SIL being paid for caring

[ladybird69]

My Mum is elderly and depending more and more on help. I do what I can ie washing and shopping for her. My SIL washes my mums legs once a week. My mum was taken Ill recently and I slept in a chair for a few nights then my SIL slept over 2 nights. I’ve since found out that my mum pays my SIL for everything she does including the sleeping over. Yet she tells everyone she does it out of the goodness of her heart, I’m really pissed that she would take money from poor old lady. AIBU? Thinking you don’t charge your own mother/mother-in-law

Your mil is being cared for

End of

I think so long as it's a fair rate for the time SIL is spending that's fine. It's not SIL's responsibility, and she is giving up time she could be spending doing something else (eg. working and being paid). So long as your mum's not paying over the odds for the care she's receiving, I can't see what the issue is.

would you say No if she paid you?
would you pay her if she did your child care?

Your brother should be doing more, but you already know this.

It probably works for them, and seems sensible

Has your mum been properly assessed so she can get help with adaptations, carers/support allowance and, if necessary professional support? There is nothing inherently wrong with her paying your SIL if she can afford it, the rate is reasonable and the care meets her needs. It may make her feel things are all clear and she is not building up resentment but rather settng up someting mutually convenient. Your post is about your feelings and not hers so it is hard to tell.

She is entitled to carers allowance. It isn't much though. I was asked to be my husbands grandmothers carer. I turned it down as I had two very small children and couldn't face the hard work. E.g. using a hoist to put her on/ the toilet, washing her body, feeding her and cleaning her home! I wanted to spend all my time with my baby and little girl. She went into a home in the end. So my hats off to your sil. You said yourself you cant do it, so be grateful someone else stepped up.

Is she taking advantage, or is your mum happily offering? Most people here hate their MILs let alone would entertain caring for them (sadly). Have you spoken to your mum about it? Maybe she feels happier paying her something; as long as it's not meaning she is going without and SiL has been demanding, until a carer is sorted it seems reasonable? Why are you more annoyed with your SIL than lazy brother?

It’s hard to say whether or not your sil is taking advantage. I also think your mum needs to be assessed.

If SIL is doing care work (the care work that your mother’s own son refuses to do) then I think she deserves to be paid for her time. Especially if she’s doing overnight work. If you don’t like it, get your mum a proper career. Care work is exhausting and draining and SIL doesn’t have to do it for free!

I think there's a massive difference between mum and mother-in-law! I would do anything for my own mum, we have a deep bond of love from literally the moment I was born. That doesn't really apply to my MIL, fairly pleasant as she is.

I don't think there's anything wrong with the money to acknowledge that her son's wife is providing some care, there's a level of removal there that makes it totally justified to me.

I do hope she is ok and you sound like a very loving daughter but I really don't think the SIL has done anything wrong here.

I think there is a difference between caring for your own mum and your MIL. There would be for me anyway! So if your brother is too useless, I think it's fair enough for your SIL to be paid for her help, unless it's at a rate which is causing financial issues for your mum.

Maurius my MIL loves me....and I love her. I'd definitely look after her as I would my own. It's all personal that stuff...no right or wrong to it.

If your SiL wasn’t doing this would your Mum have to pay someone else to look after her? Maybe your Mum likes it that her ‘carer’ knows her, the house, and that it’s someone she can chat to and the same person every time.
Obviously it has to be the correct pay level. In my area it’s £15/18 an hour if you pay a private carer for non personal care (housework, shopping, banking, cooking, gardening, socialisation etc) more if you go through an agency or need personal care.

Is it just that your DM feels she ought to pay SIL because she isn't a blood relative?

Nothing he doesn’t ‘do’ old people!

This is ridiculous. It's his own mother not just an "old person". I think you need to speak to your mother to see how she feels about it and then sit down with the other two and have a discussion. And see how you can split things more fairly with your useless brother doing his share!

How much is SIL being paid?

Unless your mother is no longer of sound mind and is handing out wads of fifties to your SIL, then you should let her decide how she spends her money .
If you are worried she no longer has capacity, then as a family, (including her useless son) you decide what the next step is.
Your SIL is already doing what her husband should be tbh

OP contact your councils Adult Social Care team & ask how you go about having your mum assessed for Care Plan with a view to receiving a Direct Payment to pay for her care.

For all those OP's horrified that SIL is being paid - I work with DP recipients & in many cases it's a family member who is employed as the carer(s) & sometimes receiving a full time wage for it.

While OP's brother sounds like an arse, perhaps like many women his mother doesn't want a man providing her personal care so SIL has stepped up where he isn't wanted & OP admits herself she isn't able to.

I cannot think of one good reason why your sil shouldn't be paid. Your very vague "but people should do it for love/because it's family" is completely meaningless when your brother doesn't raise a finger.

Like previous posters, I'm slightly concerned that your mil is not receiving adequate care. It all sounds quite haphazard. Are you going to come back to the thread and answer questions about her overall care arrangements and requirements?

If there is no exploitation going on, I see no reason why your SIL shouldn’t be paid. Seems entirely reasonable to me. But do find out what other care she is entitled to. It’s important to do that early- before it gets to be urgent.

But my feelings are you don’t charge family it’s done out of love I understand that feeling but it isn't always practical. I'm self employed. This year I have helped my elderly parents move house, taken them to numerous medical appointments, taken a week off to help them in their new home when their carer was on holiday and am helping them again, looking after one while the other is in hospital for several days. I added up that this has meant five weeks off work - five weeks with no pay. It's a massive dip in our family income. I don;t charge my parents but tbh, I wish they had at leats some consideration for how much they cost me every time I do them a favour, They never did any child care for me, but if they had on a regular basis, I'd have offered to pay. I don't think woman's labour should be devalued. It's worth a lot and working for free really does dip into the family income.

Maybe it's time to have a proper sit down as a family and work out what your DM needs for care and how best that can be provided.

If your DM has chosen to pay SIL for her time then that's an eminently sensible way of ensuring she gets the care she needs from a family member. Unless she's paying her £15 per hour it's still cheaper than it would be for private care. Could you provide more support if there was a spare bedroom/mattress rather than sleeping in a chair ? Again money could be put towards that.

I recently was helping to care for my MIL. She didn’t pay me. But she insisted on me travelling to her first class at her expense, and that I did a huge online shop on her account to arrive when I got home. And she reimbursed me what I paid for my dog walker. And she checked that I hadn’t had to cancel any work to come- if I had, she would have reimbursed me for that as well. Simultaneously incredibly switched on and mad as a chair, my MIL!

Why shouldn’t she be paid?? She’s not her mother. It’s not her responsibility. Your brother is an ass.

Plenty of people pay relatives for child care etc. “you don’t pay family” is a load of shit. If they’re taking time out of their lives to do a job for you, you pay them.

It depends how much DM has, if she has half a million then something needs sorted with a solicitor to make sure it doesn't suddenly get 'used up' in care.
If not much money then once she goes into care the money will be used up very quickly.
So spending some on her DIL's support isn't so bad.
Does she have a will written up and signed as this should be done if there is a risk SIL has a lot of influence on her financial situation.