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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL being paid for caring

129 replies

ladybird69 · 28/09/2019 02:02

My Mum is elderly and depending more and more on help. I do what I can ie washing and shopping for her. My SIL washes my mums legs once a week. My mum was taken Ill recently and I slept in a chair for a few nights then my SIL slept over 2 nights. I’ve since found out that my mum pays my SIL for everything she does including the sleeping over. Yet she tells everyone she does it out of the goodness of her heart, I’m really pissed that she would take money from poor old lady. AIBU? Thinking you don’t charge your own mother/mother-in-law

OP posts:
Shoutouttomyspecs · 28/09/2019 07:58

This is elder abuse, your SIL is taking advantage of your poor mother.
Is this actually for real? I despair of mn at times
Your sil is caring for your mum. I’m assuming you are happy for her to do that, you just don’t want her gaining from it. If your mum is on very low benefits I doubt she’s paying her a lot.
Hopefully she’s claiming attendance allowance.
I can’t believe you are bitter about this. I would be over the moon, and ashamed of my brother for this

WellButterMyArse · 28/09/2019 07:58

Expecting the nearest available vagina person to do unpaid caring work because the man won't is a pretty shit look OP.

soupandasandwich · 28/09/2019 08:00

.

Butterymuffin · 28/09/2019 08:01

Your 'feelings' can govern your own decision about whether or not to accept money. You can't make that decision for other people. And stop letting your brother off. He could be doing the shopping now you're not capable - that's not personal care.

isabellerossignol · 28/09/2019 08:02

Why shouldn't she be paid, assuming the offer was made freely by the elderly person, and its not an unrealistic amount.

My sisters and I cared for my father and he used to regularly give us a little money because it made him feel more in control of the situation. He hated being a burden on us. And he knew that all those trips to see him, the taking him to the doctor, the trips to the pharmacy, the new pyjamas here and there, were actually costing us money.

We would have done it for free anyway, and we did do it for free when he became too ill to think of money. But caring responsibilities frequently prevent women (and it is almost always women) from working at their full earning potential. Why shouldn't they be compensated financially?

Sunnysidegold · 28/09/2019 08:14

Perhaps your mum feels the need to compensate your sil as she doesn't see it as something she should do for someone not blood related? People can be a bit funny about that sometimes. Like I wouldn't mind my mum caring for me but would feel a bit funny having my mil do it.

I think you have a few issues needing addressed.

One is how much care your mum needs, as others have pointed out, a full assessment of her needs is required to see if she is eligible for additional help or benefits.

The second is the issue of paying your sil. Is it that she is proclaiming to do it out of the goodness of her heart while getting some money from your mum? Or is it that you'rec concerned about your mum overpaying or being taken advantage of.

The third issue is your brother. He sounds like a really lovely person Hmm . At least his wife is stepping up. Unfortunately caring for the elderly relatives is still sometimes seen by some as "woman's work". You maybe need to have a chat with your mum and brother. It doesn't seem like you're coming back to this thread though.

Blankscreen · 28/09/2019 08:14

I think it's probably far nicer for your mother to be looked after. by someone she knows and trusts than a succession of different agency care workers..

From your mother's perspective her daughter can't and her son won't look after her.

She is probably paying her Dil so that (a) she doesn't feel like a burden and (b) it's worth dil's time to.do.it and she will carry on.
You need to reember this isn't sil's mum.

Tbh I think you should either step up (and do more) or shut up.

Your brother being a twat is a different issue.

soupandasandwich · 28/09/2019 08:15

Normally, I would feel it wrong to accept payment from family , however, I think if it's a regular commitment by your SIL, actually, an agreed rate of pay would be fair. I think it's also important to remember that this is not SILs mother, it's her MIL. As a daughter, I would be happy to help care for my mum with no payment, although I know her well enough to know she would 'treat' anyone who helped out regularly. Not cash, but a meal out, a pot of nice face cream , something she knows we like but maybe don't buy ourselves. Otoh, my MIL has made it very clear, throughout the 40 years I've known her, that I am not good enough for her family and if she'd had her way, Dh and I would never have married. She has ignored our children, her eldest grandchildren, and even this week, has done something that again, makes it very clear that none of us are considered to be members of her family. So, Dh will continue to make sure she is supported in her current illness, but as for me, I'm done. There isn't enough money in the world that would make me even insider helping her out.
You say SIL should help 'out of love', not everybody loves their ILs.

Apolloanddaphne · 28/09/2019 08:16

It depends if your MIL chooses to pay your SIL or if your SIL demands to be paid? Vast difference really.

womenspeakout · 28/09/2019 08:17

So your brother is a sexist lazy git who "doesnt do old people" and his wife is the one you are having a go at? Really?!

