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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL being paid for caring

129 replies

ladybird69 · 28/09/2019 02:02

My Mum is elderly and depending more and more on help. I do what I can ie washing and shopping for her. My SIL washes my mums legs once a week. My mum was taken Ill recently and I slept in a chair for a few nights then my SIL slept over 2 nights. I’ve since found out that my mum pays my SIL for everything she does including the sleeping over. Yet she tells everyone she does it out of the goodness of her heart, I’m really pissed that she would take money from poor old lady. AIBU? Thinking you don’t charge your own mother/mother-in-law

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 28/09/2019 02:06

What is your brother doing to help?

Original poster
ladybird69 · 28/09/2019 02:08

Nothing he doesn’t ‘do’ old people! And he’s got really hard job!!! 🤨

OP posts:
riotlady · 28/09/2019 02:12

If your mum is sound enough in the head to be managing her own finances then it’s not really any of your business?

Oodlesandpoodles · 28/09/2019 02:14

Right - so is she being paid a carers allowance or is your mum directly paying her from her savings etc?

You need to look at getting your mother assessed from a NHS / council standpoint to get proper carers in to do dressings.

I wonder how much your mum is paying her and just how much in return she’s doing

HelenaDove · 28/09/2019 02:15

So your brother is a sexist lazy git who "doesnt do old people" and his wife is the one you are having a go at? Really?!

Enabler much?

Rachelover60 · 28/09/2019 02:31

I don't think it's wrong of your mother to pay your sister in law, I daresay she offered it in the first place. She will be in receipt of allowances so is hardly going to be bled dry. Elderly people like to be independent and to treat their family.

Washing the poor old lady's legs once a week doesn't seem like much though. She surely does more than that.

HennyPennyHorror · 28/09/2019 02:32

Get your Mum assessed for a proper carer. This is SHIT of SIL. I've offered to look after my MIL in the same way I would have done for my own Mother..free of charge! Would not ever have thought of cash!. That's normal...I see MIL as family.

BoomBoomsCousin · 28/09/2019 02:34

I think charging your mum is probably a bit off but your MiL? Why should your SiL do it at all for free when your DM has two children who could do it?

I think your ire is directed at the wrong person here, focus on your brother.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 28/09/2019 02:44

Is she really a poor old lady? Does SIL get carers' allowance or does your mum pay her directly?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 28/09/2019 02:45

Oh and yes your brother sounds spectacularly useless but I doubt that is news to youGrin

Original poster
ladybird69 · 28/09/2019 02:58

Unfortunately I’m registered disabled so although I’d love to do everything for my mum I physically can’t. Mum is on low benefits but she’s not paying £5-£10 shes paying her a lot more. But my feelings are you don’t charge family it’s done out of love. My brother is a useless waste of space that’s whole different story.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 28/09/2019 03:02

She shouldnt be paying your SIL that amount I agree.

But equally you shouldnt be letting your bro get away with this attitude simply because he has a penis.

And you are registered disabled which your bro must know This is one of those threads that is gonna make him look more and more like a prick as more spills out.

Rachelle11 · 28/09/2019 03:09

Seems your anger is displaced.

Rachelle11 · 28/09/2019 03:10

If you and your brother both aren't able or in his case willing to take care of her, why shouldn't your sil get paid?

Jent13c · 28/09/2019 03:26

If your mum is entitled to attendance of carers allowance and your SIL is providing that care (and therefore unable to work as many hours/pursue her own activities) then yes she absolutely should receive the allowance. It is mentally and physically exhausting caring for a family member especially as needs increase and if you are unable and your brother unwilling then good for your SIL. It sounds like you all need to sit down as a family and discuss a longer term plan as care needs increase as I feel theres a breakdown in communication about what shes actually doing and what she is getting paid for.
I cared for my husbands gran who told everyone no one was bothering with her even though my MIL was making her food 3x a day and I was settling her and getting her ready every day. Which is quite a lot when working full time, looking after a 2 year old and being pregnant. Also I was the one straight round getting help when she fell at home. So if that affects the amount of hours I can work/time with my children I should just be doing it out of the 'goodness of my heart' even though the government has put attendance and carers allowance in place for that reason?

