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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL being paid for caring

129 replies

ladybird69 · 28/09/2019 02:02

My Mum is elderly and depending more and more on help. I do what I can ie washing and shopping for her. My SIL washes my mums legs once a week. My mum was taken Ill recently and I slept in a chair for a few nights then my SIL slept over 2 nights. I’ve since found out that my mum pays my SIL for everything she does including the sleeping over. Yet she tells everyone she does it out of the goodness of her heart, I’m really pissed that she would take money from poor old lady. AIBU? Thinking you don’t charge your own mother/mother-in-law

OP posts:

gobbynorthernbird · 28/09/2019 09:30

I think it is possible to do something out of 'the goodness of your heart' and get paid for it.
My neighbour gets a benefit (I think it's her attendance allowance) for caring for his elderly DM, who has dementia and is doubly incontinent. He does it because he loves her very much. However, it is a 24/7 commitment which prevents him form doing his usual, much more lucrative, work, or having a life of his own. And it is bloody hard going.

fedup21 · 28/09/2019 09:34

If SIL is doing care work (the care work that your mother’s own son refuses to do) then I think she deserves to be paid for her time. Especially if she’s doing overnight work. If you don’t like it, get your mum a proper career. Care work is exhausting and draining and SIL doesn’t have to do it for free!

I agree!

Your brother won’t do it.
You can’t do it.

Your SIL will and can do it-why the hell should she do it free? Does she work? Is the caring preventing her working?

Maybe she should stop, get herself a job and you and your brother can sort all the care out instead?

yumscrumfatbum · 28/09/2019 09:38

If MIL has capacity to decide and wants to pay SIL then in my opinion it is entirely appropriate. For MIL it's a good way to ensure SIL commitment. I was given a similar opportunity by my MIL a few years ago. I had been popping in daily for a month or so whilst on mat leave and she wanted to make it a more formal arrangement. I declined because I found it really emotionally wearing (she was terminally ill and very angry about her situation) but also because I felt that DH's family would disapprove of me taking payment from her.

letsjog · 28/09/2019 09:42

It's ultimately up to your mum if she wants to pay SIL.

However I'd be rather pissed off if she was going around telling everyone she's doing it out of the goodness of her heart whilst pocketing the money. I'd be calling her out on that.

GrouchoMrx · 28/09/2019 09:44

Your SIL should walk away now.

The OP and her brother can then sort out your mother's care between you.

formerbabe · 28/09/2019 09:45

I think it's probably wrong to accept money from her, but also I'd say a dil is under no obligation to look after her mil.

MidniteScribbler · 28/09/2019 09:45

So your SIL sleeps over for two nights a week and should do it for nothing, whilst the woman's own children can't or won't help her out.

Poor SIL. She's expected to be the carer for her MIL because her husband is a lazy fuck, the woman's daughter says that she can't, so she should stay overnight and provide caring duties. Fuck sakes, get your mother a carer, and stop expecting your SIL to be her carer.

Belindabelle · 28/09/2019 09:46

My MIL pays me. She doesn’t have to as I would help her anyway without the money but she appreciates all I do and insists that I am paid for my time and efforts.

I do her shopping, admin, household chores she can’t manage and just spend time with her. I take her to medical appointments which are many. She does not claim carers allowance. I would not do her personal care so if she starts to need that she would need to be formally assessed.

My DH works abroad so I really see this as a favour to him and feel uncomfortable about taking the money. However as she lives some distance away I use the money to cover my fuel costs.

BIL visits once a week but does nothing. His wife rarely accompanies him, never sees MIL on her own and never phones her. They live 3 miles away. I visit twice a week and phone her most days.

MIL says she feels guilty as DH and I have never received any help from her yet we are the only ones who are now helping. She provided free childcare for BIL, paid for holidays and bailed him out with mortgage and credit card payments.

Chunkers · 28/09/2019 10:18

Maybe your Mum WANTS to give her money. Why shouldn’t she? Maybe she would rather have SIL round instead of some stranger who would charge £££ more. That’s between them. She is still doing it from the goodness of her heart, it’s not her ‘job’ and helps your Mum.

When money is involved, the shit hits the fan. Those that don’t object to those that do. They are there selfish ones.

Cohle · 28/09/2019 10:25

I think what's pissing the OP off is not only that her SIL is charging but that she's claiming publicly to be doing it out of the goodness of her heart and reaping the praise that comes from that.

I'd be annoyed too OP. The fact your SIL is being secretive about it would raise alarm bells about whether she's taking advantage to be honest.

