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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL being paid for caring

129 replies

ladybird69 · 28/09/2019 02:02

My Mum is elderly and depending more and more on help. I do what I can ie washing and shopping for her. My SIL washes my mums legs once a week. My mum was taken Ill recently and I slept in a chair for a few nights then my SIL slept over 2 nights. I’ve since found out that my mum pays my SIL for everything she does including the sleeping over. Yet she tells everyone she does it out of the goodness of her heart, I’m really pissed that she would take money from poor old lady. AIBU? Thinking you don’t charge your own mother/mother-in-law

OP posts:

Bourbonbiccy · 29/09/2019 07:04

She is probably paying your SIL as she is exactly that, an in law, you are her flesh and blood and she probably feels you don't really expect to be paid to care for your own mother.

It really is non of you business, if your mother is of sound mind, she can pay whom she chooses.

rookiemere · 29/09/2019 07:33

You could ask your DM to buy a mattress/ new bed with her money. Would make life much easier than sleeping on the floor if that's your main barrier to helping out more as you've mentioned it twice, and it seems relatively easy to sort out a solution.

TabbyMumz · 29/09/2019 08:51

What do you mean you are registered disabled? Registered where? As far as I know, there is no register?

TabbyMumz · 29/09/2019 08:53

"The recognition of disability is the award of DLA/PIP .."
Not necessarily so. You can be disabled and not be on pip. Pip is not means tested.

EleanorReally · 29/09/2019 08:56

please dont let your jealousy get in the way in this situation. accept SIL is being appreciated vocally as well as financially, as well she should, does not mean your mum should love your less

Countrylifeornot · 29/09/2019 09:08

You sound very bitter OP. Would you prefer Mam went without care?

AMAM8916 · 29/09/2019 09:21

Like you say, you are disabled and your brother can't be bothered so your SIL, who is not even blood related to her is doing it basically.

If your mum wants to pay her, that's her choice. She'd have to pay an agency a lot of money for overnight care. She would probably get some day time state care though if she applied for it

summersherewishiwasnt · 29/09/2019 09:27

I can see your point, but what are the alternatives? Your sil’s work opportunity shrinks if she’s caring for your dm, perhaps she needs the money.
You can’t
Your dB won’t
Sil gets paid
Stranger/career gets paid
You dm gets no assistance
I’d be considering myself fortunate because you have someone willing, able and that your dm knows well.
Unless there is something you are not saying.

OwlBeThere · 29/09/2019 09:34

I’m get carers allowance for taking care of my children with autism, does that mean I’m not doing out of the ‘goodness of my heart’? And that I’m some kind of money grabber?

Your SIL isn’t obliged to do it, so if she’s getting paid then what business is it of yours? You sound bitter and jealous.

LunasOrchid · 29/09/2019 09:37

I think YABU and that jealousy is clouding your judgement. You say yoire angry that your SIL receives money from your mum when in fact, you're angry that she gets the gushing praise from your mum when you've been caring for her for longer.

Lyingonthesofainthedark · 29/09/2019 11:03

I think that if you believe you are doing work that your SiL is paid for, you should work it through with her. It may not be what you think. I don't think it is your SiLs responsibility to do this, whether her DH is busy or not. She has family too.

Rachelover60 · 29/09/2019 11:33

Please do try and accept the status quo, op. You'll feel better if you do and there's nothing you can do about it if you don"t! It is what it is.

As I said in an earlier post, you will inherit when your mum dies and I'm sure she does appreciate you.

You talked about your brother being useless in this scenario. There are people who just cannot cope with doing intimate care for relatives, it's not their fault and they can be men or women. I know this, a cousin of mine couldn't bear the thought of (for example) cleaning up her mother when she was ill, it made her feel ill. She didn't want to be like that but that is how she was (she found dog and cat poo difficult to deal with, and vomit). We are all different.

I'm quite happy to care for someone but it's not because there's anything special about me, it's just how I am. There are plenty of other things I can't do, the list is endless!

It strikes me that you care very much about your mother and you do what you can. Please try and get some sort of comfortable fold up bed for when you have to stay, not an impossible task. Ask around in shops that sell such things.