This is what I thought too.

Also, she may not have asked, your mum may have given it/offered it herself.

Really, is it any concern of yours, your mum needs care, and she's getting it. If SIL hadn't stepped in, mum would have to pay outside carers.

It's not 'charging family' if it's given in good faith.

Pinkyyy · 28/09/2019 08:18

I don't see what business it is of yours tbh. You sound like you're upset because she's getting money you think you're entitled to inherit.

Grandmi · 28/09/2019 08:18

Speaking for myself I would never want any of my own children helping me with personal care...it’s all about dignity! If your mother has full mental capacity and is comfortable having your SIL caring than that’s fine . Why should SIL not be paid ? She could be using that time earning money or just enjoying her hobbies etc ! I think the fact your brother is how he is ,is,neither here nor there ! Does he spend time visiting his mother ?

isabellerossignol · 28/09/2019 08:24

Speaking for myself I would never want any of my own children helping me with personal care...it’s all about dignity!

It was incredibly upsetting for both of us when I had to start helping him with personal care. I cried. A lot. And I saw tears in his eyes too. But the alternative was to regularly leave him lying in a bed full of faeces and urine for hours at a time until the carers arrived.

misspiggy19 · 28/09/2019 08:26

Why should SIL not be paid? Plenty of people pay their parents for childcare even though it’s family.

^I don’t know anyone that pays their parents for childcare.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 28/09/2019 08:30

Yet she tells everyone she does it out of the goodness of her heart - this is what would really annoy me, though I'm not sure who is saying the SIL is caring for her MIL "out of the goodness of her heart" when SIL is actually being paid for it. That's what I thought the OP was mostly complaining about, rather than the actual payment of SIL.
(But also agree with a ppp that the nearest person with a vagina should not be automatically expected to care for a relative, paid or unpaid.)

Teddybear45 · 28/09/2019 08:32

I don’t think you know what your Sil does And doesn’t do for your mum OP if you aren’t caring for her. I provide care for a relative and the worst thing anyone who doesn’t provide care can do is stick their ore in. You can’t provide care, I appreciate there are reasons for that, but if your sil is why shouldn’t your mil recompense her in any way she sees fit? Or did you hope she’d reserve all her money for you because you sleep over 2 nights a week?

BottleCrow · 28/09/2019 08:33

Leave it be. Why shouldn't SIL be paid?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/09/2019 08:42

I agree that caring for family shouldn’t be paid for. It’s just what families do.

However your SIL isn’t family only by marriage. Therefore it’s lovely that she will help out and your mum obviously wants to show appreciation that she does.

BertrandRussell · 28/09/2019 08:48

It’s not “just what families do”. It’s “just what women do”. And as women’s time and work in families is not valued, why should they be paid? Hmm

CharityConundrum · 28/09/2019 08:59

If your SIL wasn't doing it who would?

KUGA · 28/09/2019 09:03

Why doesnt your dm have a carer or you and your sil apply for a carers allowance ?. I do agree though you sil shouldnt get paid or you should both bet paid.

sonjadog · 28/09/2019 09:09

I think your Mum is wise to pay her for it. Caring for elderly can be exhausting for family members and SiL is not a blood relative. I would think it is a good way to try to stop resentment building up.

pictish · 28/09/2019 09:17

Do you think she should be doing it out of the goodness of her heart then? Like her time is worth nothing? It’s not her mum, not her responsibility, not her obligation.
If this arrangement suits and benefits both of them, what’s the problem?

missyB1 · 28/09/2019 09:17

My mum (Rip) used to get an allowance to have her housework done, she paid it directly to my sister who did all mum's cleaning, laundry and shopping. One of my brothers got really shitty about it - but never offered to help out himself! Mum's passed away now but he still makes the odd snidey comment.

Look get your mum assessed and see what she's entitled to. And try not to judge as you might not have the whole story.

Nearlyalmost50 · 28/09/2019 09:21

Speaking for myself I would never want any of my own children helping me with personal care...it’s all about dignity!

Let's hope you are very very rich then! The state health-care will give you 2 hours or so a day if you are really very compromised. Social care is more but you pay for it unless you are poorer yourself. The kind of full-on 24/7 care my mum provides for her mother is not only very expensive but irreplaceable in terms of social contact, love, favourite foods, still being part of the family.

There are some great care homes, but most are not, and most staff are rushed as they are profit-driven. They are also extremely pricey. The thread on care home workers the other week was very realistic about what 'professional care' looks like on the ground.

People are not at all realistic about what is likely for their old age care at all IMO.