WellButterMyArse · 28/09/2019 10:38

Well by all means be pissed off about that part. The rest of it is completely unreasonable.

fedup21 · 28/09/2019 10:44

Yet she tells everyone she does it out of the goodness of her heart

Does she really actually say that?!

I’ve never heard anyone say that without taking the piss.

If it really bothers you and you would rather do it yourself or get your mum carers in (we did this with my Nan and it was expensive and incredibly unreliable!) then call her out on it.

I’m sure your mum will be pleased...

I hope your mum remembers her DIL in her will.

LaurieMarlow · 28/09/2019 10:49

It’s a bit much to expect SIL (who is taking a leading role in your mum’s care) to do this for free. Her time is valuable and I’m sure she has other commitments and concerns.

If it makes you uncomfortable, pay a carer.

EleanorReally · 28/09/2019 10:51

You have no case op

seaweedandmarchingbands · 28/09/2019 11:24

Your SIL is under no obligation to your mother. You and your brother (arguably) are responsible for her. But your SIL should be, out of love, doing what you can’t and your brother won’t?

Here’s a grip. You’re welcome.

ShiveringCoyote · 28/09/2019 11:25

Caring for someone is a huge commitment and quite rightly your SIL should be paid. Its sexist bs that you gloss over your brother's lack of helping.

As usual women are expected to give time and energy for free.

Rachelover60 · 28/09/2019 11:26

I expect your SIL did offer to help your mother in law 'out of the goodness of her heart' but MIL decided to give her some money which is quite usual. I must say I don't understand your resentment. When she dies, your MIL's money and property will go to her children.

My husband and I helped look after my mother in law (who many health problems but the principal one was Parkinsons), with the aid of carers who came in. We were glad to do it and didn't ask for money but she gave us some every week. It made her feel independent and she wasn't going out anywhere to spend any.

It really isn't anyone else's business who pays whom and for what.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 28/09/2019 11:27

Also, your mum may not wish it to be known that she is paying.

Rachelover60 · 28/09/2019 12:36

Sorry I said mum in law and not mum in my last post, human error.

Aridane · 28/09/2019 14:55

Your SIL sounds an awesome and caring woman- your mother is lucky to be cared for by her

Original poster

ladybird69 · 28/09/2019 21:36

@midnitescribbler I sleep over when I’m needed but I can’t sleep on the floor for more than couple of nights as I’m disabled. I don’t ask for payment I don’t expect payment. SIL does exactly the same thing yet she gets all the praise and mum gives her money whilst telling everyone how wonderful SIL is. Could be I just need to grow up. But my mum has been disabled for nearly 40 years I’ve taken care of her until I myself became disabled and now sil seems to get all the thanks. As for brother he’s a total waste of space , long back story.

OP posts:

Rachelover60 · 29/09/2019 01:34

Maybe your mum shows appreciation to your sister in law because she is not her daughter. It doesn't mean you're not appreciated. You will inherit when she dies.

Could you not put a fold up bed in the room rather than sleep on the floor? There are some quite comfy ones.

FixItUpChappie · 29/09/2019 02:00

"SIL does exactly the same thing yet she gets all the praise and mum gives her money whilst telling everyone how wonderful SIL"

Hm your not coming off well with that OP. So your jealous and feel less appreciated....well, you are the daughter and she is not.

I like my MIL fine but do not love her - if I were to help her it would be out of a sense of duty and for the love of my husband/children. That's not quite the same thing as caring for your own mum. 2 nights a week staying overnight - id consider that doing a lot IMO. Not to say you aren't either but you have the much closer relationship so it's harder.

She can get paid and still be doing it out of the goodness of her heart. Any financial is between your mum and her anyway.

Sleepyblueocean · 29/09/2019 06:30

"She can get paid and still be doing it out of the goodness of her heart."

This. Many people get paid (ie carers allowance) and are still doing it out of the goodness of their hearts.

Thehouseintheforest · 29/09/2019 06:47

Op. - please make sure your mother has claimed attendance allowance. If not than get to CAB/Age uk and make sure to claim it. Once awarded she will also get 'disability premiums' in housing allowance/pension credit. Will be a big boost to her income.

When she has been awarded AA - you OR your sil can be paid a carers allowance. It is irrelevant that you are 'registered disabled - as there is no longer such a thing. The recognition of disability is the award of DLA/PIP .. neither of which will stop an entitlement to Carers.. the only thing that effects it is earnings but I am assuming from your post you aren't working?

Apologies if you are - google carers allowance and it will tell you how much you can earn and still get it.

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