Leave any resentment behind you, it's not worth the anguish you are causing yourself.

katewhinesalot · 29/09/2019 11:40

I wouldn't want to care for my mil, nice lady that she is. I don't want to care for my own mother but would be more inclined to do it as she's my mother.

If sil needs a financial incentive to get involved then I think that's reasonable as long as it's not disproportionate to what she's actually doing.

You are doing not a nice job out of love, as you yourself, say. Your sil won't be doing it out of love. It's not her mother.

Nearlyalmost50 · 29/09/2019 13:25

Look for a fold-up bed on Freecycle, I gave one away recently as no room for it and it was ace! This would be a good investment for you all given the situation.

As for the rest, I am sympathetic to you. Some people do not get the praise, thanks or anything, and others are praised to the skies for doing very little (not saying SIL is doing little but this is often the case). These things are tangled up with a lifetime of problematic relationships and I can understand, if you have cared for your mum for 40 odd years then you do feel a bit bitter if she praises others to the skies but not you. It is very hard to be a carer, but even harder if the person is not grateful. All I can say is only give what you can give- if it's one shop a week and overnight in an emergency, then that's that. Don't give more than you feel you can given your own disability and also get your mum assessed for adult social services care/health-care as well as she may be entitled to more help. You can also get your own assessment as a carer by the council.

Socksontheradiator · 29/09/2019 13:36

Am I right in thinking you also do a lot for your mother? If that's the case, I think she should be paying both of you. It's not just about who's mother it is, it's about valuing your time (particularly if you are turning down work in order to do it)
I recommend getting mother assessed, and seeing what, of anything, she's entitled to. And look into carers allowance too, for both of you.

JoeMaplin · 29/09/2019 13:43

Is your Mum getting Aa? What rate? If she is on a low income presumably she.is getting pension credit too. These allowances are designed for her to pay for the help she needs to stay at home. If she has low savings, she will not have to pay for social care of she needs it so you show get a proper assessment.

Original poster

ladybird69 · 01/10/2019 02:10

@TabbymumZ I receive PIP.
My brother and SIL are very comfortable my SIL doesn’t work (to the point of being bored) and children have all grown up. My mum is on benefits so she struggles and I am on benefits and I too struggle. Will look into Carers allowance and maybe for me too!!! Will look into bed settee etc and will plan for the future. Thanks for your thoughts.

OP posts:

Rachelover60 · 01/10/2019 02:26

Excellent ladybird. Your mum will be entitled to some benefits, not all are means tested such as PIP. There used to be an 'Attendance Allowance' too but I'm not up to date with all that.

TabbyMumz · 01/10/2019 22:11

Ladybird.....there is still no register for the disabled? Pip is a benefit you can apply for if you are disabled, so I suppose is "proof" that you have a disability but that does not mean you are "registered" disabled. People can be disabled, and not claim pip if they don't want to, or they might not meet the criteria for it, but still consider themselves disabled.

TabbyMumz · 01/10/2019 22:12

Rachel....pip is not means tested.

Rachelover60 · 01/10/2019 22:58

Yes I know that, I said so. Like the DLA which preceded it was not means tested.

I imagine the op's mum would be entitled to it - maybe gets it already.

Aridane · 02/10/2019 07:34

Am I right in thinking you also do a lot for your mother? If that's the case, I think she should be paying both of you

I don’t agree that the mother should be paying her daughter- ie the OP - as opposed to DIL, but can’t quite pinpoint why

Original poster

ladybird69 · 03/10/2019 02:06

Hi just an update. My mum has asked for some old hand towels, I told her that I had loads in the back of my airing cupboard but before I could get there my sil turns up with her 2 ‘old’ hand towels and charges mum £10 to replace them as she took them out of her airing cupboard!
A) I wouldn’t have charged my mum for some of my old towels. And
B) for £10 you can get brand new ones!!!! So she happy to give mum old ones and buy new for herself!

OP posts:

Thelistwizard · 03/10/2019 07:13

So what did she say when you challenged her on it?

fedup21 · 03/10/2019 07:30

Have you talked directly to your brother and sister in law about the hand towels?

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