MyNameIsAlexDrake · 28/09/2019 03:29

Do you know what allowances your mum gets? Eg attendance allowance, disability living allowance, pip?

My MIL used to 'pay' both her children for care. My SIL used to do her cleaning, washing, change bed clothes. We used to do her weekly shopping and cook meals when she wasn't able to herself.

None of us wanted money for doing the little that we did but MIL insisted on it and paid it direct into our bank account. MIL claimed that it is was what the benefits were for and that she was glad we could do them without having to pay for strangers to come in.

You know what though, she was right. My own mum is now severely disabled and gets DLA but needs 24/7 care that my dad provides. My dad gets paid the absolute pitiful amount of carers allowance. If my dad suddenly walked away all the council could provide my mum would be help twice a day for personal care e.g. getting dressed, toileting, washing. All other costs, for example house cleaning and shopping would have to be sourced by my mum and paid from her DLA. The only other alternative being full time nursing care

HalloweenTinsel · 28/09/2019 03:37

I don't think your anger is misplaced, it sounds like you're not exactly enamoured by your brother's standpoint on this and have already resigned yourself to his shittiness.

But you make it sound like SIL does less than you do, and gets paid for what little she does.

I'm guessing it's not that you think you should receive money if she does, but that you don't think your mum should have to part with money because she's family.

And different people will have different opinions on that.

Does anyone help you at home? And does your SIL have a job, does her helping your mum impact on her job at all?

PPs are right that it's her money and her decision and I don't think you should get involved but I would be miffed in your position, and I could definitely see the same happening with my own family re brother not helping. But that's the fault of my parents, well, father, for demonstrating what is "wifework" to my brother, who went into fatherhood not intending to do nappies etc because our dad didn't huge eyeroll

Don't know what else to say.

Toastymash · 28/09/2019 03:41

Your brother should be doing this. He sounds like a twat.

ConkerGame · 28/09/2019 03:51

Typical “women’s work” i.e. caring is so undervalued in our society. Why should SIL not be paid? Plenty of people pay their parents for childcare even though it’s family. It’s still a big commitment, time burden etc.

It’s not her own parent and your brother isn’t even doing anything to help at all! Be mad with him!

meccacos2 · 28/09/2019 04:35

This is elder abuse, your SIL is taking advantage of your poor mother.

You need to get your mother assessed. She clearly needs help.

PaganPriestess · 28/09/2019 04:54

I would look into two things, care for your Mum from Social Services, maybe Direct Payments for yourself, again through social services.

The only way I can think I would take money for caring for someone, is if I was losing out on money elsewhere.

Can I ask, what is your relationship like with them as individuals? Has there been issues in the past?

I don't believe you'd get anywhere questioning it, one or both parties might say, it's not your business. Although if your Mum struggles financially then it would make sense to step in.

OldAndWornOut · 28/09/2019 05:06

There is a vast difference between your mum choosing (quite rightly) to pay your sister in law a fair amount to help her out, and your sister in law taking advantage of the situation.

To qualify for legitimate carers allowance she would need to show that she spends 35 hours a week helping your mum, which it doesn't sound as if she is doing.

I don't know what the solution is to this, though, its complicated.

PaganPriestess · 28/09/2019 05:15

I would query why it bothers you, is it SIL being a CF? Or is it that your Mum feels bad for even needing this help, she feels better handing over money for jobs done.

With you being poorly, I think I'm right in saying, you can't really commit to helping your Mum.

Sometimes we have to grit our teeth and hold our tongues. Am I right in thinking you didn't get anything for the help you provided, so you can't see why SIL should be paid.

Aridane · 28/09/2019 05:20

This is elder abuse, your SIL is taking advantage of your poor mother

Bit of a leP

Aridane · 28/09/2019 05:21

Leap even