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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to secretly have accumulated just over £50K of savings over the last few years?

307 replies

LargeGnTPlease · 27/09/2019 19:03

First time poster here, so please be gentle! so AIBU to secretly have accumulated just over £50K of savings over the last few years? No one knows, not my DH, no one!

OP posts:
LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 27/09/2019 21:56

Keep squirrelling, surprise him in your retirement or divvy it up in five/ten years for the DCs if/when they need a hand (property). I have saved this much DH doesn't care he likes or when we needed to do renovations and had the money, wanted a fancy honeymoon and could pay cash. Ours is even mainly in a joint bank account (I have about 10k in my savings) but he lost his online banking details for that account years ago. He could go and get a statement if he wanted to. He knows I save bits on top of what we agree monthly, and get deals and savings where I can, like you OP, and he knows money fairies haven't paid for large expenses we've had over the years. He does know what we're saving for DS, well I tell him whether if I asked him right now he'd know is another matter and frankly not my problem.

flirtygirl · 27/09/2019 21:56

I don't think it would be any different if a man had done this in the same circumstances. We are not talking about financial abuse. No one has gone without, been made to suffer or thought of as less.

Where one party is a spender, why can the other one, not save their share? Why do we expect both to spend it?

And it's only a secret as she knows husband would want to spend it.

Op I would do the same.

7salmonswimming · 27/09/2019 21:57

It’s the secrecy that’s unforgiveable.

If he entrusts you with the finances, he should know that you have a savings account because that’s what you’ve decided is best. He should know that you’re in charge of it because he’s profligate.

But you’ve infantilised him. You haven’t trusted him with the knowledge.

If you don’t trust your husband to spend as wisely as you do, you work it out. You go through the hard work of arguing, reasoning, giving in sometimes, compromising. You don’t go behind his back and make decisions as though you’re not in a partnership.

I don’t know how you can come clean. I really hope he’s the forgiving type, for your sake.

Starlight456 · 27/09/2019 22:01

So what do you actually want from posting?

flirtygirl · 27/09/2019 22:02

How is it thieving?

If you both get the same amount of disposable money each month but one spends all and one saves most.

How on earth is it thieving?

Yes it is a secret but it not the worst kind that you can have from your partner, especially if he or she is such a spender that they would want to spend that money too.

justasking111 · 27/09/2019 22:02

In our house we all have our own savings accounts adults and children. I do not see anything wrong with it. If someone wants to be silly with their money it is up to them. OH will tell everyone he is much better with money than me. I would say penny wise (pinching) pound foolish. But it works most of the time. He will moan about the cost of presents for the family, but fill his boat with fuel and go fishing most days.

sweetiepy · 27/09/2019 22:03

NC as don’t want to be outed.
Well done op. If you are in anywhere near a same position as I am, it is best to keep your secret. I also have saved a nice amount that my dh doesn’t know about. If he did know he would spend it on a new car and holidays.

He is absolutely crap with money and when I was a sahm we hardly had 2 pennies to rub together, but he could afford to run around in his fancy car. When he had to retire in his 40’s through ill health we had nothing! I went back to work (at times I was working 3 jobs) and worked my arse off. I have paid off our mortgage and have slightly more than you in savings!

To those saying we should be open about our savings.....why? What they don’t know can’t hurt them. get their hands on it

TheQueef · 27/09/2019 22:10

You are his mam not his DW.
How could you not tell him? In his best interest is fair enough but that doesn't give you carte blanch on what he needs to know.

ELM8 · 27/09/2019 22:14

Even over 9 years that's over £100 a week?! That's an awful lot to siphon out of joint funds without anyone noticing.

My husband and I both have X a month (both the same) we spend on what we like.. I save about 20% of mine and he spends all of his, but I think that's slightly different...

Thenotes · 27/09/2019 22:17

I've done similar. It's not a secret from DH, it's that he doesn't have any interest in our financial affairs. I often tell him that if I ran off with the milkman he'd have no idea what he'd lost Grin

Do you have a plan for your savings op?

AnneKipanki · 27/09/2019 22:19

He went out and bought a boat ?
How much did that cost ?

AnneKipanki · 27/09/2019 22:19

Sorry for being nosy !

Waveysnail · 27/09/2019 22:19

Presuming mortgage is paid off and you have no debts? Then I'd invest it for retirement.

Woodlandwitch · 27/09/2019 22:23

This sounds absolutely miserable

I’d be furious

stucknoue · 27/09/2019 22:26

I've saved a similar amount, my h saved zero, it means I get to keep the house, he gets the savings for a house deposit

BarbaraofSeville · 27/09/2019 22:32

It's sneaky, underhand, and as a few posters have said, it's basically thieving

But it's really not. We're talking about £100 a week for 10 years, less when you account for compound interest.

It c literally be due to getting the best interest rates, earning cashback, using discount codes, taking packed lunches and not buying coffees, using the park and ride instead of more expensive car park, driving a car that uses less petrol and has cheaper road tax and insurance, changing utilities, only buying kindle books when 99p instead of full price, not going large on meal deals etc etc etc.

It all adds up and the differences between going money like water and not can add up hugely over time and in a lot of cases are barely noticeable once it becomes habit.

Itsjustmee · 27/09/2019 22:35

I have a similar but amount of money to the OP well actually more
My DH thinks I have about 10k in the bank which I do but I have a lot more in cash that I have saved and inherited and several large payouts from PPI & insurance claims . It’s my fuck you fund should I ever need it
We don’t really share finances apart from big ticket items
I don’t see it as being dishonest he doesn’t really ask about my savings
He also has considerable savings in cash as well but I make it my business to know 😂

flirtygirl · 27/09/2019 22:38

barbaraofseville absolutely.

I think some of the people saying it's miserable or thieving etc, just have no concept of saving. And are a little bit jealous.

Saving is a mindset. If I had £2 I would seriously save 50p. When you do this with everything and look for the bargains and choose the best prices always then your money goes lot further.

You can spend and also save. Be frugal for life. I think that's my new motto.

MrsPellegrinoPetrichor · 27/09/2019 22:39

Why? How?

MrsPellegrinoPetrichor · 27/09/2019 22:41

** FFS phone's just updatedHmm

prawnonthebarbie · 27/09/2019 22:46

People would divorce their partner for saving money when they like to spend it all on shit, don't deal with the outgoings and would have no savings otherwise? Ok

BarbaraofSeville · 27/09/2019 22:48

Phones - that's another thing. I'm not interested in fancy phones or data heavy applications so my monthly spend is probably at least £30 less than someone who always has the latest iPhone or whatever.

Over 10 years that's a £3600 difference in spending on one single inconsequential item. I still have a perfectly satisfactory smartphone and decent data package but it costs far far less.

PurpleTigerLove · 27/09/2019 23:00

Well done ! Keep saving . Can you look into some kind of investment fund ? I save separately from my husband and vice versa . I don’t know how much he has and neither do I care . If you’re married it’s half his anyway .

PurpleTigerLove · 27/09/2019 23:01

I’m a saver too . I don’t understand people who spend all their income tbh

Original poster
LargeGnTPlease · 27/09/2019 23:01

Things like not mentioning when I got a bonus that I would put away Immediately. Some months I would not save anything but others I could put away all my salary. I shop around for deals, dont smoke, we dont go out drinking, (we have friends that will go out for a night and eat and drink their way through the best part of £250) I have no hobbies. I don't plan to keep it all for me but it will benefit us both in one way or another.

OP posts: