

Well, surely just a reminder of the "no gifts please" is all that's needed? Confused

headinhands · 28/09/2019 10:07

I asked for no presents.

My stomach was turned at a party where the mum had a whole class party. They were well off but most families were struggling and seeing this pile of presents was a bit yuck.

BottleBrushTail · 28/09/2019 10:08

No - don't ask for cash. You could ask:

  1. no presents
  2. if they wish to purchase a present please donate a toy bank/children's hospital or similar
onioncrumble · 28/09/2019 10:09

This is when granny suddenly has a fall and we cancel. It's always a good filter system Grin

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 28/09/2019 10:09

@scoobydoo1971

Accept the presents, and then donate them to a local charity as plenty are seeking gifts for kids at Christmas time.

Fine, as long as the birthday children are given them first and involved in the decision to give them away (even if the second part needs quite a lot of coaxing- funny in this house how a toy that is never touched becomes their absolute favourite the minute I suggest it’s ready for the charity shop)

lyralalala · 28/09/2019 10:09

@ArgumentativeAardvaark That's absolutely not the same as saying it was too much bother to do it though... It's twisting what they said to suit her rant.